AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

[Newforthis26]

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

It's possible she's the victim of a historic sexual assault and has never told you.

She still doesn't want a man doing it

Great result @Newforthis26

Genuinely so impressed that you not only asked the question but also listened to and acted upon the answer.

Good result!

Wow - all sorted within 10 minutes of you posting. Amazing!

She has an absolute right to choose the sex of her carer's.
You are very unreasonable to think otherwise , please respect her choice.

She is entitled to same-sex care for intimate care such as washing her nether regions, bathing, etc.Why do you want to deprive her of her modesty and dignity? If she does not want a male carer then it is her right. And note this is by sex, not some indefinable "gender identity", so a man in a frock does not count as same sex care for females.If you are happy to have a male wash your vulva that's fine for you but you cannot make decisions that go against the wishes of your mum.

Great update !

We requested and got female carers for my gran.

It can be very alarming for someone like your mum to have strange men in her home and she can absolutely have female carers if it makes her feel safer.

Jeeze, should I ever need care, I hope that my kids will have more empathy than you @Newforthis26 and will at least Google the answer before erroneously lecturing me as if I'm stupid.

My mum didn't want any male carers & if for some reason the company sent one we just refused care and stated why. The company totally understood.
Luckily for her this didn't often happen & I was able to step in and do her personal care for that day.
Just because you are elderly & vulnerable your dignity shouldn't be taken from you.

Are you OK? Your MUM wants a female carer to come in and see her. Just get it done!!!!!!

Good. My mum didn't want male carers either.

Glad to see this update.

I work in adult care and at my company, this is the default. Some men feel much more comfortable being supported by male staff, and it goes beyond personal care. Some find it more dignified to have men assisting them even with taking their medication. You can sometimes visibly see the rapport forming between elderly men and male carers, and the same for women.

We do not allow male staff to be alone with female service users, because it is a safeguarding issue for both the woman and the male staff. Companies that allow it are either run by people focused on profit beyond all else, or the clueless. Firstly, the care industry has a hard enough time screening out the neglectful, abusive and careless as it is. A company that allows men to lone work with elderly women is eventually going to attract sexual predators as applicants, who will seek the position explicitly because of those opportunities the company has created.

Secondly, we work with vulnerable adults who need care because of deteriorating physical health and deteriorating cognitive health. They can struggle to remember what happened yesterday, but remember traumatic experiences from decades previously. Unfortunately, it can often be bad memories that surface most. On a daily basis, I reassure people with dementia about events that happened 40 or 50 years ago, that they think only happened this morning.

Tragically, one in four women is subjected to sexual assault during her lifetime. No-one is born old, and every single elderly woman who needs assistance with daily living today has had an entire lifetime behind her. That lifetime may include sexual assault as a child or as an adult. She may never have told anyone, and have repressed it her whole life.

This background means she may experience personal care as sexual assault if performed by male staff, no matter how innocent the intentions of the male staff. If she is suffering from dementia, she may also get mixed up about past sexual assaults and accuse current men in her life of the acts she was subjected to in the past. These accusations will then have to be investigated, so this is a safeguarding issue for the male staff.

Responsible managers who know their job avoid these situations arising in the first place.

Of course she can.

Its her body and up to her to decide who gets to touch it.

Just to add, it's hardly a big ask. My friend's dad was able to specify male only and speaking the language of his country of origin.

Of course she can say she only wants female carers for her intimate care. And the company must provide that. Why should she have a male carer when she finds this embarrassing or humiliating. Stick up for your mum and make sure she gets the care she needs from women.
YABU for suggesting she does not have the right to choose the SEX (not gender, a social construct) of her carers.

So you'd be okay with strange blokes in your home when you're at your most vulnerable? I wouldn't.

Yes of course she can. I would too if personal care was involved. Call them up for her and explain.

Just to clear up a couple of things.
This is not for personal care it's just giving her tablets and making a sandwich.
I had already spoken with the care company who agreed to only send females carers for the morning and evening visit but today a male carer told her he will be back later which caused the upset.
The care company said people were sick etc which I totally understand but it caused a massive drama for my mum.
The manager found someone else after all but the anxiety wasn't great for my mum and everyone she called to help her (most of us are a minimum of 2 hours away)

My stupid finger voted wrong and it won’t let me change.

Of course she can decide who does personal care for her