AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

What does he do when he is working and needs to travel 🧐 take it off as leave or does she go alone then?

So he has opted out of parenting? What a d!ck. say No he has to make alternative arrangements for his days and see what he says. Bet your glad he’s an Ex

Its a bit needy of her but tbh this a lot of notice and these things happen. Keep a note though.

It's possible your ex's wife has anxiety that stops her from travelling alone with her job. However, you'd have to question why someone with such severe anxiety to travelling alone, would apply and accept a job, that requires her to travel extensively??!!!

When put in the above context, it seems rather odd at best and a load of old nonsense at worst! I'd bet money on your ex's wife having absolutely no issue travelling alone. I rather think that it's a case of your ex being able to travel with his wife, with her employer footing the accommodation bill (at least) and he gets mini breaks away!

In other words OP, your ex is using his wife as an excuse to get out of parenting his children. I'd also bet that his wife isn't aware she's being used as a scapegoat and that he should be looking after his children over all those days!!

But it's not "childcare", it's shared parenting? I've been doing 50/50 with my ex-husband for 5 years very peacefully, if we need to change schedules for travelling, we arrange the days so that it's still 50/50. That's not what this sounds like, it's just less time with the kids? Especially for the half term, does he expect you to just magic more annual leave? This is definitely strange.

I would be replying that it's simply not possible, both because they are his responsibility on those dates and that they would feel replaced and devastated if he reduced his time with them, especially to prioritise someone else.

Can't he take them with him? Make it a big adventure.

I would assume shes going to nice countries/places and he wants to go with her...

Can he have the children different weekends? And yes, I agree he should organise and pay for a club/whatever during October half term.

He can take the kids on the mini breaks he's going on with his wife.

You don't think it's strange she can't travel alone for work?

She shouldn't really take a job if she's scared to do it, to the point she needs her ex there.
But it depends what happened-if she broke up the family, she has a nerve expecting him to be her knight, and expect you to do solo childcare.
If he broke up the family and abandoned her, then yes, this is the least her can so.

That is very unfair on your children and sends them an awful message about their dad’s priorities I’m afraid. His wife is an idiot for accepting a job she’s too scared to do. I’ve never heard the like!

Presumably she will not be working every hour?
Your ex might be using "her anxiety" as an excuse so to cover, so he can have some weekends away.

She won’t travel alone - bullshit. He just wants to get a holiday out of it while the hotel is paid for by her company.

I'd be surprised if her work were happy with this. My husband has travelled all over the world with his job but I'm not allowed to go with him even if he's away for several weeks.

It is not childcare, it is parenting and he should not just opt out like that in favour of his current partner who is an adult so fully capable of travelling on her own or she should not have taken the job. I would be cross and letting him know that but ultimately you cannot make him take the children but he should explain to his kids why he won't be seeing them over half term although why he cannot take them with him I do not know unless this is an outright pack of lies and they are using the wifes work trips to subsidise holidays for themselves. I would lean towards this being a complete pack of lies as why would she have to travel and work weekends.

The reason behind it is irrelevant and shouldn't be up to you to validate, however, your ex needs to consider how this new arrangement is going to work longterm if at all.

Two daughters 13 and 14. Seperated 2 years after 20 years marriage.
Dad has 1 bedroom flat.
He sees the children Tuesday's 5-7 for dinner where he pickes them up at my house, takes them to his, feeds them and then brings them back. Friday night picks them up between 5/6pm, feeds them, has them over night and brings them back very latest ever saturday lunchtime for lunch.
Last 2 times he has said not doing this anymore as girls are arguing. Youngest sleeps in his bed in bedroom, eldest sleeps on sofa bed in front room and he sleeps on blow up bed on the floor.
He says his flat is not suitable for this. He shouldn't be sleeping on the floor.
I feel he doesnt have them anywhere near enough, also doesn't pay maintenance even though works full time because 'I get the benefits for having the children.'
I feel like lots of excuses and also I deserve a decent 24hrs minimum to myself.
AIBU?

@Cyclingmummy1 at the time we had his children every weekend so yes I did encourage him to. He’s allowed a weekend free as well.

I would lose all respect for that woman and would be seriously questioning her abilities as a step mother. If she can't cope with her own job and life then she can't be expected to cope with children. I know childcare isn't her responsibility as such, but it calls into question how capable is he of minding DC when he has a partner who also needs minding and what happens if he needs to pop out, is she able to cope when alone with them. I would put that to him, more subtly of course. If he has been just making this up and is enjoying child free weekends away then you'll be calling his bluff a bit.

This is a HE problem, not a new partner problem.

My bet is that she is capable of traveling alone - but he doesn't want to parent without her support so is turning an invitation/minor comment from her into the big reason why he can't parent his children - and he can sounds reasonable to himself, that he does it to suppport his partner, not to run away from his children.

Focus on that - you can be somehow flexible, but he needs to parent his children.

He’s not cancelling childcare, he’s cancelling parenting - you can’t cancel parenting. It’s not optional, whether you have a spineless wife or not

What do you mean he cancelled chacare? Had he arranged childcare for the October mid term that he has now cancelled?

his time with them isn’t childcare - it’s parenting. He should arrange and pay for childcare for his time if he needs it.

it is sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his children and odd that his wife can’t travel alone, but took a job that involves travel.

Couple of other posters have nailed it, he can take the kids with him for half term at least. If travel anxious wife who has inexplicably taken a job that requires extensive travel will be working the whole time it's a lovely opportunity to spend some quality time with his children.