AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

[SheGood]

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

CF territory Texting! And laying down the guilt with 'you did it for the older ones'. As you said, you did because the older children liked hanging out together.

Why have more children when she knew what it was like to struggle with the first two? Circumstances change, she was a single parent with the older two. The younger two may not do the hobbies, but with Daddy around, they get more time as a family. It's swings and roundabouts.

I would say 'No'. But maybe offer a family activity voucher for Christmas.

It was a different post. The poster had helped with her husband’s sister and now the sister in law wanted a horse for her daughter and to go to private school.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567458-aibu-to-tell-my-best-friend-that-i-cant-financially-level-things-up-between-our-kids I hope this is right.

But she has a partner on the scene now, so why can’t they, together, as their parents pay?

I wouldn't take on the responsibility to pay for everything for years, but as a birthday gift I'd pay for a round of lessons in something they liked. ie dance classes/riding lessons/football for a few months.

Was also going to suggest paying for it or putting towards it for for birthday and Christmas if it comes into your budget for it.

How did she actually ask? Are you two close? Will this make virtually no difference to you financially? Did your sister actually say you should do the same for all nieces and nephews or is what your mum said clouding this? Does your sister ask for money regularly?

For me there’s a difference between ‘we’re struggling with money at the moment but we’d love the kids to have this opportunity and wondered if you’d consider paying for their dance lessons. Completely understand if not and feel cheeky asking but would appreciate if you’d think about it’

V

‘Hey sis, I want the kids to start dance lessons and as you paid for X I think it’s only right you pay for little ones too, here’s the booking link’

Of course you are not obligated at all to pay but I’d consider it for the children.

@sesquipedalian Yes, the younger children have parents who are together so it's a completely different situation. You could pay towards an activity in lieu of birthday and Christmas presents if you want to, but it shouldn't be an expectation.

When you paid the first time around, she was a single mum.

She now has a partner. If they both want their kids to do these hobbies, they need to pay for it. If they can’t afford it, they need to get second or better paid jobs.

You’re under no obligation of course, but you could offer it as an alternative to the her family’s Christmas and birthday gifts.

OP - you were very generous to pay for the activities in the past. I understand why you did this.and I can see myself doing the same in similar circumstances for close family.
I think your sister is beyond cheeky.and very entitled. Regardless of fairness between (half) siblings I wouldnt agree to this presumtious request on.principle.
Has your sister always been spoilt and pandered to by your mother? Im struggling to.comprehend that both of them believe this is your responsibility. Can they not see that her circumstances have changed?
Has this dynamic been consistent throughout your life OP? I would be very low contact if this is the case.
Its irrelevant if you can afford this. Its a huge commitment and sends your entitled sister a clear message that you can be manipulated by her.
A firm no with reference to her husband is all you need to.provide her with.
Im assuming you know you'll be made out to be totally unreasonable by both your mother and your sister by refusing to do this. Stand your ground and try not to second guess yourself.OP.
Unfortunately it doesnt sound like either of them have any self awareness or respect for you. Families can be awful to certain members. Its really unfair.

You shouldn’t pay. Be aware though that they will view you as “wealthy” and “loaded” because they’re comparing your position to theirs. I would justify the refusal by saying that not only is it their responsibility to fund their own children’s activities at this stage of their life, that the cost of living is now very different to what it was back then.

Tell her that you did it for the benefit of your children, which wouldn't be the case this time, so no.

Tbh, if I could have afforded it and she had come with a good attitude about it i would have helped her out. But the moment someone shows a sense of entitlement, I slam shut and they get nothing from me.

You have a very kind husband (as well as a cf sister and interfering mother).

No, I would not pay! Paying so your children and her older children could do the hobbies together does not mean her lack of good judgement (and lack of use of birth control) is your responsibility. Tell her when you have your next two children, you will revisit the request.

That is true CF behavior rearing its ugly and entitled head.

Depends on hobbies -I’d pay for one each unless it was v expensive

It's a no from me. You shouldn't pay and she is cheeky to ask.

@SheGood I’m amazed at the sense of entitlement of your sister never mind her partner, how is he not ashamed to be asking another family to fund his offspring’s hobbies.

PP suggested good wording to use. I’d also tell your sister and mother how it makes you feel. Just because you and your husband bothered to get on in life whilst your sister didn’t and seemingly can’t stop popping them out whilst already knowing she can’t afford them doesn’t mean you should continuously be the family cash cow.

Don’t pay, her or her new partner should have thought about it before they chose to have 2 children.

It's a completely different scenario this time though. If you hadn't paid for your sister's older children, they would have known that your children were doing hobbies that they would love too and would have felt left out.

There is nobody else doing hobbies now so your sister's younger children won't be disappointed, unless your sister mentions it of course. Your sister is also in a different place now as she is married so there are two incomes, even if they are low ones.

It's really entitled of your sister to expect you to keep shelling out for her children and I'm surprised at your mum's reaction if she is usually sensible.

This!