Daughter left to get hotel in reading on last day of festival by my husband who can’t be arsed to pick her up. Says I am being hysterical that I don’t think that is the best answer.

[mylot]

So dd 17 just casually told us she wants picking up from Reading festival with a few others at 1am. I was going to go but not super comfortable lone driving in the wee hours knowing I might be waiting around a bit in a car park somewhere (you know what they are like with answering phones) DH offered to go. Then having looked at the mass exodus traffic situation, he says he can’t be arsed and thinks booking her a hotel in the centre of town is a better idea. I said no, anyway, what about her mates. Regardless, she’d be wandering around on her own post festival in a strange town at 1am. He said I was being weird for having a problem with that, no one else would say that. I said ‘Um. I grew up as a woman…’ he said ‘ No other woman I know would ever say that to me.’ Bearing in mind he is in the middle of an emotional affair with someone 20 years younger at work. AIBU to think that some of you would rather go get her (it’s a hour) than have her abandoned in a strange town?

She might be old enough to go to Reading Festival in a group of trusted friends who all have each others’ backs - but not old enough to be wandering around the festival , or camping, or finding g a hotel, on her own if all her friends are picked up tonight

If you ‘give her an earful’ you’ll guarantee she’ll never turn to you in a time of need again.

She’s still a child. You’re her parent. Picking her up isn’t a crazy demand

I’m collecting my 17 year old daughter at 1am. Have just got back from Hills Meadow which is the official pick up/drop off spot a) to collect her stuff and b) to scout it out! (Thought it might be a field but is an actual car park). Plenty of parents and staff around. It’s also right by Caversham bridge where the shuttle boat drops them. Hope that helps OP.

Traffic is a mare though - allow loads of time!

Am I correct that she has camped 1 night? Or are you saying the first plan was to camp, they ditched that for another parent to pick them up and now they want you to do it?

In any event, I’d be more concerned about my daughter’s safety at the festival than I would be about her getting to an hotel. There is one available for £230 for the night, that’s less than 10 minutes walk away. If he’s happy to pay that, what’s the problem?

Reading during festival time is packed at 1am including massive police presence. Any person walking around will be safer than they would in Oxford Circus on a saturday afternoon.

If her “trusted” friends are being picked up, why are they leaving her without a lift?

Being old enough to go somewhere includes being able to deal with things if plans go awry.

I totally agree with you but you are going to get the ‘I was working when I was 12 kids these days don’t know they are born’ replies soon….

Why is she not getting a lift as per original plan?

I don’t get it. Why don’t they just continue camping and come back in the morning.

I'd go to the ends of the earth to get my daughter if she was stranded, no matter what time, or where she was.

Just saying.

My son has also text me today and asked if I can collect him at 9:30pm but we live 2.5hrs away. He’s in a large group that travelled on a bus and it picks them up tomorrow morning. Last night he arrived back at his tent in the early hours, and some of his ‘friend’ group thought it was funny to break the tent so it is now unusable.

I wanted to pick him up but suggested he come home this afternoon which he didn’t want to do. He has now packed up all his stuff and put it safely in someone’s tent and is going to stay up all night with some of the other group. They were told by some others camping that things get a little crazy on the campsite Sunday night so he feel’s happier to be awake and leave early in the morning. I’ve told him to go to the Welfare Tent if he needs to rest. I will be glad when he is home but he has loved it. Could your daughter and friends do the same? There will always be people around site 24hrs and then you could pick her up early in the morning?

I’d have drove and got her traffic or not! Your baby needs you, you’re there!

And of course it’s a crazy idea.

Picking up a load of drunk 17yos to then drop them all off. They will be late - so that’s 1.30. Drive back 2.30 and someone will throw up in the car.

Then how long to drop everyone off. It’s nuts

In my DD case the ‘plans going awry’ involved people on ketamine setting fire to tents.
I’m not sure you can plan for that except to say to an adult ‘if I need you will you come?’

Yabu. She's been trusted to be st the festival all weekend, she and her friends can either camp tonight or you go and pick them up. Not sure why you are worried waiting in the carpark, it will be mega busy, just keep your doors locked and dont get out of the car if you feel uneasy

Its unreasonable to ask dh to do something you are not willing to do, but not to offer an alternative suggestion

Yep, and the 'I walked to school alone, 7 miles each way in all weathers, in the dark half the year, and I was all right type' comments!

So she has a lift arranged with friends parents but her and some friends just want to stay later ( assuming the parent doing the original lift said no?). Just say no. Stick to the plan.

Why don’t you go to a hotel there earlier so you don’t have to drive through the night and collect her yourself at the later time ,
then have her stay at the hotel with you until you’re ready to drive back in the morning?

how many friends is it? You’re not responsible for the rest of them

I've collected my daughter from Reading the last two nights. Tell your daughter to leave at 1130 when last band finishes. And pick a car park for her to walk to. There are loads. And there are loads of people collecting. The carparks are not empty and and the streets are full of people walking to them. You ought to be able to collect her at midnight, my daughter was able to get to the car park we agreed at 1155. The phone signal at Reading is excellent. We could follow each others journeys in life 360 app.

I’m one of those parents who just grabs the keys and goes, no questions asked, I’ll just come and get you, doesn’t matter what time or from where or what the plan was or wasn’t beforehand. I drummed this into her. And she has never been a CF about it, and I never cared what her reason for wanting to come home was. The fact that she asked is enough.
My DD has never been able to rely on her dad. What’s happening now, is that if I ask for something is an instant ‘I’ll be there’, whereas her dad is met with: what has this got to do with me? When did we start relying on each other? which is exactly what he used to tell her and she hasn’t forgotten.

This is why they were all leaving tonight. Poor thing! Hope he had a good time and you’re not too worried.

I’ve always told my DS that if he needs us, for any reason, he can call and one of us will come. And we trust him not be an idiot, obviously, but at the end of the day I’m his parent and he’s my child and he needs to know someone will always have his back. He’s been Interrailing all round Europe and can look after himself, but if he really needed me to come get him and I was in driving distance, I’d do it.

There is a larger context here. What is your relationship with your DD, now and in the future? Do you want her to feel she has a safe harbour in the world? Do you want the line of communication to always be open? Do you want her to ask for help if she needs it? Do you want her to tell you what’s going on in her life?

Ideally she’d be forward thinking enough to have a solution, but some pps are treating her as if she’s 30, not 17. Things can happen - from weather and accidents to friendship fall outs, arguments, assaults. She’s young, she still needs you. Take it as a compliment she feels able to ask, and have the conversation about being more prepared a day or so later.

She should hold out until the morning and do whatever the plan was to leave. If their tent is bust or something maybe they'll just have to stay awake all night, you can do that when you're 17 and chalk it up as an adventure. This is a good opportunity to experience some minor discomfort and learn you can deal with it.

And yet, she might not even have the decency to keep her eye on her phone and answer it when one of you arrives??

Cheeky doesn't even cover it.

He's in the middle of an emotional affair ? So is the question really asking whether we thinks he cares for you? Hard to tell. Think we need more info before we can conclude.

Think you've had lots of helpful answers re your daughter. I'm not sure. I wouldn't have wanted my daughter there at 17 but then so many do. I was probably a bit over-protective. Hard not to be.