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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

96 replies

SheGood · Yesterday 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
Besidemyselfwithworry · Today 00:29

SheGood · Yesterday 23:07

I don’t know. I was sad when she got pregnant again after years because I finally thought she would have more money now that her older two are independent.

Edited

Just say no
sorry
you did it for the elder 2 as companions for yours but you should have considered this before having more kids you can’t afford!

honestly just beyond crazy and so greedy

LivingTheDreamish · Today 00:31

This is a tricky one. I think you are perfectly entitled to say no, of course, but in your position, if I could genuinely afford it (as in I wouldn't notice the money because I'm that well off) then I would pay for your nieces. It's a nice thing to do and it means this won't fester in your sister's mind as an unfairness between her children. But you'd have to actually want to, otherwise you'll be the one festering.

One valid reason you could give for not paying is that when all your children were small, her children would have been aware of missing out on something their cousins did, but that no longer applies.

HeddaGarbled · Today 00:35

I’d do it if I could afford it, out of sisterly generosity.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 00:35

'No good deed goes unpunished'...

Have you paid for other things for her 2 older children, OP? For example, help with Uni/college fees ... because she will expect that again too.

I'm assuming she didn't consult you before having 2 more children, so you are not responsible for them at all.

FourSevenFive · Today 00:37

I wouldn't mind them asking, if asked politely, but would be careful about agreeing and creating a commitment for many years to come.

I'm not sure about the in lieu of christmas&birthday presents strategy either, not until they are old enough to be able to ask for it/agree with it.

Given you say hobbies, I might agree with one of them, and see later hos it goes.

Pallisers · Today 00:42

sorry sis we won't be able to do that. Have you asked Mum - I'd say she'd be happy to help.

Newname26 · Today 00:47

What's the hobbies?
If its swimming or something lowish budget Guides etc I'd probably pay.

I'd be wary of dance or expensive sports.

But I think its a cheek to ask

Savvyshopper17 · Today 00:47

SheGood · Yesterday 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

Do not pay. You only paid for the older two because you're children were attending the classes too. Your children are now grown up, charity stops!! Stop being a push over and grow a pair

WhereYouLeftIt · Today 00:48

OttersOnAPlane · Yesterday 23:06

"We paid for A & B's hobbies so the cousins could do activities together. That's not the situation for C & D. You'll need to pay for your children's activities yourselves."

Exactly that. Her eldest children might have been saddened seeing their cousins / your children able to do the hobbies that they wanted but couldn't afford. Her youngest two will not even be aware of these hobbies unless introduced to them by their mother / your sister.

Plus, she only had her own income then, there are two incomes to the household now. (Perhaps her partner's sister should be asked to contribute too?)

I would be saying no to my sister, and telling my mother not to be so keen to spend my money in future.

User573359 · Today 00:48

No definitely not, it really gives an idea of her entitlement that she'd even ask. However, if you want a way to somewhat keep the peace I'd suggest offering a voucher towards the cost for their birthday and Christmas presents.

NautilusLionfish · Today 00:51

Thd entitlement is grating. If it was life and death expenses, a polite ask would be reasonable but hobbies? And what if she has another two in a couple of years?
Is her dh /dp doing his share? Not that it matters.
Anyway, give yourself a few days to think about this. Only because you said you can afford it buy by Jove! She is a cheeky mucker

Timmydoesstuff · Today 00:55

Also curious what type of hobby it is. A fiver for a basic dance class then yeah, maybe. Hundreds of pounds on expensive kit for horseriding/sports/coding absolutely not.

ItsGooodToTalk · Today 00:55

Wow, this is such a cheeky request. If you pay, I don't think this will be the end of any financial requests. Nip it in the bud now.

Sam9769 · Today 00:58

What is the hobby?
What is the cost?
How often and over what period of time would you be expected to pay?
Do you have a good relationship with your sister?

Thepossibility · Today 01:06

Your sister is a CF.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · Today 01:17

Didn’t you already post this OP? Either last week or week before and had lots of yanbu responses

SheGood · Today 01:23

TwinklyRoseTurtle · Today 01:17

Didn’t you already post this OP? Either last week or week before and had lots of yanbu responses

Edited

I have not posted this before. It has only happened today. Check with mumsnet and they can confirm. @MNHQ

OP posts:
UnaGatita · Today 01:28

scoobysnaxx · Today 00:00

Definitely read the same thread the other day

The school uniform thread? Same entitlement?
Different person - there’s more than one entitled sibling who can’t get it together out there!

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 01:35

UnaGatita · Today 01:28

The school uniform thread? Same entitlement?
Different person - there’s more than one entitled sibling who can’t get it together out there!

There was a similar thread. That OP was rich, married her best friend's brother, and treated the bf's daughter occasionally when they were all together.
Unfortunately the bf came to expect more - wanted the OP to buy her daughter a horse when she was thinking of buying one for her own DD, and paying for the daughter to go to private school with OP's DD.

Bigtime CF.

Pineapplesonpizza · Today 01:42

Yes, your sister is being cheeky asking. But if that's the only reason you're not paying, then that's not a brilliant reason. They are your nieces/nephews after all, and - if you can easily afford it - it would be a lovely thing to do for them. I wouldn't punish them just to make a point to your sister....

SouthLondonMum22 · Today 01:44

Pineapplesonpizza · Today 01:42

Yes, your sister is being cheeky asking. But if that's the only reason you're not paying, then that's not a brilliant reason. They are your nieces/nephews after all, and - if you can easily afford it - it would be a lovely thing to do for them. I wouldn't punish them just to make a point to your sister....

I think it's a brilliant reason. What else is she going to ask for? That would be my concern.

They aren't her children. It isn't OP's responsibility.

Pineapplesonpizza · Today 01:49

SouthLondonMum22 · Today 01:44

I think it's a brilliant reason. What else is she going to ask for? That would be my concern.

They aren't her children. It isn't OP's responsibility.

Given that the sister\s first two children are grown up and she hasn't asked for further things for them since the hobbies (or OP would have mentioned it), I think OP is safe. And if she does ask for something further, the answer is no.

Edited to add, of course it's not OP's responsibility - literally no one on this thread is saying it is.

SouthLondonMum22 · Today 01:53

Pineapplesonpizza · Today 01:49

Given that the sister\s first two children are grown up and she hasn't asked for further things for them since the hobbies (or OP would have mentioned it), I think OP is safe. And if she does ask for something further, the answer is no.

Edited to add, of course it's not OP's responsibility - literally no one on this thread is saying it is.

Edited

Or the answer can be no now to make it abundantly clear. OP's sister made the choice to have 2 more children.

Franjipanl8r · Today 01:54

I’d just be honest, tell her it feels like she’s taking the piss and taking you for granted. The time to ask if you’d fund 2 more of her kids lifestyles was before she had 2 more, not afterwards.

DaisyDooley · Today 01:58

No.
No way.
She could have just had the one extra child and then maybe she could have afforded it.
The cheek on some people.
I would clearly tell her no, and I would also include something a pp pointed out-I wouldn’t be spending more on her kids doing xxxxx hobby than I spent on my own.
i would also tell mum to wind her neck in spending my money.