To say firmly and definitively I won’t miss it

[toomanytakeawaysthissummer]

I realised far too late parenting is not for me, although I still hope things will get better. I had a very unrealistic idea of just how much work small children are.

As a result the last few years have been some of the most miserable of my life and I’ve been wrung out, stressed, exhausted and depleted in every single way from every single part of my life.

Like I say, I am hoping it might get better.

But I’m told by others often with a game chuckle that I’ll miss it one day. That these are the best days (can’t see it myself) and I’ll long for these days in ten years.

Are they fucking mental or what?

You shouldn’t feel guilty. Presumably your children are fed and clothed? The children I feel sorry for are the ones whose parents keep on having child after child with no notion of how to parent and no concern about their offspring once they’re past the baby stage.

This is me. I really enjoyed all of the stages, have loved having kids but not a single part of me misses the stages that have gone by. I have a 19 year old and a 17 year old now and it's great.

I miss having a little one I could pick up and hug. DS can pick me up for a hug now. And there were nice moments, Im sure you have a few too. But in many many ways grown up kids are so much easier.

Yes but that’s the practical stuff and literally anyone can do that. Horrible examples but star Hobson was fed and clothed, as have been many other children who have suffered horrific abuse. Obviously nine don’t fall into that category but I’ve definitely fallen short of the parent I wanted to be.

i hated the early years and cried a lot of the time. Looking back it is clear i had a hefty dose of PPD that i mostly managed to cover up from everyone.

What i feel now is despair and sorrow that i look back and can only think about what an awful awful mum i was in those years. If i go to Boots or a supermarket i go out of my way not to go down aisles for baby/toddler items.

they're in their 30s now, and we are all fine, but i will someday ask them about it.

I think there is joy and stress with every age group. My two are in primary school now and it is sooo much easier. Once they can wipe their own bum and put on their shoes it's a game changer. I do look back at photos and videos of them when they were toddlers and miss elements of it but I wouldn't go back. It was hard work.

OP, we all fuck up as parents sometimes. Including those of us who have always enjoyed being parents - there isn't a single parent on the planet who hasn't messed up in one way or another. And guilt pretty much goes with the territory, I'm afraid.

I am sure that your kids are loved and well cared for, even if you don't particularly enjoy the parenting role. They don't need to know that and I'm sure that you're careful not to show it. Cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you're doing the best you can, and that's all that any of us can do.

I am constantly amazed, looking at my young adult dd, to see what an incredible and well balanced human being she has become, despite multiple fuck-ups by myself and my DH.

Eldest an adult, youngest 11. At times I miss the hugs (now I initiate any hugs!), them reaching for your hand, the silly questions that you couldn’t always answer, the laughs, the fact that you didn’t have to bribe or cajole to get them to go places with you, do things, the games of chasing, story time, the baby years I miss just gazing at them as they fed, the feeling of calm and contentment when you were both just looking at each other. The two oldest are around less and myself and dh aren’t sure we’ll stay together so some day all the chaos that drives me nuts will be gone, and it’ll be just me, and I will miss it

I have an overall sense that I didn't enjoy the early years at all, and there's a lot I haven't enjoyed about the years since. But I think it helps not to allow yourself to have 'all or nothing' thinking. Maybe it's easier to be balanced about a job or romantic relationship - 'I like this but not that'. It's really the same for parenting. There is some stuff that's good, even if there's stuff that isn't. I feel like the stuff that has been good has maybe not been quite what I thought would be good - some fab new friendships, the rhythms of life provided by parenthood, the love and trust your child has in you, and later, the fun little companion to watch a film with. It's better to try to acknowledge what it's brought to your life, as well as acknowledging what it has taken away

See I can’t stand that @Morepositivemum . I have just screamed at one of them to go away because I just can’t take it. Every time I try to speak one of them starts talking some shit about something. They argue about the most inane and pointless things, they shout and scream constantly, one has been bellowing their head off since they woke up this morning. If they say something to you they can’t say it once they say it over and over and over until you’re broken begging them to stop but then they still don’t.

It is a form of torture. I’m convinced of it.

I think you're conflating two things here. One is your own enjoyment of parenthood and the other is your evaluation of how you are doing as a parent.

The thing is, it's ok to be a flawed human being. My wonderful, amazing mum died a couple of years ago. I would say that she never lived up to her own standards of what kind of mother she wanted to be, but from our perspective, she was fantastic. I only wish she could have spent more time reflecting on the things that she did well and less time on the things that she thought she had fucked up... which actually loomed much larger in her mind than in our own. You may not be the best judge of how well you're doing - your kids will be the ones to judge that. And most kids are pretty forgiving overall.

Try to let yourself off the hook a bit. You don't have to strive for perfection. You just need to do what you can to ensure that your kids are safe, fed, clothed and loved. You might even find that you start to enjoy it more if you stop striving towards an impossible standard that you will never realistically be able to meet.

I’ve enjoyed being a parent and would happily do it all again but it’s definitely easier as they get older.

Due to give birth in the next few weeks. Shitting it now :(

It's really awful but when I see pregnant women I just feel really sorry for them 😁. I'm sure you'll love it though - lots of people really do. And if you don't, hang on in there because it gets better every year that passes

It’s like when people say “your school days are the best days of your life”. I would disagree, my school days weren’t particularly awful but I certainly don’t miss them or wish to go back. My two are adults now and I definitely look back fondly on the early years and would go back if I could. You are not unreasonable for not feeling the same.

My kids left home 20+ years ago and I've enjoyed the empty nest EVERY SINGLE DAY since the last kid fledged. I love my kids but HELL NO to childraising and all the sacrifice, expense, crap that goes with it. Grandparenting is wonderful though - you just hand the little buggers back at the end of the day! Ideal.
You won't miss a thing OP.

The two are intertwined though @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack . Because I don’t enjoy it, I’m often frustrated and angry and it doesn’t take much for me to snap, and I do recognise that’s not good for anybody.

My eldest child has been shouting his head off since he woke up. He listened to an Octonauts Tonie that mentioned something about a developing crab and he kept shouting I’m a developing crab over and over, with exactly the same intonation ‘I’m a DEVELOPING crab, I’m a DEVELOPING crab, I’m a DEVELOPING crab.’ Everything he says is at the top of his voice. The screaming and the shouting is just fucking awful and it’s made me so tense as I’m constantly waiting for the next scream.

I do as well, but everyone’s experience is different. My honest heartfelt advice would be stay at one, life is manageable and enjoyable then. Everyone I know who loves parenting EITHER has a fuck tonne of support OR one child OR both.

Have you considered Loop earplugs? Rewards for playing quietly?

I had such high hopes for these things but no. They did nothing at all.

They rarely do anything asked of them which is more evidence that I’ve done a shit job the ONLY time they cooperate is when I properly lose my shit.

Kids can be gorgeous and loving and they can also be little sh*ts. I never missed the early days or the middle days and definitely not the teenage years. They're now both over 30 and I quite like them. One has two grandchildren and I am fully convinced that that is the way to enjoy children. They're 4 and 2. We pick them up from theirs go out and have fun for a few hours, have some lunch and then take them home. Job done.

The fact that you're agonising over being a bad parent means you're probably really not a bad parent and are just like the rest of us. .. getting by. Give your head a wobble and realise your ARE NOT ALONE.

God I hope not @Witchergeralt , as much as I’ve hated being a parent I also know this is not their fault.

When my children were toddlers they were adorable but also such hard work. I do not miss it one bit. They are 8 and 10 now, we are on a lovely holiday and they are old enough to enjoy it. We don't have to worry about naps, tired legs, whether there's anything they'll eat etc. They go to bed, sleep all night. You can have interesting conversations with them, the older one beats me at chess. They are actual people and not just a drain on my energy.
It's 1000% better and i wouldn't go back to toddlers for anything.

Parenting babies and toddlers was not for me, the age they are now is a joy.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that parents sometimes snap at their kids even when they love having small children. I absolutely loved being a parent, but I still snapped at dd sometimes. My mum also loved being a parent but she snapped at us sometimes as well. Quite often, actually, but honestly, I think she was more upset by it than we were. It's normal, and human, because even when you love being around them, small children can be exasperating at times. And exhausting.

Is there any way in which you can find the funny side of things? The constant refrain of "I'm a developing crab" might well be infuriating, and I get it, but it's actually quite funny as well.

Ultimately, I guess it comes down to the balance between times when you're cross and snappy and times when you're fun and loving. If you're constantly snapping at them, then maybe you need to seek some help, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like this is constant at all. More that you're beating yourself up about it when it happens?

Agree.

I desperately wanted kids until I had them.

Mine are teens now and I haven’t had a stage I thought was lovely other than when my first was a baby.

They are so much work and so expensive.