To say firmly and definitively I won’t miss it

[toomanytakeawaysthissummer]

I realised far too late parenting is not for me, although I still hope things will get better. I had a very unrealistic idea of just how much work small children are.

As a result the last few years have been some of the most miserable of my life and I’ve been wrung out, stressed, exhausted and depleted in every single way from every single part of my life.

Like I say, I am hoping it might get better.

But I’m told by others often with a game chuckle that I’ll miss it one day. That these are the best days (can’t see it myself) and I’ll long for these days in ten years.

Are they fucking mental or what?

How old are your children? You sound depressed - which could be situational because it sounds like your partner is useless, or it could be PPD.

Yes, parenting is hard and the early years are boring and exhausting, but it's not normal to feel the way you do. I don't think it's helpful for people on this thread to be normalising it for you. Can you go to your GP?

If your children are shrieking and shouting all day, that's not normal either. None of my three did that, nor does my 18 month old nephew. Perhaps there's also something going on there that needs investigating?

Agh. I was the same. Hated being a parent until they were toddlers and things got a bit more interesting.
Now I really miss them. I can’t believe those people were right. I’d love to have a car full again to take to a castle or to a zoo or something. 😭

You clearly mix in v different circles to me. No one i know says this. The closet is the acknowledgement that thr lack of control can lead to extra worry and different challenges.

Op, the more independent they get, the better. Even just being able.tomread my book on a Sunday morning bevause the dc are doing other things (or.sleeping) is something I still actively appreciate. And I have been lucky enough to be in this situation for a while! 🤣🤣.

I would suggest if your partner is no help, you might be surprised how much easier it can feel.when you get rid of him! Because the load of looking after another adult AND the resentment that brings, is very heavy.

I don’t miss the under 5 years. Adore my kids but it is gruelling! They are a lot of fun post 5 and more interesting! I don’t think that makes you a bad mum. I cared well for my kids when they were little but I was horribly bored and sleep deprived.

I don't think it's a matter of missing or not missing. Everything has its time - early years have many adorable moments but also long, thankless stretches of unremitting schlep. Sure, I don't get the cutely mispronounced words anymore but I get great conversation from my lovely teenagers. And no, I do not miss the schlep!

The only thing I miss about the early days are the physical closeness of feeling like I love them so much I could literally eat them, but kisses will have to do instead. And being able to fix their troubles.

It’s easier now because it’s slightly less relentless and you get more space, but harder because the love is slightly from afar and I can’t fix their troubles. Those early days are a grind though… you can only do it for so long without losing your mind.

Read my post! It can be much harder. I find it so. Several of my friends say the same thing, others feel differently.

There are no absolutes when it comes to parenting.

@toomanytakeawaysthissummer not to invalidate what you are saying, at all but the problem is much more linked to your relationship than your children.

Ofc young children are hard. But if you feel isolated and unsupported, that’s really your main problem.

Is there any chance of this resolving (in either direction ie addressing the issues or leaving?)

I enjoyed all stages of parenting, but I don’t look back or miss anything.
I’m glad that children grow up and progress through the stages - it’s so satisfying and rewarding, and you get these wonderful independent people at the end of it.

I’ve never understood the sobbing mums at the end of primary school thing; children are supposed to grow up and move on!

My sisters children are all in there 20s and have lifes of their own.
When i asked her dose she miss them days it was a flat out NO, she said early days toddler days school years teen years dont miss any of it.
I love freedom now, i enjoyed watching them grow up and becoming adults.

Shes 42 soon and planning a birthday away in cuba.

I think everyone prefers parenting different ages. Some people love the toddler years and dread teen years, others the opposite. I think it's only normal as the different ages require completely different skillsets as a parent, and we can't all enjoy or be good at all of them

So if someone is bellowing a phrase repeatedly I think at some point you have to pick your battles. If it's so loud that your neighbours can hear then he can say it without bellowing. But he's also in his own home, and he has a right (?) to repeat an annoying phrase again and again as long as it doesn't bother others. I don't know how old he is, but if he's listening to a Tonie then he's presumably quite young. The next stage is to try and teach them what might be perceived as annoying and what is okay to do inside one's house and what one can't do in public. But maybe they are too young for that. (One of my children understood this instinctively and one of mine had to be taught this).

Do you think that the problem is that you get mad about a lot of things, and so they don't listen when it's really important? A lot of fighting and bickering is normal. Being loud and messy and chaotic is also normal. My red lines were no hitting/physical violence, no meanness and at the end of the day everyone has to help me tidy up- I'm not anyone's servant.

The kids are 15 and 10. Are they perfect? No. But I have a lot of my freedom back and yes they are independent. They can make their own breakfast, the older one can make simple meals, they can help out with chores (and they do). We are much more of a team now.

For you!

But others, like me, find it harder.

I miss it very much.

Doing most of it alone with a lazy partner means it is brutal.
Be kind to yourself.

I honestly loved all the stages for different reasons, my toddlers were a delight.

While it’s true doing it with someone not pulling their weight is harder I am not sure it’s easy either way!

It's not for everyone. My sister had 2 kids very close together who are now adults. I'm one of the people for whom it doesn't get boring (having had 4 kids spaced out over 20 years). But I sometimes think my sister made the better choice as she's able to have nice holidays and stuff

And honestly I do think it’s the racket they make. It puts me on edge. I’m constantly waiting for the next yell or scream, constantly. So even when it’s calm I’m not. I’m in a state of hyper alert for around fourteen hours a day.

I didn’t enjoy the newborn/ toddler / early years part. The past few years I’ve loved, my DC are 12 and 15 now. Some people hate the teen part, but I’ve loved it so far. I think I’m better at dealing with older kids.
when I walk past a play park & see all the parents with the little kids, I think, thank fuck that bit is over ! But some people miss that part 🤷‍♀️

We had zero extended family support as we’d moved away for work and I think when they were little that made it so much harder, but now it’s nice to have no extended family thinking they can interfere as they’ve never helped us !

It depends on your set up.

I have regular periods of help when my mum flies over (they live abroad) and helps and, honestly, I love being a mum during those times. My mum takes care of the house and food and nursery drop offs and all I have to do is bedtime and ENJOY my toddler. Absolutely fabulous.

When she's gone and I have to do everything....I really question life choices too.

I have a huge gap between my children. My daughter is 18 and my son is one.
I was a teenage mum and hadn’t thought anything through. I loved her baby years and she was a wonderful little girl but I envied the independence and experiences others my age were having. As she got older, I spent a lot of time building a life for us that kept me very busy. When she was about 10, I didn’t think I’d get to have any more and regretted that I’d not cherished the time more.
Now with my son, I try to take things slowly and enjoy him.
All that being said, I do think we all experience parenting differently and there are a lot of people who post and share similar views to yours. Seek those people out so you don’t judge yourself too harshly.

When my dcs were small, I would have said exactly the same than you.

Now theyre young adults and I look at children aroubd me, esp, the little ones and I smile found ly thinking ‘oh how cuuute’

I think you forget the hard bits and remember the good parts.
And you look at it with rose tinted glasses only seeing those 5 or 30 mins, missing those lovely times.
Thats when people say you’ll miss it.

Same with ‘it goes quickly. Make the best of it’.
When you’re right in the thick of it, it REALLY doesn’t feel like it goes quickly or it will never end.
And once your dcs are adults, it feels like it was such a short time (like the first 2 years) and yes you’d better take notice because they’ll change quickly agd the baby years will be gone in the blink of an eye.

No one is rigut or wrong. Just different view point.

Im the opposite, loved it when they were little, dont like it now. Would give anything for them to be small again

I wont miss it. Its really hard. About 10 months into motherhood i asked a colleague why no one told you how hard it was and she replied that no-one would have children if they knew what it was really like. Im proud of everything I have done for/with my children. I know I have put them first and given them the best I could (save for 1 horrible hangover per year). I wont miss the big challenges that each stage brought - unless they become such awful adults that I wish they were clusterfeeding newborns again.