I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

I'd be more concerned about why your "friend" suddenly felt the need to tell you now. Has he just got religion, or is he trying to break you up? As your wife said, you weren't together; and if it was a break-up, how was she to know you'd get back together? Would you be so worked up if she'd slept with a stranger, or do you just think she shouldn't have slept with someone you know?

So you gonna keep secrets in your marriage? Which is relevant to everyday when your ex fling is present in your daily life?

Isn't it a lie and damaging?

Ohh yeah that's easy to say

Is it you, are you the drama?!

You're jealous. Jealousy is a nasty emotion and can wreck lives. I can see by your behaviour why they didn't tell you.

No, it's not a lie. It's non of your business, huge difference.

The relationship didn't happen in your marriage.
Tbh I can see why they didn't tell you, they probably knew how you'd overreact.

Your wife is right, it's her body and what happened while you were on a break is none of your business.

It obviously didn't mean anything to them at the time.

You're coming across as someone who thinks you own your wife, her body and all her thoughts and feelings.

Massive overreaction. Do not blow up your life and friendship for this.

You weren't together, it sounds like you were a dick to her before your broke up. They naturally ended it after what was a few weeks 26 YEARS AGO.

Just make the odd joke to your bestie and move on.

Why should his wife have cared whether it would it would have caused problems in OPs friendship? He had dumped her. She owed him absolutely nothing. And when they got back together she still owed him nothing as what happened was a consequence of him dumping her.

Your wife at the time was your ex girlfriend. What were you doing during those 6 months?

If I was in your shoes I would demand marriage counselling with my wife so I could have a way to unpack my feelings in a safe environment. They lied by omission and that’s not okay in a marriage. Best of luck OP.

That's because you referred to it as cheating in your OP and people are reacting strongly to that - it wasn't cheating at all, but the issue that they never told you in 26 years of shared friendship is a problem and I don't know many people who would feel ok about that.

Can I ask, would this be your response if the OP was female and posted that her husband had been in a short sexual relationship with her best friend and chief bridesmaid and she had just found out? Really?

Maybe it would for some of you but I don’t believe most of the replies I see on this thread would be in the same vein.

It must be amazing to have so little worry and stress in your life that you’re all bent out of shape over something that happened when you and your wife were 18 🙄.

To echo others, get over yourself. Your wife didn’t cheat and nor does she owe you a list of who she slept with when you weren’t together - best friend or not. Demanding that you should know this is controlling and creepy.

Oh ffs grow up. He absolutely has a right to know that people he trusted have been keeping a massive secret from him. I would bet money on the fact that if a woman had posted this everyone would be saying her dh is a liar and her friend is a bitch. Why is there so much man hating on here? Just because he is struggling with 26 years of betrayal that doesn’t mean he thinks she’s his property. Anyone would feel the same.

You dumped her. This was a long time ago and you are owed no explanations, except perhaps why he decided to tell you after all this time.(???) I understand your feeling of shock, but ending the families close ties is cutting off your nose to spite your face, it's not only you involved but all your children. Give yourself time to get this into perspective and don't act too hastily. Did your wife know that he was planning to tell you? You are unreasonable to think that anyone is accountable for their actions in these circumstances, you were all teenagers for goodness sake!

Yeah, they chose to lie to protect themselves, not me!!

I mean, I wonder how many more lies they’re hiding.

At the very least, they took away my ability to make my own choices about my life. I feel betrayed on so many levels.

Ok then he owes her nothing now when he divorces her and takes the kids.

This is very common among teenagers and students

your male pride has taken a hit. Perhaps reframe it as ‘you won?’

id be ditching the best friend tho. He’s stirring things for some reason. Perhaps needed an ego boost or to relive his early years. Whatever his reason he isn’t your friend

Maybe your relationships aren't as perfect as you think they are if this your reaction 40 years after the event. What would it have been like then.

He has zero right to demand his wife goes to counselling. If i was her I would be reconsidering whether I wanted to stay married though. He is acting like she is his property.

I think it’s very odd that he decided to tell you now. Why ? Does his wife know ? Did he tell your wife that he was going to tell you ?

If your friend and your wife didn’t tell you at the time, then it should have remained unsaid. I can see how it might change the dynamic of the friendship now. How did he know that your wife hadn’t told you over the years, did they have a prior conversation about him telling you ? It’s very strange to tell you now. Is he happy in is marriage ?

If you’re for real, you are being ridiculous.

You are not over-reacting at all. The issue here is not that 2 teenagers had a bit of a fling but that your "best friend" suddenly felt the need to tell you about this. What motivated him? Was he drunk? Is he jealous of you in some way and wanted to cause you pain?

He knew full well that this is a big revelation in your scenario - not just in relation to your wife but to the whole close social relationship that you all have, especially between your respective children. He knew it would upset you.

Is there some problem in his life/marriage that might have triggered this revelation?

She didn’t cheat.
However I’d feel exactly the same way about it having been kept secret.
Why did he choose now to tell you? I think you need to ask him that.
I completely sympathise with you that you’ll feel everything has been a lie. I don’t know how to advise you to get past it. I’m not sure I could.

Your feelings are valid. The best friend thing is the killer, similar to sleeping with your brother or her sister when you were broken up. I think it would be hard to trust either of them again and you probably think they were secretly laughing at you through the years with this little secret. Your best friend slept with your ex girl friend, bad friend. You got back together and they both kept it secret for decades and socialised like nothing happened (hopefully, you will never know), bad partner.