To say firmly and definitively I won’t miss it

[toomanytakeawaysthissummer]

I realised far too late parenting is not for me, although I still hope things will get better. I had a very unrealistic idea of just how much work small children are.

As a result the last few years have been some of the most miserable of my life and I’ve been wrung out, stressed, exhausted and depleted in every single way from every single part of my life.

Like I say, I am hoping it might get better.

But I’m told by others often with a game chuckle that I’ll miss it one day. That these are the best days (can’t see it myself) and I’ll long for these days in ten years.

Are they fucking mental or what?

I don't miss into at all but adore my adult children. It was absolutely drudgery ninety percent of the time.

Same. My personality traits did not align with the early years. Structured homework and adolescent issues, that’s where my strengths lay. Kids are much more interesting as they get older too. Thank goodness mine are young adults now.

I honestly didn’t find the early years that hard. Tough at times but I didn’t have any of the challenges that others might have had eg PND or reflux or awful sleepers.

I’ve 3 DC, and when the youngest was a baby my (abusive) marriage ended. I was struggling financially too, and had no support; thankfully I was working. But I liked a lot of the parenting stages then, bedtimes, days out, games together.

However, I’m parenting teens now & oh.my.god. It’s so hard. My two DSs are really hard work, even though both have lots of positive attributes too. We have good times & it’s fun having DC old enough to do things with but the worry, expense and behavioural issues are so hard, I often wish I wasn’t a parent. I might not mean that at my core but it’s so hard, that I do in the moment.

OP, it sounds like you are having a particularly challenging period. It may well be that your better times are ahead. I absolutely wouldn’t tell you that you’ll miss these days.

I also think that while today is a hard day there are other days I bet you are engaging more positively with your DC and everything seems better. We do tend to just focus (or at least, focus more) on the harder parts.

This is how I feel too. Parenting is the hardest but best thing I’ve done. Definitely wouldn’t sign up for it again though!

I have 2 adult children , I loved all the stages , particularly baby / pre school years as life was just so simple with no constraints , the only part I didn’t enjoy was ‘imaginative play/ role play’ as it bores me senseless . I don’t miss any stage though and I was never one of those mums that cried at plays or when kids moved to new schools etc .

It’s a unique combination of being tiring, unrewarding and boring as hell. My brain melted in those early years, though thankfully I had a career to distract me.

I feel the same way about my elderly parents. They were rubbish parents to me growing up and now I have to do all their admin and it will only get worse. On here people say you will miss them when they’re gone. I can categorically say that I won’t.

I hate these trite comments as they are patronising and dismissive.

What is their father doing? Are you carrying most of the burden?

I remember finding it really hard and lots of drudgery and exhaustion, but now they’re young adults I would love to have a hour with my kids as little ones again - the innocence. The affection, the wonder and excitement at everything. I think that’s what grandchildren are for - if I’m lucky enough to have them I’ll treasure the Lego building and little train trips.

I also adore being with my kids now they’re grown up

Oh hell yes!! I know that’s part of the problem but if someone doesn’t do their bit it’s impossible to make them (and I am looking at how to get out but it’s not easy!)

How did you have no constraints!? I feel my life is nothing but!

When people used to say, ‘it passes so fast’, I used to think, ‘not quick enough’. I told my kids I didn’t take to the early years; they sympathise ;-) I have just come back from a mini break with my adult daughter and have a shopping day tomorrow with my adult son.

Despite me not being a natural mum to young kids and being shouty and snappy, they knew they were loved and we are closer than ever as adults. So don’t be too harsh on yourself.

Okay. You have a shit coparent. Of course you’ll be finding it harder than average.

Same and I think being on here has cemented in me that I absolutely made the right decision - being a parent sounds absolutely bloody awful.

This is possibly a bit contentious but I will actuay go a bit further and say I generally feel that missing the way your children were when younger is a something I find quite disturbing. I feel like as my xhildren get older, they change and evolve and the person tbeybare today is more than the person they were yesterday. I cant bear the thought of losing that.

I can sort of see dh and I sitting quietly in the lounge in 15 years saying we miss the busyness of the kids and their friends being around or whatever, but i like to think i will never ever be wishing myself back in time when it comes to my children. I want them to grow and evolve and become fully formed people separate to me.

I worked extremely pt and by no constraints I mean school runs/ term times .I did have commitments but they were my horses which I loved so they weren’t a burden. It was lovely just being able to get up in the morning and have a day out which school interfered with . I will say that I have always been able to cope on very little sleep / disturbed sleep , even now I don’t go to bed until 2 am ish and I think that helps with small children . I’m also extremely laid back .

I know what you mean! I too somewhat underestimated how exhausting being a parent would be.
Things do get easier. Mine are both in their 40s now, so things have calmed down a bit. 😂

@tinyspiny the sense of relief I feel when mine are at nursery is immeasurable. I can’t imagine feeling as you do. The nursery run is my freedom.

What does your week look like? Could they go to nursery more?

Most parents of older children say it does get much harder, and they miss the early days when you could just have fun with them, pick them up and remove them from any trouble, and didn't have to worry about them being out in the world we live in nowadays. My kids are still young, so I can't compare, but I'm so grateful to have them and enjoy as much as I can, just wish I got more time-because we have to work, we don't get to be with them as much as I'd like.

You're obviously entitled to your opinion, but every single one of the older parents I know/work with etc say the young age is a million times easier than when they're older, and they've had experience both ways-as yet you haven't.

They say the only easy bit is when you get grandkids, and get the fun bit again!

I still have them evenings and weekends! I know, sounds bleak, just struggling to find anything enjoyable at the moment, sorry.

Load of rubbish and certainly not my experience ( mother of 3 all grown now)

Teens were probably the best bit

OP, is it just parenthood that you're not enjoying or are you struggling to enjoy time away from your dc as well? Is it possible that you're a bit depressed?

Oh god, I feel you and remember it well.

I was a single parent to mine since they were 4months and 3 years old.
I was a much shoutier and stressed parent than I ever imagined or wanted to be. I recognise everything you've described. Mine were both diagnosed autistic (and one adhd) around 7-8 years, but holy fuck it was hard!
Then the teenage years brought the mental health arc and both of them have struggled for various reasons.
But things are generally much more peaceful on a day to day basis. They are 18 and 21 now and cool young people. We actually enjoy hanging out and they both talk to me (more than I wish they did at times 😂) I'm actually away for a weekend with the eldest just now for an event he wanted to attend, and very regularly go to concerts with the youngest.

Hang in there, it usually does improve.

The baby years were tough. There was nothing I enjoyed about those other than the emotional bond, it was sheer drudgery. Age two to four was hard work but they were adorable and I am well aware that I view that era with rose tinted glasses. There was much shouting.
Age 5 onwards was a dream, they just got better behaved and more fun. Loved every stage after that including teens.
I did work but never more than two days a week so I had time off.

Well that’s the issue then. Being a single parent is hard. Being a single married parent is harder.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky.

If you are working and carrying the mental load, doing the emotional labour and the bulk of the domestic labour then you are probably burnt out and in something called ‘blocked care’.

You do need to get some help with this. It’s not good for you or the kids. I suspect the only one doing ok is the lazy father.