To say firmly and definitively I won’t miss it

[toomanytakeawaysthissummer]

I realised far too late parenting is not for me, although I still hope things will get better. I had a very unrealistic idea of just how much work small children are.

As a result the last few years have been some of the most miserable of my life and I’ve been wrung out, stressed, exhausted and depleted in every single way from every single part of my life.

Like I say, I am hoping it might get better.

But I’m told by others often with a game chuckle that I’ll miss it one day. That these are the best days (can’t see it myself) and I’ll long for these days in ten years.

Are they fucking mental or what?

If you’re worried about being a ‘bad mum’ chances are you aren’t. When ever I’ve encountered shit parenting those involved have been oblivious and thought they were doing fine. Please be gentle on yourself.

I don’t miss it at all. Mine are 17 & 16 now & I certainly don’t miss the childhood years at all. The youngest has just left school & I’m so glad because those school years have been hell of a battle.

No one wants to fuck their kids up. I was very conscientious and I read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen before I even conceived and I had great plans for the activities we’d do and the places we’d go and the healthy meals they’d eat.

And then they arrive and it’s 100 times harder than I could have believed. I literally go to bed at night feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck, just shocked numb silence. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them but my god they don’t listen or do as they are told and the screams are destroying me. Maybe I’ll enjoy it more when they scream less.

What are you doing to improve things for yourself op? And by extension your dc?

I recall feeling like this in the early years, it’s fucking hard, joyful at times, beautiful in some ways, but really fucking hard work too. YANBU

I relate to everything you've said OP. Mine are 7 and nearly 5. Husband supports but we are honestly just both burned out. Only one set of grandparents and they are zero support so we are pretty much doing it alone. It's hard. I think it depends on the type of kids you get as well. Mine will not sit and do crafts. They are high energy and very high sensory needs and it's honestly just all too much.

I'm wondering a few things:

are the kids just being kids and OP can't cope?

is OP's shouting modelling shouting?

Could OP benefit from parenting support via parenting groups?

could OP benefit from other support through friends, other family, nanny, other care for the children?

is OP depressed? Could therapy and medication help?

do the children need an assessment?

Yes, parenting is hard. Some people cope better than others. Some kids are easier. Even easy kids can be difficult. If you can't cope, have depression, other significant things to deal with (as OP does) it might not take much to break. Bottom line is that OP needs help.

Maybe start here:

www.actionforchildren.org.uk/how-we-can-help/get-parenting-support/

Oh, I wasn't saying you don't love your kids or anything, please don't think that.

I was just responding to a PP, that's all :)

I loved having small children and yes I do miss it in a wistful kind of way - I don't actually think I'd have the energy for babies and toddlers now though! I had mine young so I think it was easier to cope with the lack of sleep etc.

I absolutely love spending time with my adult sons, they are my favourite people but I do sometimes miss the lovely little boys they once were!

I think it's ok to say you haven't found it easy - that doesn't make you a bad mum! And it does get easier as they get older and more independent and you get a bit of time to yourself.

Sorry @beaglescurleduplikebagels probably being a bit defensive. It’s been an exceptionally shouty day today even by our standards and it does put me on edge and makes me very tense so I find myself overreacting. But then I also think I’m living in a house where I’m constantly waiting for a scream, of course it’s stressful.

I don’t have children so am of limited use, but my experience is that people look back on periods of their life and feel a pang about time passing and periods of their lives that are finished.

How old are your kids, OP?
What is your personality like? Are you quiet, funny, a thinker, a reader? ….
I ask this because sometimes you can lead from this and it will smooth the road for you and make it more enjoyable if you don’t feel like you are compromising every aspect of yourself along the way.
I had horrible PMT back when it wasn’t taken seriously. I regret being so impatient and shouty with my eldest, but realise I had a serious condition which really affected me.
One positive example I look back on was feeling really mad and twitchy on a dark winter’s night, so I went for a walk when most people get ready for bed. DH and DS1 came along. He was only 4 but his quirky little brain got a real thrill from stomping along in the dark with me.
I would often diffuse potential meltdowns with humour, because my kids are funny too, and they got it. They got to prefer laughing and anarchy and outrageous wrestling on the floor or mad imaginative ridiculous conversations over a temper tantrum.
You’ve got to make sure you enjoy yourself with them and not feel as if you have no personality when it’s being taken over by the wants, needs and emotions of young children.
I am far from a perfect parent. None of us are. I think you just recognise that you want to enjoy it and that’s the first step.

I really envy my cousin who never had children of her own! She always said she didn't want children and she is not good with young ones. I am/never was a natural mum. I look back and think it was not great for either of my DCs. Don't get me wrong I love my DCs and GDCs DCs and wish their childhood could have been better.

You may need the GP too. I’ve been on Prozac for a long time now and it was life saving.

Over the very early years now, so can actually sleep properly. Delighted that at 7 and 5 they are remarkably independent and help each other.

The early years were the worst. The moments I remember are mainly ones where there was no sleep, just endurance. When I look back at photos of smiles and seemingly happy time... I struggle to remember them.

Ime parenting got easier and better the older they got. I missed some things. 3 to 5 year olds are incredibly sweet and funny, and when you suddenly notice the lap sitting and hand holding and sheer physicality has gone, it's a little sad. But I have GC now so that's back again.

My kids are only little and I love being a parent but I don't miss the baby stage at all.

At the time I really struggled with the early years but now they're 22 and 18 I do sometimes miss the tininess and squishiness of them. I'd go back for a few days but no more! Looking back that was largely due to circumstances and lack of support but I definitely get it.

I would rather have no grandkids at all than have to look after any more than the odd day a week, I feel quite scarred by the whole thing tbh. You're not alone!

No need to apologise, I can see how much you're struggling

Have you ever tried Loop earplugs to help drown out some of the background noise? Not everyone likes them but they might help you a little bit.

I have - they were rubbish! I was so annoyed haha. Thought they would solve everything!

How old are they, @toomanytakeawaysthissummer?

Preschool so hoping things may get better … hoping anyway.

The best is yet to come OP!

Small children are a great deal of work and mess. My DH and I regularly laugh about how we don’t miss it that time at all.

Teenagers are (while at times stressful and annoying) just great fun and you can enjoy a life again, go out with your husband for walks, dinner etc.

Oh no! 😂 it seems people either think they're amazing or can't stand them, ha.

No cos it gets worse as they get older. A whole new level.