Daughter left to get hotel in reading on last day of festival by my husband who can’t be arsed to pick her up. Says I am being hysterical that I don’t think that is the best answer.

[mylot]

So dd 17 just casually told us she wants picking up from Reading festival with a few others at 1am. I was going to go but not super comfortable lone driving in the wee hours knowing I might be waiting around a bit in a car park somewhere (you know what they are like with answering phones) DH offered to go. Then having looked at the mass exodus traffic situation, he says he can’t be arsed and thinks booking her a hotel in the centre of town is a better idea. I said no, anyway, what about her mates. Regardless, she’d be wandering around on her own post festival in a strange town at 1am. He said I was being weird for having a problem with that, no one else would say that. I said ‘Um. I grew up as a woman…’ he said ‘ No other woman I know would ever say that to me.’ Bearing in mind he is in the middle of an emotional affair with someone 20 years younger at work. AIBU to think that some of you would rather go get her (it’s a hour) than have her abandoned in a strange town?

I think it sounds like your daughter is back home now? From a logical POV not knowing how close you live or don’t live to Reading, she would still be hanging around at night. I’d imagine all rooms locally are booked up too. I think the other issue is how you feel your partner is talking to you and also fact he is having an affair. That is the issue underlying all of this. Im
nor sure how to respond to that x

No one is unreasonable here, except perhaps DD, who should compromise and if wanting a lift ask DH to pick her up at a more civilised time.

It doesn’t matter. I would make sure I was there as my child would be a 17 year old female. (I’d do it for my son as well.)When I was younger and I went clubbing locally with my friends, my friend’s dad would collect us at 1-2am to ensure we got back ok. He did this without fail. I wouldn’t just leave it to chance of her camping on the street, finding a hotel god knows where alone, getting a lift from a random stranger. I’d much rather it was us there to collect unless we had made plans a long way in advance where we knew who she was with and exactly how she was getting back.

this. I went out clubbing in central London from age c 14/15 without my folks knowing. Getting night buses back to suburbia to stay at pals homes. I used to sometimes get off a nightbus and walk through wild land at 3/4am in heels… I sometimes gasp at how often - weekly - I did this and how lucky I am for nothing to have happened to me. I went to reading as a 19 y o, in 90s ans it was hectic then. A friends bf drove us back but we couldn’t find him for ages at 2am and it was scary. The idea of a 17 yo wandering around the edges of the site at night or any town centre at night - tbh any woman - hell no. As annoying as the teen is being you keep them safe esp in a chaotic situation such as post festival close. If her friends are leaving would not allow DD to camp solo if that is the case.

Possibly as he heavens opened and it’s terrible weather - downpours and site is soaked

Dont most people camp tonight and leave tomorrow? Seems really odd to me to leave at 1am Sunday night

I can’t get my head around your dh not doing this for your dd. We have done so much driving for dd, including middle of the night drop offs/pick ups.

The last night is like a war zone, so in theory yes you can stay another night in a soaked tent and weather the tents being set on fire and feral anarchy, or you could watch as much as you can and leave safely before it kicks off? I would be pleased my dd was smart and looking after herself, even if we would be discussing the pick up time as it needs to be earlier potentially.

Definitely leave a 17-year-old girl alone, without friends, at a festival and go to collect her in the morning. I mean - what could possibly go wrong.... Honestly, some parents on here don't deserve the title parents. Your husband is being a dickhead. We have a rule that if we are needed we go - safety comes first every time. That doesn't mean you can't tell your child that they're useless and need to get their shit together - but ultimately that's a conversation to have once she is home and safe.

To be fair if it bothered you that much you could just have gone to pick her up yourself.

I’m so confused about this. My daughter planned for months and we are lift sharing with her friends’ parents.

I wouldn’t leave my daughter in a strange town (how the hell he expects her to just find a hotel, I don’t know).

Seems like a fuck up all round.

We just got the train home when went to Reading. If I'd asked my parents for a lift at 1am, well, I already knew the answer. If she can get a hotel - great. If left alone walking around in the middle of the night, no I'd have to go get her but I'd be pretty pissed off tbh that she wasn't adult enough to sort out getting home safe.

@EnglishRose26 Yikes! Thanks for the explanation. Very different to all the festivals I’ve been too (all small!) Definitely not the sort of event I’d enjoy.

But she is not an adult at 17 is she, isn't that the whole point.

Reading and Leeds are really in a league of their own. The Mosh Pit is particularly horrendous. I can't imagine the conditions with so much rain. It is bad enough in good weather. It is edgy to say the least, and nothing like a lovely family friendly local festival. There are some adult gangsters prowling around too, and plenty of really very dangerous situation that happen every year.

Just to clarify, I would pick my children up from the ends of the earth if they needed me to, and also, your husband is a dick. I hope he had changed his mind and is going to get her!

I can see how it would be difficult for nervous drivers/with your ptsd situation (regardless of how it came about but assuming linked) as it was extremely busy and very dark and kids were everywhere, on the road etc.

Yep. This.

Can you update re dh as he is the issue here op. What kind of dh leaves their wife to drive out in the middle of the night with PTSD? That would make me seriously rethink my marriage.

A 17 year old can’t check into a hotel.

Not sure why the couple can’t drive - had it been me though I would have agreed an earlier pick up than 1am.

DH is a crap husband and father IMO but having him there presumably would solve the issue of pick up and allay OPs fears.

Why was she allowed to go without a concrete plan on how to get back?

However, if it was an emergency I would go and get her myself - even if it meant going in a cab. Did you ask your DH to try and get a hotel for her? Just out of interest. What would he do if he was proven that was not an option? He is a bit of a shit dad, tbh.

Also, the affair.

Agree with this.

I went three times to Reading. I did Leeds once. I had friends and somewhere to stay in Leeds and it's only about an hour away. I still would rather do Reading. There's knobs but the knobs at Leeds were far worse.

As for leaving at 1am. Agree with the point about negotiating with her friends. She may really want to get off site earlier but doesn't feel able to due to friends. You don't know. It's not as easy as you think to just go early if you have friends to consider at 17.

I personally always tried to leave late Reading on the Sunday night not the Monday morning for good reason. (Doubly so if it was pissing it down and my car is parked in a field. You want to get off sooner rather than later for mud related reasons). I felt safer doing that and driving home to the NW than staying. I usually stopped for a couple of hours sleep at a service station on the way before anyone gives me crap for that.

At 17 I wouldn't chance the hotel because of the risk of refusal of entry. At 18 it's a bit different.

OPs husband is being a right dick. But the OP is making lame excuses here. She needs to just get on with it and go pick up if her husband won't.

I think your DH is both naive in terms of his suggestion and risk it represents to your DD (I’m relatively local, Reading town centre not where Id want my daughter to be wandering around late at night trying to find a hotel), but also he’s a complete dick to let you go out alone in these circumstances. You and DD deserve better

I'd pass the problem to "D"H and let him solve it his way, since he knows so much better than you - with the proviso that he now owns the problem and is responsible for seeing it through. He finds a suitable Reading hotel with rooms available tonight that confirms that they will let a 17yo check in on a prepaid reservation without having the booking card on hand, and he pays for it in advance, passes the information to your daughter, and makes sure she has the money for the security deposit and for a taxi if needed. If it turns out that this isn't possible, he goes and picks her up. It really doesn't matter what he imagines his girlfriend or any other woman would do so don't waste your time with any further conversation about this; let him get to work.

Just go and get her OP. My DD is also there and coming back tonight. Luckily one of her friends dads is getting them but if not myself or DH would have gone no problem.