AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Firstly, it’s not a competition. Whether you have a child or a stepchild, that’s a different kind of love to a romantic love. You don’t need to love sd more or less than her dad.
Secondly, of course you need to nurture your romantic relationship too. Again, irrelevant of the labels involved, parenting is hard. It’s hard for typical bio mum & dad couples to make time to just be a couple. Of course there are periods where parenting takes precedent, but this is the kind of thing that often breaks a couple. You have that time, of course you should be taking it. Friends are important too, you have to try and make time for both.
It sounds like he just wants you there as a mum figure. You deserve better.

Your partner has unrealistic expectations about your relationship with his daughter. He should be happy that you love his daughter and enjoy being in her company. However, you aren't her mother and he shouldn't expect you to behave as though you are her mother. That is disrespectful to you and your step-daughter's mum.

What is his relationship with his ex like? Are they amicable and do they co-parent well? Who ended the relationship?

He seems to want you to take her mum's place and that rings alarm bells with me.

He wants a nanny with benefits. He isn't prepared to invest in your relationship. This will not end well.

You are not a parent and you don't have to sacrifice your own needs on the altar of your partner's parenthood. He is using you and you deserve so much better.

Honestly, I think the kindest thing that you can do for your dsd at this point is to get out of her life now before she gets too strongly attached.

God i would leave him and start prioritising seeing your own friends. In no certain terms would I be in a relationship of this kind.

You really don’t need this set up, it’s just unfortunate that you wasted so long trying to nurture the relationship.

I cant believe what i just read! I also just saw 'he's just not that into you' last night which might lead into this, but he's got someone who does everything for him and his child, there's no commitment from him so he could leave at any point and he doesn't appear to want to get close to you in any other capacity than childcare. At least he's told you the truth.
You seem like a good person, so you need to let that little girl know that, whatever happens, you love her and shes always able to come to you even if one day you're not with her dad. She's the innocent party and she needs protection from thinking it's her fault.

Hang on a minute - he’s saying that you need to take care of dsd so that he can go out with his mates, but when you want adult time, that’s not allowed?

How does that work? Have you put this double standard to him?

He sounds very manipulative.

SO MANY men with children expect their partners to take on the mother role (and in their minds that's not 50% of the parenting, it's more!) and that's NOT your job. I am a step mum and parenting the step kids is HIS responsibility. I'll help and support when needed, I do plenty to support him but they aren't my children, they have two parents already.

He can't even be bothered to take you out when he doesn't have his daughter, he would rather be with his friends.

He's guilting you to be a better bangmaidnanny so he can spend time with his friends rather than parent or spend time with you. Your life is restricted to he and his daughter.

I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

He's isolated you from your friends. This is a controlling man who expects any free time to be devoted to he and his daughter. Do you have family nearby that you get to see?

You're being used by a controlling man.

OP, you are obviously intelligent, so I can only assume you have ended up in a relationship with a man who sees your primary role as a caregiver for his daughter through gradual conditioning, like a frog in water that’s gradually being heated to boiling point.

Please do not sacrifice time with your friends and family, your career, your hobbies, your precious weekend time for this man and his child. If you split, you will never see her again.

He is prioritising his friends over you. And should your DSD ever live with on weekends, he will expect you to babysit whilst he goes out.

What tends to happen when the male partner becomes moody and belligerent is that the woman feels slightly nervous/ off balance/ threatened. Her knee jerkreaction is then to try and appease him by doing more and more to please him.
The man then learns that if he is moody and belligerent the woman becomes more obedient.
It's difficult for you to properly understand what's going on op because you are trapped in the situation.

Absolutely this. And if I’m right about the OP having posted about this under a different name very recently, she’s doing the vast majority of the childcare (far more than either parent) for this child, working from home in order to do so, while her partner works shifts, so the adults seldom see one another anyway. The ‘nanny with a fanny’ set up was even more obvious.

He could take his daughter with him when he sees hisnfriends and then he'd have more time to spend with you alone.

He prioritises friends over you when you prioritise him & DD over your friends.

Sounds like he wants a nanny, not a romantic partner.

I would be leaving pretty quickly.

I reckon @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt is confused by the fact that he’s not dumping her with the child and going off with his mates on the contact weekend. So in that respect he’s not just using her as a babysitter. HOWEVER, he is using her as a parenting lead so that his contact weekends are a lot easier for him. OP is the one planning lovely days for the family and providing all the emotional support. If he didn’t have her around on these days then his job as a parent would be waaaaay harder and way more stressful. He would have to think of what to do, plan it and then execute the plan.
He’s not just buggering off and leaving her to it …..but he’s letting her do a disproportionate share.
Then on his non contact weekends, he doesn’t need OP and is off being ‘free’.

And when she's at her mum's, hes out with his friends. His actually being quite open about how he is using you.

This reeks of abuse & control - isolating you from friends, family, your hobbies etc.

If you try and discuss this with him op you won't get anywhere. Any hint that you are not willing to comply with his wishes will make him feel angry at the thought of losing his freedom and free time. He will then try to oppress and dominate you in some way so that you comply.

Nonsense. Her actual father thinks it's OK to have time off with his friends without either his partner or his daughter, doesn't he? All the OP is asking for is time as a couple when her DSD is with her mother, which sounds eminently reasonable.

That’s crazy

if this was your biological daughter and you wanted to have a romantic couple’s night when you had a night free from childcare that would be totally healthy and normal

he’s not valuing you outside of your role as a stepmother

It seems that he expects you to love her like a mother. The trouble is she already has a mother, and your DP is misunderstanding what a step-parent’s role should be, and quite probably wilfully misunderstanding in an attempt to control you. He is absolutely fucking this up, and you should get out before you get drawn in deeper than you already are. This will definitely not get better if you marry him and have children of your own.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

Of course you would come second - but that’s not the issue here.

You’re coming below second because he’s putting his friends above you.

Yes his child free time is the main time he can see his friends but it’s also the main time to spend quality time with you and so he needs to balance it out.

If he just wants to see his child and then on his child-free days see his friends, what’s the point in being in a relationship.

When my DC were growing up I didn’t date because on my rare child free nights I wanted to see my friends and so I didn’t have the time for a man in my life and it wouldn’t have been fair to string one along.

He just wants you to shut up about him not wanting to spend time with you. All the stuff about how much you love his DD is all intended to dulistract you frim the fact that he doesn't want to spend time with you when his DD isn't around. THAT is the real issue.

You realise he'll dump you once his daughter is older?

You need to turn it back on him.

The message is loud and clear his daughter comes first, his friends second and you behind that.

Yes exactly and this man is likely to take the same attitude if/ when the OP has bio children with him. The issue isn’t that the DSD is a DSD - it’s about him wanting to spend time with his friends but not bothering to make time for the OP.