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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

96 replies

SheGood · Yesterday 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
wishfulthinking25 · Yesterday 23:20

What an absolute joke! I would be fuming. She’s chosen to have 2 more kids, bloody provide for them and not expect hand outs!

Greenismyfavouritecolournow · Yesterday 23:25

She couldn’t afford to raise her first children so she had two more? You really can’t fix stupid. No I wouldn’t pay under these circumstances.

1ladybird · Yesterday 23:30

SheGood · Yesterday 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

Your sister, her partner and your mum are being very cheeky!!

What sort of hobby/ cost are we talking?

lf for example you used to pay for multiple expensive hobbies for both older
kids could you offer to pay for 1 hobby as their bday/ Xmas pressies each year?

Or a cheaper hobby/ club such as scouts/ guides rather than say horse riding?

You are under no obligation and I absolutely would not if you will notice/ miss the money at all.

nomas · Yesterday 23:30

fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 23:14

Didn't you post this the other day

Hmm
nomas · Yesterday 23:31

SheGood · Yesterday 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

I wouodnt reward their entitled behaviou by paying for this. They didn’t need to have more kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · Yesterday 23:35

Your mum isn’t being sensible this time. She’s just trying to spend your money for you. As my 7 year old would say: rude.

SailingOnAWave · Yesterday 23:46

No no no no no no no no no no no no no...

Absolutely not your responsibility to pay. The circumstances are different now.

Sereine · Yesterday 23:49

SheGood · Yesterday 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

Point out to your mum that you were already doing a massive favour which you didn't have to do by paying for the oldest two. The fact that you chose to do something nice several years ago does not impose an obligation on you to do the same again.

Laurmolonlabe · Yesterday 23:51

Say to your mother what if she changes partner and has a couple more- it was her decision to have more children it is not my fault she can't afford the hobbies the younger ones did, I paid before because it was nice for her kids to do them with mine, that is no longer the case so i won't be paying for her younger kids to do them.

Jeschara · Yesterday 23:55

No definatly don't pay. She had two more children she sorts it out. Has your sister got no shame? I would never ever ask someone to pay for my kids.
She is expecting it. Dreadful behaviour on her part.

saraclara · Yesterday 23:56

My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

A grandparent should treat them as the same, so she's right on that. But an aunt doesn't have to, especially when there was a good reason to pay last time, which doesn't apply to these two.

Can you get round it by buying their courses for the kids' Christmas presents?

Winter2020 · Yesterday 23:59

I would just say "Sorry I am supporting x at university and have a few plans and I can't afford it" (whether you can or not because that's really not her business).

scoobysnaxx · Today 00:00

Definitely read the same thread the other day

nomas · Today 00:02

scoobysnaxx · Today 00:00

Definitely read the same thread the other day

If you can’t link it, it didn’t happen.

Epdrenching · Today 00:05

I can see where your sister gets her cheeky fxxkery from with the shite your mother is spouting.

No wonder your sister had more children she also can't afford, when her mother is telling others they have to pay for them.

I really wouldn't entertain this at all.
Tell your mother mind her own business or pay herself.

I am very generous but cheeky fxxker behaviour like this would shut my purse completely, permanently.

Happyjoe · Today 00:08

It isn't a nice feeling, your good nature being taken for granted. And yes, I agree, people shouldn't have so many children if struggling financially, they shouldn't expect others to pic up the tab.

I think you're in a no-win situation here, say no and the children miss out and you probably have issues with your sister, or should I say your sister will have issues! Say yes and you'll feel resentment and used which isn't fair either. Is there any way you can wrap this up as say, a Xmas & birthday present combo to the children, so you pay for their hobbies but don't buy presents?

avonleabonbon · Today 00:13

If you start paying now, she’ll expect it until they’re 18 too!

Ponoka7 · Today 00:14

I don't know any families, who wouldn't pay for children's hobbies, if they could afford it. The choice is your's, but if your Mum decides to struggle and pay, it's none of your business.

Moveoverdarlin · Today 00:17

It is a bloody cheek but out of interest how much money would it be? My kids do a hobby on a Saturday morning and it’s an only fiver for an hour. If it’s a fairly wholesome hobby and it works out at twenty quid a month and you’re fairly well off then I might just pay it to avoid a fall out. But I would question it first.

I would be inclined to say..,

’Oh I wasn’t expecting to have to do that. I paid for Ben and Charlie because it meant they did the hobby with Lucy and Holly. How much is it these days? It must have gone up since the older kids did it? I’ll have to speak to DH. Is Mike (the younger kids Dad) happy for us to pay this? I thought he would want to and I don’t want to step on his toes?

Are the kids keen? I suppose we could do the first term and see if they like it??? What d’you think to that?’

SouthLondonMum22 · Today 00:19

Absolutely not. What a CF.

Jeschara · Today 00:20

scoobysnaxx · Today 00:00

Definitely read the same thread the other day

The other one was about school uniform. I thought they sounded the same though.

Sadius · Today 00:20

I wouldn't pay as it's an ongoing commitment. Given the age the older ones dropped out you'd be locked into paying for a decade and you have no idea what will bring for you and your children.

Heck, I'd be worried you'll be asked to pay for grandchildren too at this rate!

I'd just say sorry DSis, it was different circumstances at the time and more about the cousins than the hobby. I'm afraid its not something we have budgeted for for younger DC

FatMrsHoot · Today 00:23

I'm so torn. What's the hobby? Horse riding? Gymnastics?

How did she ask/what did she say? Was it an expectation or a request/some shred of awareness?

I also am a soft touch regarding children and would probably pay so they didn't feel "less than" but also be seething at her for putting me in that situation and not encouraging more affordable hobbies.

I don't think you can say no without there being a fallout/rift in the family, rightly or wrongly.

Gardenisablooming · Today 00:24

Sorry dsis but we aren't able to.
Maybe you /their df could work harder?

tryinghi778 · Today 00:27

@SheGood could you tie it in as instead of birthday/Christmas presents? I know that might sound cheeky but maybe fairer and to make a point - the expectation to pay is really really cheeky!