I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

This is your mess, don't drag the woman into it.

Fwiw, I don't judge you at all regarding the affair. But I do judge the vindictiveness of tearing apart another woman 's life just to punish him. You honestly aren't coming across well because of this.

OP you say you don’t want to leave your husband and you are scared of what will happen when he finds out but what is missing from your marriage in the first place? You’ve been having sex with another man, confessing your love for him, pouring your attention into him. And not only that, you’ve humiliated him too because if he does find out this is a story that will go round the school parents and be talked about. Same for you. It’s likely to get back to the teachers too as some gossip will likely tell a friend at the school. What possessed you to do this in the first place? I think it’s really important you examine that.

And for his wife. What did she do to you to deserve this? Her family will be ruined, she will find it hard to ever trust a man ever again (even if she stays with him). The two of you have caused so much harm.

You don’t judge her at all regarding the affair?

Bet you didn't think to yourself, whilst you were embarking on this affair "Ooh, I will be telling his wife when this is all over.". You were both just thinking selfishly. Leave it to him to tell her and you move on.

No. You've already behaved horribly by having an affair in the first place. Don't now use this man's poor wife to get your revenge on him. She deserves better than this.

You need to forget about him and work on yourself. Why did you have an affair in the first place? Do you even want to stay married?

You have treated your husband like shit, and it may not be possible to save your marriage now. If you keep the affair secret, the guilt will probably consume you. If you tell him, he may decide that he wants a divorce, or if he stays, he may struggle to ever trust you again. There is nothing you can really do about this now - the damage is already done.

You cheated on your husband and don't have to tell him but your affair partner ended it and now you want to punish his wife and your husband.

You sound horrible.

I understand you're hurting but this isn't the way to deal with it. Leave your husband or stay, but keep the affair to yourself.

You’re both as bad as each other 🤢 I hope it ruins both your marriages. If you need to cheat have the balls to leave your husband first.

You need seriously high quality therapy OP.

Don't do anything in the immediate aftermath during the heat of rejection. Give yourself some time and space to consider all possible outcomes. You may feel different six or even three months down the line, when the hurt fades. Think about the lives of the children and people involved in both marriages.

Or better still, leave him and his family alone.

@Gemitf his marriage is obviously more important to him than you are.

His wife won't thank you for telling her, neither will any of her friends or your mutual acquaintances.

If you think she'll chuck him out and he'll come running into your arms, you will be disappointed. If he wanted to be with you, he would be already.

Concentrate on rebuilding your own life and family. Do what's right for them. Only you know if that means telling your husband about the affair.

Oh ffs….

It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told.
Oh behave!!
You dont want her to know for altruistic reasons. Dont kid us or yourself!

Apologies I haven’t read some of your previous posts if you’ve explained how it ended. But no of course it’s possible to continue an emotional connection without a physical one. If two people fancy each other and have an emotional connection they’re either going to jump back into bed together pretty quickly or feel absolutely tortured that they can’t! The only way for the physical part to end is to get as far away as fucking possible from him!

Please please don’t do anything just now. Not to her or to your husband. It’s all too raw and emotional just now. Can you confide in a counsellor to help navigate your feelings and get to a calm place before making decisions?

You need to keep your mouth shut for everyones sake.

Yes of course. Unfair for her not to know and why should he get away with it?

Why tell your husband. It is over. Hopefully, you have learned how awful affairs are and you will not be doing it again. The grass is not greener. Do you want other people to hurt as well. Cutting nose off to spite your face comes to mind.

This with knobs on

I'm glad you have already responded to and recognised this @Gemitf

It's spot on.

Whilst neither of us were married, a similar thing happened with my xFWB. We stopped the physical side as he did something that left me feeling unsafe and that i couldn't trust him, but the chatting carried on as we were good friends and had been for 4 years. After a few months, we recognised we were still trying to fulfill a need in ourselves by using the other as an emotional support. So we stopped chatting and blocked each other.

It was a really hard thing to do, but it had to be done.

The man here is still using you to get a need fulfilled in him. Every time he sees your reply to one of his messages, it gives him a buzz
He sees you're still thinking of him.

For the sake of your own marriage, you need to cut this loose end. Block him. Don't respond. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you're thinking about him.

I wish you the best as you attempt to get your thinking, and hopefully your marriage back into a healthy place.

Don't you think the pair of you have caused enough hurt and damage with your selfish actions?

Honestly, you are better off just moving on and finding somebody else to have some fun with. This is the thing with affairs, some people choose to end it for whatever reason and it hurts, but you can't be selfish about it. Just be glad of what you had and it will all be OK ❤

I’d say stop focusing on him, his wife and revenge and focus on you. Maintaining any kind of connection with this man is a recipe for disaster as obviously it is not about friendship. I think he just wants to keep you there as an option. You can’t get anything positive from that kind of set up, you will just be further drained, frustrated and remorseful. I think you should seek therapy to work out why you even had this affair. What were you looking for? What could be changed in your own marriage or life? Maybe divorce is what needs to happen anyway or maybe not. Whatever happens you don’t go back to this man, it is not going to give you what you need, only momentary ups along with protestations of love and/or future promises not backed up by action.

Exactly
Op is not only a cheater she is a liar too

How did you find the time?

Have you thought of your DC, their futures, where they will live and their education through you wanting to be vindictive?

He wants to keep you on a string, it improves his ego to know someone else desires him, BLOCK him, don’t go for his little secret meetings, so he can have a hold over you.

Next week find a counselor to help you through the next nine months.

You will forever keep this from your DH, never to tell your burden for the rest of your life. Think of others not you poor conscience for their sake.