AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Your first post gives her age as 6.

What was he like when you were dating? I bet he was okay being a partner over a parent then eh?

Your problem is with DP,he wants a nanny for his daughter not a new wife,he does not seem to regard you as having a relationship except where it takes his daughter off his hands.
I would seriously reconsider your relationship,because if you love DP more than DSD you are heading for heartbreak ,because DP clearly does not love you,he is using you.

Your problem is with DP,he wants a nanny for his daughter not a new wife,he does not seem to regard you as having a relationship except where it takes his daughter off his hands.
I would seriously reconsider your relationship,because if you love DP more than DSD you are heading for heartbreak ,because DP clearly does not love you,he is using you.

It gets more insane on here by the day with people trying to police threads. Just ignore them.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. What do you get out of the relationship? Is it worth staying? It sounds like a lot of hard work and angst for nothing.

I need to love his daughter more than him

What?? He has a very convenient way of framing it so he gets what he wants and you do some parenting for him. He doesn't seem to want to have quality time with just you. What does that tell you?

Nanny with a fanny!

I had one of these. He complained on our honeymoon that we were away too long (2weeks!)

He's talking bollocks OP. Though your friends with kids have also told you that he is talking bollocks, so why don't you believe them?

Your own partner has effectively told you that he is not bothered about spending any quality alone time with you ever again, and alsp tried to manipulate you into believing thats completely normal and you should be happy with that. Even biological parents who absolutely love their kids more than anyone else in the world, need some time with their partner. In fact all relationships need some one on one time.

I'd consider my marriage dead if my husband said that he'd be prioritising his friends over me whenever we had some child free time.

And the loving his child more than anyone else thing is batshit.

• She has two parents
• You can never instruct another person in how they 'should' feel
• If you loved her in the exact same way a parent would, what would that mean if you were to split up, would he expect you to fight him through the courts for access in the same way that a biological parent would?

Sorry I think your relationship might be over if he doesn't actually want to spend any one on one quality time with you. It's difficult because you could tell him this but I'd be worried then he'd be spending time with you because you're making him, not because he wants to

He's manipulating you to justify putting time out with his mates above you.

Think very carefully whether you want to continue this relationship, it's a deeply devious thing for him to do.

Next time, if you decide to let him have a next time, remind him that parents have date nights too.

Your opinion is fine imo. If you loved his dd more then that would be weird.

I know you think that he’s a good dad but this argument suggests that he sees you as the nanny with a fanny. You shouldn’t be neglecting your friendships and Yanbu to want couple time on a child free night. You sound like a kind and warm stepmother but I think that your partner sees you as stepmother over the woman he fell in love with back when you started going out.

"i know when you get in a relationship with a man with a child you have to know that you come second, I am totally fine with that. "
You aren't coming second, you're coming 3rd, because he feels his time with his friends is more important than his time with you.

If he doesn’t offload care to you why do you always need to be around when he has her ?

yes I agree he needs to see his friends sometimes. But so do you but you also need some together /romance time and seems weird he doesn’t want that

how often if she with you /with her mum

This!

You have literally said in your first paragraph of your OP that your stepdaughter is 6?!

Basically.
DO NOT stand for it OP.
for him it should go : daughter, YOU, friends
nanny with a fanny.

the life of a step mum is hard, do not waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t respect you and yet wants you to mother his child. That gets him out of being 100% dad when daughter is there

@SlightlyTremulous thanks for the link. I was also thinking this post sounded similar to one a while back. To the OP, even if it is not you please read through the linked post as it seems so similar to your situation. Good luck.

You appear to be right down the pecking order here. He needs binning.

He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter

Oh my God OP. RUN!!!!

I'm afraid there are many cheeky fucker, entitled parents out there that are on the look-out for kind hearted (preferably childless / childfree) people to use as a free childcare. This is despite the fact that those people have zero legal access rights to that child and will probably never see that child again in the event of a breakup (which as you can imagine, might be distressing for that person and child).

I'm personally not interested in dating a parent, but if I did, I wouldn't be doing ANY step-parenting until married. Furthermore, unless you're willing to give that person official guardianship of a child, you should not be expecting them to provide free childcare.

He's identified you as one of those people that is willing to do all that free parenting whilst getting NOTHING, not even marriage, in return.

You are not her mother OP, but he's thoroughly shoe-horning you and guilt-tripping you into that role.

YOU ARE BEING USED FOR FREE LABOUR.

Why would your partner want to spend quality time with the nanny or a household appliance? Which is how he thinks of you I'm afraid.

So he can see his friends, but you can't? What a tosser, basically! He wants a childminder, essentially.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt
He wants you to end up completely caring for his child
Whilst he gets away with doing whatever/whenever he fancies
Its obvious that you're lovely and caring with/for his child
But
I honestly think unless he has a personality transplant, he's never going to change
So partner-wise I think you should

What would happen if you stopped doing all the things you do for his DD? Stopped school drop offs and pick ups, outings, making birthdays and Christmas special etc
You say you do those things because you want to, but what is her own parent doing?

Would he do the drop offs and pick ups, make Christmas special for her etc??

He's definitely using you or at least allowing you to do HIS job of parenting.

Stop and see what his attitude is. Then you'll have your answer.

I’m normally the first person to get frustrated when people get into a relationship with children and don’t understand the ramifications of what coming as a package means, but you could not do any more than what you are already doing. And he is being insane to expect you to love her more than you love him (although if he carries on like this, it’s a possibility for the future). His expectations are completely unrealistic.

Honestly? I think this is the time to think of yourself. Treat yourself like your own daughter.

It is important that this man invests in you as well as his child and his friends. The answer should not be that you come before the dog (if you have one) in the order of importance.

I am not sure how old you are. I suspect late twenties to mid thirties but I could be wrong.

Make some fun plans with friends because it sounds as though you don’t have a lot of fun with this man. Go away for a few days with a friend to somewhere random. Make a point of talking to everyone that you meet, even if you feel shy. Take up running - maybe join a running club or do parkrun (and go to the coffee afterwards). It should be clear that you have things in your life other than this man.

Have a really matter of fact, unemotional conversation with him. You need him to invest in you and your relationship. You do love the child - and you are very kind to her - but you do not have any parental rights. He is not meeting your needs and you are losing interest in him. If you split up, you will not see her any more. It’s really important to not exaggerate or get upset - pretend to be an English speaking German / Dutch / Swedish person.

Bear in mind that if you leave him, he will have to find another woman and convince her that he is in love with her before he gets the sort of help you give him.

I couldn't be with someone like that. Assuming this is the full story, his response to you is weird. It doesn't sound like he wants to be romantic with you and might be using Fridays for time with someone else.

Sorry but my reasoning is A) he literally told you he doesn't want any date nights with you - that's unacceptable. B) his excuse that you should love someone else's child more than your partner is biologically improbable but also: not relevant to the discussion. As you say: you're not asking him to choose between you and his daughter, you're asking him to choose you over his 'friends'.

Suggest 50/50 and see what his excuse is. So half of Fridays with friends and the other half on date nights. Or suggest you join him / do things with other couples. See how he responds.

I'd start making plans to leave though.

You said in your first post she was 6 though?