I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

If someone wanted a divorce because of who their wife slept with before they were together then I think she would be well rid of him.

I appreciate this isn’t common but -
I am still friends with an ex. I am also good friends with another of his exes. He went on to marry that exes best friend. Everyone was part of the bridal party. He’s the godfather of the exes child. They were all at my wedding too.

It doesn’t actually have to be a huge deal if everyone likes and trusts each other.

This was out in the open from the get go, whereas the OP was kept in the dark, but I can totally see if you’re teenagers why you wouldn’t say anything and then, once the window was missed, why it would just be consigned to the past.

Maybe I wrote something incorrectly before. I don’t mean that it was cheating.

But I do feel betrayed. Imagine finding out that your best friend had slept with your wife, and you had never known the full context of their relationship during your own marriage. I understand that they were both single at the time, or had broken up, but I still believe there should be honesty in a marriage, especially when that person remains part of your daily life.

Now I can’t look at their friendship in the same way, and I don’t feel like I can fully trust either my wife or my friend. I keep wondering what else they might be hiding, and I’m not even sure whether there was truly nothing between them after we got married.

They could have at least created some distance, like people normally do with an ex, but instead they remained extremely close and comfortable with each other.

I'm assuming they didn't tell you because they knew you would react like this. There's no "technically" about it, she didn't cheat on you.

The burning question for me would be why is he telling you now?

If you can see breaking up with her as nothing more than you being an idiot teenager, why can't you see their relationship as the same thing?

When I was 18 I briefly had a boyfriend in our friendship circle. We both married other people. He's still in my friendship circle; to be fair our spouses do know we went out for a few months when we were 18 but it's never occurred to me that we'd be remembering our silly teenage fumblings at events over 30 years later. I don't think about it and I doubt he does either. If his wife is bothered, she's never shown it and my husband may even have forgotten about it. We were kids.

I can't understand why he suddenly told you 26 years later when everything was fine. What on earth was the point? What good has it done?

I would be absolutely heartbroken and so would anyone if they found out their DH has once slept with their best friend but never admitted it.

I personally would move out for a couple of days and not speak to them just to clear your head.

But then I would try and forgive them and move on.
This is not worth ruining a marriage and friendship over.

They are 100% in the wrong.
There is no excuse for not telling you.
But you cannot lose your best friend or your wife over something that they obviously assumed was no big deal.

I get it OP. It's the making major life decisions, involving these 2 people, without being fully aware of circumstances. It's their "joint secret". Their decision.
He's not just anyone - you chose him for important roles in your life, and children's lives, whilst being uninformed.
Your DF is despicable for accepting these roles, whilst choosing to carry this secret, then telling you now, making life seem like a lie.
Your wife also letting this happen.
It's not what happened - it's the ongoing secrecy.
My guess is you would of seen it very differently if told at the time. Almost certainly have still loved and married your wife. May have stayed friends with DF. But who knows? Those informed choices were taken away, making it a much bigger scenario.
I'm sorry PPs are dismissing how this must feel and comparing it to incomparable experiences of their own.

What grounds would he have to take the kids?

I feel like being a fool infront of them for 26 year's

For me this comes down to personal agency.

We all have a right to make informed decisions about your life with all the facts in front of you and they have removed that from you and that is a huge betrayal.

You made choices around family holidays, god parents, your friendship not knowing a pretty significant thing and people can downplay it all they like (probably because you’re a man and not a woman) but it’s not ok and it is a betrayal of trust.

I think there are a number of posters who are lying to themselves on here if they believe they wouldn’t be seriously hurt by this.

your wife and this man make up 2 separate issues.

1. your wife. You broke her heart, you split up. She was absolutely free to have a relationship with him. It would be nonsensical for her to tell you at the time of the relationship as you were an ex. When you got back together with her, she didn’t tell you as she didn’t want to lose you. And so it continued. She has done absolutely nothing wrong. And you should avoid wrecking your marriage. You’d be crazy to do so.

2. your friend. Why has he dropped this bombshell now. What an absolutely stupid nutter. What did he want to gain by doing this? Or is he just thick? He’s dropped a grenade into your life and potentially your kids relationship with his kids. And your social life etc. How stupid.

I would prioritise your marriage. You can step back from social stuff for now whilst you consider that relationship and its repercussions. But you need to make sure your marriage is ok as your highest priority.

If that's the case why on earth did the best friend suddenly announce it after all these years?

It's so not about 'cheating' which it's not at all,it's the fact both if them have never mentioned it before. If it meant nothing why not say something earlier?

Take a big step back OP, don't throw your marriage away but you have every right to feel hurt by the secrecy,I would find that unbelievably hurtful. Consider counselling.

If I was your wife in this situation and this is how you reacted when we had an otherwise great marriage of many years, I’d be the one reconsidering the relationship.

Clearly your pride is hurt and you are struggling with the image of your wife and your best friend together. Fine, whatever, let yourself feel that. But then you need to grow up and get over it pretty quick, because what she and he did several decades ago when you weren’t even together is quite frankly none of your business.

Why did he tell you now? Forget the teen nothing-drama. What on earth made him think this was a good time to admit it?

FWIW i definitely wouldn’t call it cheating as you weren’t together but i think in any relationship you have a right to know if your DP has slept with your best friend.

Why did he tell you now OP? Was he drunk?

@jhkyg fwiw I think you need to process this. Take some time away from your best friend and be very clear with your wife about how much this has hurt you. She is minimising and that is not ok. It might be prudent to speak to a counsellor to talk this through and teach the conclusions you need to.

It would be better if they didnt keep in contact, this should not have been a secret

Did you tell her who you slept with when you finished with her ?

It's not pride, marriage is built on trust ,I wouldn't want to sit round having Sunday brunch with someone who had seen my husband's come face !

What they did was morally dubious. Even at 18 to date your best friend’s ex is a bit off. But really, nobody betrayed you. You dropped her and walked away. She was free as a bird and owed you absolutely nothing. And I understand why she didn’t tell you either; she clearly still had feelings for you, wanted to be with you and knew that you’d react badly and probably dump her again if she told you. I expect she didn’t envisage that you’d go on to marry and that your lives would be so interwoven. And as time went on, it would have been harder and harder to tell you. As you know yourself from dumping her, we don’t always make the most sensible decisions when we’re 18.

The point is, she’s telling you that she’s been loyal to you every single day that she’s been in a relationship with you. She doesn’t deserve your anger. She took you back. She chose you, even after you hurt her and someone else had shown her that there were options other than you. She still chose you. You have no reason to think she’s ever thought about having sex with your friend in all the time you’ve been with her. You need to let the sexual aspect of your hurt go. You weren’t cheated on. She did nothing wrong. I very much doubt you would have run away if one of her friends had come on to you.

Having said that, how I went forward from here with him would depend on why he’s confessed now. After all these years? What suddenly made him feel like it was something you needed to know? It might be that the guilt has built up over the years and he didn’t want to have any secrets from you. It might be something more unpleasant. I’d talk to her, see if she knew he was thinking about telling you, ask her if he’d ever mentioned it, or told her that they should confess. And then I’d send him a message and tell him that you feel like he’s just chucked a hand grenade into your life and you want to know why. Why he felt that you should know? And why now? Hopefully you’ll be able to tell from their reactions if there’s anything more to it.

I think this is a situation where your emotions say one thing and logic says another.

Yes I can understand it feels like a betrayal, and like she has hidden it from you.

But from her perspective, you were broken up, it's none of your business who she slept with at that time, it wasn't a big fling or a love affair, it was a few weeks when you were all teenagers and they ended it because they realised they were better as friends. In that situation there ar3 clearly no lingering feelings left particularly because they were friends first they will see each other as friends not 'my ex'

Yes they probably shouldn't have done it in the first place, and yes they should have told you at the time. But (as you know from your actions) teens don't always do the right thing or make great choices. And if you make any rash decisions now you're effectively punishing that mistake from when you were 18...even though your wife forgave you your mistake.

I can understand why you'd need some space to process this and why you might feel uncomfortable and why you might have questions. But ultimately it was two single teenagers messing around a lifetime ago before realising they were actually just friends. And it would be a shame if that shaped the future of your friendship.

You have the choice now.

If you are unable to get over this, which I don't think you will be able to by your reaction, then end it. It's kinder for all. You've already dumped your friend, perhaps it would be kinder for your wife too, rather than have her punished too for something she did 26 years ago - when she was single.

She didn't cheat on you. You dumped her.

But weird of him to tell you now though.

I understand you are shocked and hurt right now and that’s natural however let’s look at it logically.
This happened 26 years ago while you were on a break, she didn’t cheat on you. As you said you were an idiot teenager and you dumped her!
Im guessing you weren’t chaste during that period but you haven’t shared those details with her?
They both decided it wasn’t for them and broke it off before she got back with you.
Your marriage has been a happy one and you’ve had no reason to be suspicious of them.

My DH doesn’t know the ins and outs (so to speak) of my sex life before him and I don’t of his, all that matters is what we have together.

The only bit I find a little strange is why he has decided now to say something? Was he drunk? Is his marriage on the rocks and he’s jealous of you?