I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

I think the phrase get over yourself is well.used here. Really you are going to mess up a decades long friendship over this?

So nobody is ever allowed to be friends with an ex in your life?

That’s you though. My husband has slept with a couple of his friends as have I with mine, when we all hang out nobody is thinking of anyone’s come face.

"protect themselves". From what? And what lie has been told?

Choosing to keep their business to themselves and choosing not to hurt you are not lies, however much you may be shocked now.

There's a very old expression that covers this - silence is golden. You KNOW that your wife loved you very much, forgave her heartbreak and you have both created a solid marriage. In her shoes, I wouldn't have wanted to risk that either...which is exactly the reason she already gave you for keeping quiet.

He's told you now for a reason. It could be anything from they were secretly together all along and she's just dumped him to he's the father of one of your kids and needs a kidney or hopefully something less dramatic. There will be more to the story but don't be gaslit into thinking this is okay. They have both lied to you over the years. Most partners don't have exes embedded in their family lives only you didn't know that so didn't get to make a choice if you still wanted him around.

Id dump him as a friend for not keeping his mouth shut. What a twat. He did that to relieve some stupid guilt of his own utterly selfishly knowing it might blow up your marriage. Why would anyone do that to a friend?
I did lots of things when I was a stupid 18 year old that I wouldnt want a partner to know about. The longer its a secret the harder it is to tell.
Im wondering if he's become jealous of your marriage and did this out of spite.

Tell me....what should I do? Chill?

Like nothing happened, nothing was hidden....I can't trust them again!! They lost it

Honestly i don't know what else they have hided...
Or they think it's not important to tell me

I think most people would be hurt by the friends actions. I think he has a real nerve to have expected his wife to tell him though.

Gawd you are so selfish. You dumped her. She did nothing wrong. This is your ego talking. The only thing that is wrong in this whole scenario is your friend opening his stupid mouth. He didn’t do it for you. He did it for himself. Ask yourself why.

Whatever, I feel so bad....i can't trust them again

You still haven't explained why your friend decided to tell you now. That is at the crux of it.
You are not wrong to feel as you do. While most are saying they were entitled to have a physical relationship it is the sense of betrayal and how they have maintained their friendly relationship all these years that has you asking questions now. That was a very big secret to keep. You need some time to decipher this and deal with the shock. Don't make any rash decisions. Do seek out counselling both individual and couple. It should help you process it.

Oh come on. This is just plain disingenuous.

She should have told him when they got back together, or at least before they started to build a life together. She was a coward not to. Being scared to lose him might be a reason, but it’s not an excuse.

The best friend however should never have done it in the first place.

Both wrong, for different reasons.

Quite frankly it is none of your business what they did when you weren’t together. You sound so controlling.

Op, I'd hate finding this out. It would feel like a betrayal but what you need to focus on is that they ended the dalliance after 3 months with no reason to other than that they just weren't that into each other.
You don't need to be wondering about their feelings for each other over the last 26 years. It's clear that they don't have any outside a friendship. Considering they are good friends (ie they enjoy each other's company) the only reason they would have put an end to a physical relationship all those years ago is because they weren't actually attracted to each other.

Again, would you have honestly posted this if the OP was a woman telling this story about her husband and her best friend?

Neither of us are friends with exes and I don't know anyone who is but in that situation I would expect to know especially about someone who is such a significant part of my life.

I would really question why the OP was told. The friend MUST have known it would blow things up.

If she had told you when you were 18 what would you have done differently?

Not sure why you won't disclose the way/why he told you now OP.

It's important.

But you know about it right? The OP doesn't,that's the difference.

Such a disingenuous comment.

Do you really think he’d feel the same if she told him she’d slept with some random bloke when she was 18 that he doesn’t know and she hasn’t seen since?

.

Does his wife know? How does she feel? I’d give her a call.

Wow , move on that was many years ago . Concentrate on the now otherwise you are setting yourself and wife up for a lot of unnecessary heartache.

That’s such a difficulty situation. By all means build on being able to trust your wife again but I wouldn’t be able to be friends with BF again, at least for now.

Maybe you need time.

I agree it’s important to find out why BF needed to get this off his chest now. Hopefully he’s not hoping it’ll affect your marriage negatively.

Take your time and work through things.

Yes.