AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

[Newforthis26]

My mum is almost 80 and has been in hospital with a UTI.
She lives on her own and has been very confused, she's on the waiting list for the memory clinic and was sent home with carers going in 4 times a day to help with medication and meals.
She wants me to tell the care company that she won't allow any male carers to go in.
I've reassured her that they will do the same as female ones but she won't have it and is currently ringing everyone in the family complaining about it.

So AIBU to say she can't choose the gender of the carers?

YABU.

And it's sex, not gender. The issue is that they are biological males and that wouldn't change if they presented as female (ie gender).

She absolutely can my grandma is slightly older and has also refused males for personal care calls so morning and night, she did initially say no males altogether but they sent one one day for dinner time and he’s now her favourite but he only goes during the day not morning or night. Of course an 80 year old woman isn’t going to want men she doesn’t know helping her get a shower, how insensitive of you to be trying to force that on her would you want an unknown man helping you with personal intimate care? wtf op

Thank you!

Gosh, your poor mum. Yabvu. Luckily for your mum, there are far more female than male carers so she should be fine.

My mother was hospitalised twice last year and both times was asked whether or not she was happy to have male carers on discharge.

Why won't you support her wishes? It makes your mum uncomfortable, she is clear she doesn't want a man providing care. And youre framing it as "poor mum, shes losing it". Respect what she wants.

She absolutely can state a preference of what sex her carers are, especially if they will be doing intimate care like washing and dressing, but if she is going to be alone, one-to-one, with the carers she can definitely say she doesn’t want a male.

This is why it’s so important to use correct language. This is about biological sex, not gender stereotypes and identity. In situations like this it’s sex that matters, saying gender muddies the waters and allows for misunderstanding and confusion.

Your mum only wants women coming in to her house and looking after her, and she is completely within her rights to say that.

Of course she can choose. Needing intimate care makes a person incredibly vulnerable and the vast majority of women want female only care and can legally request it.

Fuuck. Please tell me this is a reverse?

What everybody who’s just replying to the opening post is missing is that the OP has now confirmed with the agency that they’re only going to send women carers.

Your mother deserves dignity and respect. If it's her wish to have only female carers, then that's what she should have. How and why is it bothering you? The care company will sort it.

Edited, just saw update

I don’t know what she’s entitled to legally or whatever but I think she’s completely entitled to only female carers. How would you feel about a strange man washing your bits and seeing you naked? They should be assigning male carers to male patients and female carers to female ones. I know care is understaffed but it can’t be that hard. Elderly people have had their dignity eroded enough

Great responses on this thread. Hopefully the OP will now be a little more respectful of her elderly mother's legitimate wishes.

OP, please grant your DM some dignity and respect and have an adult conversation with the care provider! Would you want some strange man helping you to put your knickers on or wiping your arse when you’ve been to the toilet???

Yes, she does. Sex is biological, gender is ‘feels’. If you want a female carer, you want a woman, not a man who identifies as a woman. Pedantry has its place, because language matters.

Of course she can! I've specified female only for my mum (at her request) in both hospital and at home in the past year. V occasionally men had to assist her in hospital and would explain due to staff shortages. Basic dignity OP. You sound harsh and uncaring.

Yes she can. My FIL only had male carers and MIL only had female carers for intimate care. Meals etc were either sex as that didn’t matter.

She can. It’s not uncommon for women to request female carers only.

A carer coming into your home is somehow a lot more personal than being in hospital, so people are allowed to request male or female carers only.

There really should be a specific circle of online hell reserved for people who reply to the OP without even checking their updates.

I think I’d feel differently about it in a care home, with other people around. But as a lone person at home, definitely not.

It is horrifying that a vulnerable woman is told she should accept intimate care from a man.

This is an area where discrimination absolutely should be allowed.

Yes, if you refer to Gender, there’s always the risk you’d get a bloke prancing about in a dress, pretending to be a female carer.

No-one wants to be hoodwinked into accepting a biological male doing intimate care if they’ve requested a female, so saying female SEX makes it crystal clear.

Make sure you have ring cameras or similar in the house OP, with your DMs agreement. I worked with older people and other vulnerable adults when I was younger, and I witnessed physical and verbal abuse that some 'carers' felt comfortable dishing out in my presence. I dread to think what they would do if there were no other witnesses around. (I reported what I witnessed).

Ultimately it will depend if the company has enough female carers to cover the care package.

You can ask but it's not guaranteed and may be something your Mum has to just get on with if staff are off sick and the only cover is a male carer.

If the occasional male carer turns up please don't take it out on them, it's literally a shitty minimum wage job.