I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

You need to speak to your friend and find out what triggered the confession and why he has decided to tell you know.

How long has he been with his wife? Does she know?

Both DP and I (together 19 years) had brief relationships with people still in our lives. DP had a fling with his cousins wife - he remained friends with her and actually introduced them - 20+ years ago and I had a few months of dating a friend of his before we were ever together.

Granted these aren't people we see everyday and we both knew the situation when we met but everyone was consenting, adult and no cheating or secrecy was involved.

You seem determined to blow up your relationship over this when neither did anything wrong at the time. Arguably maybe you should have been told but I bet when you got back together she was wondering if she’d get dumped again, and then time went by …

maybe have a think about why you are creating a drama out of this when you needn’t be

It's none of your business what your wife did when you weren't together. I don't understand why your friend has decided to confess this now, ideally he would have told you before or just after you and your wife got back together, but doing it now is cruel. Once it got to marriage or children that secret should have never been revealed. Talk about throwing a grenade. I'd struggle in your position too but I also don't think your wife has done anything wrong.

They weren't "on a break " He had dumped her. Why should she tell him about something that happened when they weren't together because he dumped her??! He probably did that so he could sleep with other people and has no right to be upset she did the same. She owed him absolutely nothing. And there would never have been a good time to tell him anyway. And no, I don't think i have the right to know who my husband slept with before we got together.

Nobody has any right to know sexual history of a person, friend or otherwise.

You're being extremely dramatic.

After all this time then he should've left it in the past. It's not helped anyone confessing this. The actual secret must be a shock but in itself wouldn't normally be a big deal if it weren't for you all being such close friends.

I'd question why he told you now. What does he have to gain from it? I'd find that put and then let it go although that might take a while for you to accept it.
I wonder if your wife knew he was going to tell you.

Are you saying that you would never have got back with your GF now wife if you'd have known about it at the time?
FWIW, one of my bridesmaids was my DH's ex. She was my best friend at school. I've never considered it a problem.

They were very young . It probably didn’t mean much. It was too difficult to tell you at the time and just got a bigger secret as time went on.
You could look at it that he hates having a secret from you and wants to make it right.

You're overreacting and at risk of ruining a lot of people's lives (your own the most) because your pride is hurt

Either people are much more chilled about this than I (and I suspect, all my friends) are or you aren’t really being honest with yourselves.

How many of you would choose as chief bridesmaid someone who had a short relationship (it wasn’t a hook up, it was months, and based on friendship) with your fiance?

He should have been able to decide that kind of question based on full knowledge.

I agree with this, and I suggest you sort out couple’s counselling ASAP because otherwise there are multiple people including your children who will get seriously caught up in your inability to process this new information on your own.

I understand it is the deceit you are struggling with rather than the sex - at least it would be for me. I am very suspicious of why your best friend decided to confess now. Seems like a pretty selfish thing of him to do, having spend a quarter century being so close to you and not sharing it. Did your wife know he was going to confess? Does she know why?
I think if you are struggling with it then step back from your best friend for a while. Possibly permanently. Try to make every effort to overcome this with your wife. It would be tragic to destroy a good marriage and your children’s childhood over this if it can be avoided. You should at least try. I also however would feel very betrayed at the deceit and she would have to acknowledge that rather than tell me it is technically none of my business. Some random bloke ok, but not your best man and godparent!

This why bring up a short fling from over 20 years ago?

26 years later it isn't important.

Maybe they didn't tell you because they know you are a bit of a drama queen and would overreact....

Being upset is understandable, but I don't think you need to blow up all these lives and friendships over it. As others have mentioned, the only outstanding issue is why did your friend feel the need to tell you now? Not a smart move on his part.

No, you have no right.

You were broken up.

It's nothing to do with you who she was sleeping with.

Stop being such an arsehole.

You are acting like your wife is your property.

Ffs men like are vikee

I understand your hurt, BUT they were teenagers and JUST 18 YEARS OLD.

No it wasn’t great, but you must understand why they didn’t tell you.

Don’t wreck both families lives for a silly teenager mistake, because believe me teenagers can be very very silly.

Like others I'm incredibly curious why your friend needed to confess now. I strongly doubt he's been living in turmoil with this 'huge' secret for two and a half decades. How's his marriage?

I would find this information hard to hear too. But if you'd have heard it 26 years ago would it have made any difference? But if I'm honest, I'd be keeping my third eye on my friend because I'd be worried he's trying to throw a hand grenade in your marriage. For what reason I'm not sure.

Exactly this, People are not understanding gravity of this situation

They weren't "on a break " He had dumped her.

IKR! A break is surely something agreed in advance by both parties, and arguably a time to get something out of your system perhaps. This relationship was dead at the time. So many posters calling it a break!

No, you have no right at all to know who she slept with when you were not together.

She didnt cheat, he didn't cheat. They have done nothing wrong.

Get over yourself because nothing has changed in your relationship or friendship.

I am in two minds. For a start you were broken up so she didn’t even technically cheat on you, and it was 26 years ago. However the fact it was your best friend and you have only just found out is odd, so I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable. Why did he feel the need to tell you now?! Surely he would have known it would make things awkward. Did his partner know? If I were you I wouldn’t break off the friendship, especially if you trust that they are both telling the truth now. They seem more like family to you so that would be sad. But yes, you definitely have the right to be a bit put out!!

I don’t think you had a right to know if they guy had been someone you never crossed paths with BUT you have every right to feel betrayed when it’s someone you have continued to have a close relationship with.

They chose to be together knowing it would cause problems with you if you ever found out. If they didn’t want the fall out from telling you they should have decided to take a step back from the friendship and created distance. That was the consequence of their actions. They could no longer have a close relationship and still be best friends / married with you, unless you were ok with it. And since they never told you, you couldn’t make that choice. Until now.

Does his wife know? There must have been a catalyst for telling you? Why now? These are the questions I would want to know.