AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

I think I'd message back to say, 'The children are going to be extremely upset, particularly about half term, which they were expecting to spend with you. Is there a specific reason Anna needs to take priority over them at this point? I will leave it to you to explain this to them'.

I'd be pissed off that he thinks he gets to unilaterally make this decision when it affects you and the children.

It seems very strange on her part although it's not our place to speculate.
He's choosing her over his kids in this scenario because she's the one he lives with and she'll no doubt have certain expectations of him. In my experience it's better not to rock the boat, however annoying and unfair it seems. Infuriating for you and sad for the kids but this is one of the hazards of being the resident parent/the child of divorced parents.

I grew up being fed the ‘don’t rock the boat’ mantra. Sometimes standing up for yourself and your children is the right thing to do.

Here we have a man shirking his parenting responsibilities and hurting his children.

While OP can’t force him to see his children, she can point out how hurtful this is for the children, and damaging to their relationship and emotional development.

I did say 'in my experience'. And what I experienced was: whenever I pointed out to my ex that he was failing to spend his agreed time with his kids, he'd tell me to be quiet or he wouldn't see them at all. Hopefully OP's ex is a lot more reasonable.

But if that's the arrangement, that's the arrangement.

Not your job to be the emotional support animal for your ex-husband‘s new wife

he needs to sort the childcare out on his own during his time that’s it

Why take a job that involves alot of travelling if shes scared to travel alone like im scared of spiders I wouldn't take a job that involved them , very odd .
His children should be his priority his wife's a grown ass woman or is it a case of HE doesn't want her going on business trips alone ?

Why don’t you ask again if he can switch these dates? I think it’s unreasonable to ask you to take on so many additional dates, but I don’t think it’s unusual to expect some form of flexibility. It’s better to try to keep things civil, especially if you have a good coparenting relationship. His wife is part of your children’s family (step mum) and he is in a hard place to keep both his wife and his kids happy. I’m sure there may come a time where you wish to have some flexibility with dates so this could also help you in the future.

His wife’s anxiety is not your business .
Him taking care of his kids is your business and this is what he should do
He cannot unilaterally decide that he can’t take the kids .

Absolutely

After reading many threads, it did occur to me:
Is there a chance that she was doing most of the childcare while he was out at the gym? Resentment built up over time, and she decided to change some things in her life. Instead of him stepping up as a parent, he decided to follow her…

Send him the number for a 24/7 nanny agency or offer to provide childcare at market rates.

It’s odd yes. She may have some health issues (that’s completely fine for him to not disclose obviously). I would ask if everything is ok.

’hi ex, that’s fine - I am pleased to have the extra time with them. Is everything ok though? It is very out of character for you to miss out on time with them and I know they will be disappointed not to see you over the holidays’

Are they using theses trips for mini holidays? Before we had kids I would travel with my now husband? Just a few nights away different country. I do my own thing around his work schedule!

I wasn’t working though and we had no dog/ kids to be home for :)

Yes very weird. My employer wouldn’t be impressed with me taking my husband along on every work trip, they’d consider it unsustainable.

That's really shit of him and will be so upsetting for your children. Will you tell them the truth? Has he said why he can't he take the kids with him over half term?

This is my thought it's not that she won't travel alone it's that he doesn't want to look after his children alone and she probably does at least a significant amount of things for the children. I would find it difficult to believe that someone who doesn't want to travel alone would apply for a job that requires travelling .It is well and good in saying he wants to support her but he needs to support his children first .

I'd be asking him (gently).... Is this going to be continual, or is it just to get her through a particular difficult time?

Also, I'd gently remind him that it's really important that he spends as much time as he can with his children, both for their current attachment and his future relationship with them.

his children, should be his priority.

Of that he doesnt trust her on work trips alone