AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Exactly this. It's also strange that he'd prefer to see his friends over spending one on one time with you on a consistent basis. He sounds like a user, sorry.

I have been married over 40 years. We still have date nights every week. Your DP is a selfish cunt. You sound lovely, get out and find someone who appreciates you.

Even if you and your partner had your own child, you should still be able to have date nights from time to time away from the children.

He's using you. Do yourself a favour and leave.

No, I would never expect my partner to step into this role, they have a Dad, my partner is there for me. Obviously there are times we spend together as a family but it’s different to asking a partner to step into a parent role which in my opinion is out of order.

Fuck that. I can’t believe the shit women put up with. I was adamant I wasn’t going to settle down with a man that had kids and reading things like this, I’m so glad I didn’t.

He sounds awful. He sees you as free childcare. And that's it really.

This. Wake up OP.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt , He is a good dad, He may well be but he's a shit partner.

Unfortunately he is very selfish. He is looking for a stepmum and not a partner. It wont improve.

I’m so very sad for you op that you can’t see that this man is awful. Are you a people pleaser? You have spoken to your friends who have told you he’s awful. Ditto strangers on mumsnet. If you still don’t understand, I wonder if a counsellor would help for you to understand your worth? Women with healthy boundaries would absolutely still be seeing friends when his dd is around. Decent men would be prioritising you when their dd isn’t around. He is gas lighting you and you’ve fallen for it. He is not a good man.

oh I missed that he doesn't like you seeing your friends at weekends. (But he wants to spend fridays with his ..)

It's just weird that he's said you should love his daughter more than you love him. She isn't your daughter and, as pp say, its just different, not comparable at all.

I do think you need to walk away from this .

It's totally obvious that the little girl IS the priority of OP and her partner when all three of them are together - even though OP could quite reasonably go out and leave "doting daddy" to it.
So it's perfectly understandable that OP wants to be - thoroughly DESERVES to be - the centre of her partner's attention when the kiddie isn't around.

op, he doesn’t want to prioritise you. When he thinks of what he wants to do on a child free night it’s his friends, not you. And he makes this your fault instead of him being a selfish fucker. Tell him all good relationships prioritise each other and if he doesn’t want to try and make time to spend with you as a couple then he wants a nanny not a partner and you need to find someone who loves you. Which is not him.

No one dictates to me the order in which I have to love people.

He needs you. But he needs you for his daughter, not himself. Imagine weekends if you weren’t there. He would have to solely manage the food shopping, cooking, bedtime stories, school runs, days out. Having you takes away all that hassle for him.

You’re being used. When it’s just you and him, he fucks off out with his friends.

Let it all sink in. Like you said, you’re not even her stepmother, he wants you to love her more than anything. But he’s not suggested marriage I bet. You’ve got to love his daughter like a stepmother, and yet he’s not done the one thing that actually makes you a stepmother. You’re just this little girl’s, Dad’s, current girlfriend.

You only love her because you love him. If pi and he split up, she’d not be in your life. I don’t understand his thinking.

He wants you to love her like a parent. But you are not a parent. If you and your partner split up you would never see his daughter again. Do you get or does he think that you should get equal say over his daughter while she is with you?

His daughter should be your number one priority. Yeah right

His priority should be:

1. His daughter
2. You
3. Other people

You obviously understand his daughter comes first, and the fact that you've posted you know you should come next. He's putting you last, and he's told you his friends come above you. This isn't a, I haven't seen my mates for ages and I need to have a range of relationships, this is a, I don't see spending quality time with you as fulfilling or worthwhile.

If he doesn't understand that isn't ok, then this is not a long-term relationship that's worth sticking around for.

I don't think he is a good dad when he's weaponising his daughter to use against his partner.

This is not me. I don’t know how to prove it, but you can report if you want to. It’s a different poster. My stepdaughter is younger than 6

He’s got a fucking nerve, complaining to you about what sounds to me like first-class care on your part.

This!⬆️
He’s started attacking you for not loving his daughter enough (completely irrelevant), to deflect from the fact that he puts his friends before you when his daughter is not around for you to help him with.

Leaving his dd out of it for a moment, you’ve asked for some 1:1 time with him, as time is scarce. He’s told you very plainly that he’d rather spend that scarce time with the his mates.
But apparently that should be fine as you’re good enough to help him out with parenting on his weekends.
I would be kicking this one to the kerb.

Erm, this is all just because he wants to go out with his mates on a Friday. He prefers going out with them.All the other stuff about his daughter is just an excuse.
He’s happy to have you around playing happy families, but isn’t going to put effort into you as a person or the bond between you.
He’s telling you this very clearly- are you listening and if so, are you happy to accept that is how your life will be?