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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

102 replies

SheGood · Yesterday 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
clickyteeclick · Yesterday 22:57

Absolutely don’t pay. You’re right, if you choose to have two kids the financial cost should be covered by the parent unless offered.

RosasDanceRosas · Yesterday 22:59

Of course you shouldn’t pay. Just say that. It’s a pretty cheeky request.

Epdrenching · Yesterday 23:01

Rude, cheeky and exceptionally entitled.
I wouldn't dream of entertaining this.
She's a CF, to put it mildly.

itwasyourshowallalong · Yesterday 23:01

Bloody cheeky and entitled…has she always been like this?

PollyBell · Yesterday 23:03

If she cant afford it why on earth did she have more children

BlushingBrightly · Yesterday 23:06

Sorry, it's up to their parents to sort this out. Otherwise you're spending more on her children collectively than you did on your own, and how is that fair to your kids?

OttersOnAPlane · Yesterday 23:06

"We paid for A & B's hobbies so the cousins could do activities together. That's not the situation for C & D. You'll need to pay for your children's activities yourselves."

SheGood · Yesterday 23:07

PollyBell · Yesterday 23:03

If she cant afford it why on earth did she have more children

I don’t know. I was sad when she got pregnant again after years because I finally thought she would have more money now that her older two are independent.

OP posts:
Raindropskeepfallingon · Yesterday 23:07

Absolutely not - I probably would’ve paid for a child a year or two younger if I was paying for their sibling, but not children effectively growing up in a separate second family. In those circumstances you absolutely can decide not to do it for the younger ones.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · Yesterday 23:07

I would consider paying just to make the kids happy. But I agree it's entitled and unreasonable and you don't have to.

Myplantsmyrules · Yesterday 23:09

Your sister should be grateful for the bonus you provided for the older children instead of feeling so entitled!

You don't owe her anything.

MyArtfulGreySloth · Yesterday 23:11

wtf? How bloody cheeky is she?! Why can’t her and her partner pay for their children?

SheGood · Yesterday 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

OP posts:
OttersOnAPlane · Yesterday 23:13

If your mum's that bothered, she can pay.

FaintlyMacabre · Yesterday 23:13

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn’t have to pay, the circumstances are quite different from the first time round.
Having said that if you’d like to (and can afford to) could you pay for them as Christmas/birthday presents?

sesquipedalian · Yesterday 23:14

The first children did the hubby with your Dc when she was a single mum. The second Dc have two parents - surely they can afford to pay for them between them? It’s not at all reasonable to expect you to be paying this. If it’s going to cause family friction, though, you could perhaps agree to pay it in lieu of birthday and Christmas presents? They are still being massively cheeky even asking, though.

KimWexlersPonyTail · Yesterday 23:14

Cheeky mucker, can't belive she expects this. Also, she is no longer a single parent so the father can pay surely?

ExitPursuedByABare · Yesterday 23:14

Gosh no. Unless you wanted to be terribly generous. It’s outrageously rude of her to have asked.

fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 23:14

Didn't you post this the other day

RisingSunn · Yesterday 23:15

The entitlement!

Ohdearnotthisagain · Yesterday 23:15

OttersOnAPlane · Yesterday 23:06

"We paid for A & B's hobbies so the cousins could do activities together. That's not the situation for C & D. You'll need to pay for your children's activities yourselves."

This. And your mum can butt out! She doesn’t get to spend other people’s money.

SheGood · Yesterday 23:16

whatwouldlilacerullodo · Yesterday 23:07

I would consider paying just to make the kids happy. But I agree it's entitled and unreasonable and you don't have to.

My husband said he’s happy to do it for the children as otherwise they won’t get the chance but I feel like we are being used which feels shit.

OP posts:
CroissantsByTheSeine · Yesterday 23:16

I can actually see the point of view of “you should treat them all the same” for grandchildren - but not in your shoes.

It’s cheeky and I can’t believe anyone would
even ask!

SheGood · Yesterday 23:18

fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 23:14

Didn't you post this the other day

No. It’s only happened today.

OP posts:
WellThatIsABitMad · Yesterday 23:20

Not a hope in hell that I would pay.

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