I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

It’s very justified you feeling hurt and upset. I don’t think it’s a reason to throw your marriage away. Go to counselling. Work through it.

I would feel sick too.

Not cheating, they weren’t as you were broken up but the fact they kept it from you- I think most people would have a problem with that, and her body and her choice as to who she was with makes my eyes roll back so far into my head, is she saying it’s ok she chose to be with your best friend? What a load of rubbish!

I'd agree him telling you now is suspect but neither of them ever telling you is bs.

I’d be a bit miffed if I was you and I’d probably over react and cut my best friend off initially but after a month I’d calm down. To be honest he probably should have just kept quiet. I don’t think you’ve got much of a leg to stand on being mad at your wife though… you dumped her.

When you date within your community or social circle there will be crossover, that’s why I moved across the country to find someone who had never met (let alone shagged) anyone I know.

Noone is saying he should just shrug and he is right to be hurt by his friends actions. But he has absolutely no right to act as if his wife has done something wrong.

If your reaction is justified, won't you be shunning her as well as him? If not, why not?

Why?
How is it going to change? Are you going to sulk? Punish your wife? Drop your friend, insist she doesn't see him? What are you going to do now 'it changes a lot'?
Sorry, I understand the shock but I think you're being self-pitying. What they did all those years ago is non of your business.

Why is this reminds me of an episode of friends?!

..Fragile Male Ego fully on display.

So I have no right to know that my wife had a physical relationship with a man who has been part of our lives every day?

He was the best man at our wedding and my son’s godfather. He wasn’t just some random ex of hers.

It’s not cheating! Who doesn’t have relationships in friendship groups at 18 or 21! Often we moved on from one bloke to another if it didn’t work and grass was greener. DH and me married and he’d been out with women I knew. It’s just what happened until you found the right match. Mentioning teenage activity now is just crass. Stupid to say anything and how can this be a shock? It’s teen behaviour and meant nothing. You all need to grow up.

Human ego.

Grow up

Lazy, clichéd response.

Yes he does.

She hasn’t mentioned something so obviously significant for 26 years.

@walrushurricane ,

Of course she has done something wrong!

She needed to tell him. It is not about whether she had sex. She can do what she wants on a break and if she slept with 20 strangers, it is none of his business. But his best friend?

Would you honestly be comfortable with your husband having shagged your best friend and kept it a secret from you, even if it were before you got together?

Your friend is being unreasonable for telling you this now but I expect he figured so much time had gone by that it wouldnt be a grenade. This happened when you were 18 - just barely out of childhood and with no idea you’d end up being so close through the years.

Your feelings right now are valid but you’d be unreasonable to hold this as a grudge or let it change your marriage or friendship. You need to get over it ultimately. It wasn’t cheating and your friend and wife both didn’t have a good time to tell you. If she told you shortly after you got back together you would probably have finished it with her again. Once you’re engaged? No. Married? No. If it was ever going to come out, in your 40s a good 20 years after it happened was probably the “best” time.

But it's THEIR history not yours and it also appears that each of them thought enough of you not to hurt you.

People hook up at 18. Presumably you dumped your gf at the time because you wanted more hook ups? None of them knew you w two were going to end up together, married with kids. Their relationship was nothing to do with you and there was nothing to tell you.
Yes it's going to be shock finding out so much later and I also think it's weird that he's told you now. But your comments about questioning whether there's been any 'looks' between them since, or how he could have stood next to you at your wedding or whatever are pure creep. People aren't accessories in your main character story, they have their own lives and they don't owe you anything for that.
Take some time to process it, sure, but if you stick with this line of thinking you might lose your marriage.

There seem to be a lot of ‘cool wives’ on this thread acting like they wouldn’t be a bit put out if they found out the two people closest to them had been keeping this secret for 26 years. If it wasn’t a big deal then why not say something? It’s worse because the families have been so close and spent so much time together. I don’t think it’s marriage ending as there’s been no cheating but I’d be very upset at the secrecy. Op isn’t a ‘psycho’ as one helpful poster has commented, he is obviously shocked and upset - perfectly normal.

They were 18. They were both single. Nobody cheated. Your friend wasn't a good friend at the time, no loyalty but they were young and foolish and they also had their own friendship past - have you never been foolish at that age? Are they now to be judged forevermore for something they did all those years ago? If so, let them both go, it's kinder for all involved.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

No one is saying it’s cheating so I’m not sure why people are jumping all over the OP to tell him that. He knows that. It’s the secrecy. It’s lying by omission from both of them tbh. If I found out my husband slept with my best friend years ago and never told me about it I’d be gutted. I’d feel pretty betrayed by both of them.

However, I do think it’s something I could move past, with time.

"In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once."

The OP wrote this, before then going on to say she didn't cheat. I believe he thinks she did though.

I’d be fuming and hurt. It’s not the sleeping together it’s the fact they didn’t tell you. I’d be annoyed if it turned out my husband had slept with my bridesmaid but hadn’t told me- it would be like they share a secret which excludes me. They’ve kept their intimacy hidden and this sort of lessens your own. If you’ve trusted her with all your secrets I can understand why you feel betrayed she hasn’t.
My husband and I actually have a mutual friend he slept with before he met me and that doesn’t bother me at all -as I know about. I would be bothered if he had kept something hidden for 20 years.

This. She should have been up front about it when they got back together. And tbh the best friend simply shouldn’t have gone there in the first place.

They are both in the wrong.

So when you were 18, you cheated on her and dumped her and broke her heart. She loved you and was devastated, and ended up having a short fling with her friend.

They pretty quickly realised it was going nowhere, and of course she still loved you anyway, so they ended it. Then you two got back together and everything was great from then on.

I expect she thought about telling you, but what would it achieve? It had been a mistake. You yourself admit that teenagers do silly things. And as the years went by, it would have felt less and less relevant.

I can understand it’s a shock to you, but it really was just a brief teen fling that meant nothing. I think you should try and get over it, rather than upset everyone’s lives by ending the friendship.