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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

110 replies

SheGood · Yesterday 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
Alittlefrustrated · Today 06:42

Tell them all of youe ciecumstances have changed,and your money is spoken for/you can no longer afford to.

Badsox · Today 06:50

Your sister is being ridiculous expecting you to pay and of course you are not obliged to at all.

That said, I might make an exception because your husband does not mind, if the payment is for swimming lessons. The risk of the children not being able to swim is significant and it will really disadvantage them in later life. You are of course not obliged to do this and it is very unreasonable of your sister to be asking you for all of the reasons previous posters have noted.

DearCritic · Today 06:55

I think just be honest and explain you did it for older ones for selfish reasons, so they could have their cousins with them. Your goal wasn’t for her kids to benefit, but just nice it did. Your goal was for your kids to benefit. But you don’t have any younger ones to benefit from situation, so you don’t be helping.

It’s clear you’re not particularly close with your sister…. But I’m guessing she’d know it was a lie if you said you or DH have been let go so haven’t the spare money etc.

TheBlueKoala · Today 07:08

@SheGood Your sister is entitled and a CF. She should be ashamed of herself. Your mother is not objective- she just wants what's good for her gc and she knows you have the means to offer it.

Having said that I would perhaps offer the activities as a birthday/christmas gift for the children (since you are well off) but I would only get a token gift to CF sister.

Noshowlomo · Today 07:09

Your sister is super entitled. There was a good response further back about you paid so the cousins could all do something together. The younger cousins won’t know the difference. Also she was a single parent and now her youngest two have two parents to support them. Make sure you include they have two parents to support them!

Moonnstarz · Today 07:14

Orangeandpinkcloud · Today 03:34

Was also going to suggest paying for it or putting towards it for for birthday and Christmas if it comes into your budget for it.

This would be my suggestion too. Say that you are willing to pay for a term of football lessons or whatever it is for their birthday/Christmas present but make it clear that it's not ongoing.

I don't know why your own mum thinks you are responsible for your sister's kids.

DozyCrow · Today 07:18

I wouldn't pay. The circumstances were different before and don't apply this time. Your sister should live within her means, not expect others to pay. As for your mum, it's easy to be generous when it's someone else's money you're spending.

Rattymcratty · Today 07:19

Life is too short. You’ve got the money and a feckless sister. Just call it birthday and Christmas presents sorted for that side of the family.

2O26 · Today 07:20

fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 23:14

Didn't you post this the other day

Exactly what I thought.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567458-aibu-to-tell-my-best-friend-that-i-cant-financially-level-things-up-between-our-kids?postsby=stingyorfair

The original poster (OP) was asking if they were being unreasonable to say "no" to their sister-in-law (SIL). The wealthy OP had previously paid for nice extras like family holidays and children's activities. However, the entitlement escalated significantly when the OP bought their own child a horse and enrolled them in private school. The SIL expected the OP to "level things up" financially by bankrolling a horse and private school tuition for the niece as well, arguing it was unfair for the cousins to have different lifestyles.

DanceMumTaxi · Today 07:24

Your mum is probably only saying you should pay to keep the peace. This is a totally different situation to when your children were younger, I don’t think you should be paying now.

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