AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

[Newforthis26]

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

Why can't she?

Why? What’s your reasoning? She should have whomever she is comfortable with. Don’t tell her that her agency and dignity mean nothing because she’s elderly.

Yes you can. You call the care company and advise them.

I don't care what age I am I don't want some guy I barely know washing me. They don't let men feel for weapons at the airport so why let them intimately wash elderly and helpless pensioners?

But she can, most care companies should be able to accommodate that type of request for the majority of visits My dad was late 80's when he had carers and found it very embarrassing having young females doing his care, so we asked if it was possible to have males or slightly older females. My mum on the other hand wouldn't tolerate male carers 'seeing her naked' so the care company were happy to compromise rather than have her refuse care and assistance.

She absolutely can request same SEX carers. Many men don't want intimate care from someone of the opposite sex either.

Yes, she can.

I don't think it's unreasonable for an 80yo woman not to want unfamiliar men coming into her house. Why can't she be involved in decisions about her care?

You are being massively unreasonable.
Of course your Mum should be able to choose female only care, I would too.

it’s quite common for people to want carers of the same sex as themselves especially for intimate care.

this is a request that can be put to the care company and they are usually happy to try to oblige.

if there is a strong reason for this preference (eg she has been abused in the past and finds men doing intimate care gives her flashbacks or similar) then absolutely this should be on record and female carers requested.

She absolutely can request that. I'm half your mum's age and would also request that. There is not a chance I will have a male carer helping me toilet and wash.

Are you completely insensitive? Of course an 80 year old woman wants and can insist on female carers.

Gender is useless here - she could end up with a male who identifies as a woman. But she should absolutely be able to choose her carers by sex.

You mean sex not gender

and yes she can

Really confused as to why you wouldn't respect your mother's wishes.
Of course she should be able to request this.

Of course she can!
Would you want a strange man washing your nethers?

She has every right to insist on same sex care. I'm surprised you are being difficult about this.

TBF, OP said the carers are there for meals and medication, not personal care.

Have you spoken to the care company? They may not be able to guarantee which sex the carer is but they can try their best to make sure she has a female carer whenever possible.

WTF??? Of course she can!
What is wrong with you?

Yes she can .

She can ask for same sex carers and if the care agency can facilitate it they are usually happy to do so. Sadly in a care home you can request what you like but have zero choice you get whoever is available and for my DM it was frequently agency male staff which she hates. She should have autonomy over her care while she can.

She’s being completely reasonable, and your job is to advocate for her wishes. Don’t let her down.

Of course she can make that request. I would also recommend an independent advocate who can advocate for the needs of her if there are no family members who are willing to do this.

Of course YABU! How can you possibly think otherwise?!