AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

Why would you take a job that involved travel if you won’t travel alone? Seems bizarre.

If this was a permanent thing then I would push back, but you say it initially involves a lot of travel suggesting it won’t continue this way? I would clarify that with your ex as it’s really not fair if it turns into a more permanent set up.

Maybe the kids like spending time with him as well and don’t want to be shipped off to a holiday club.

Very strange why she would take the job if she is too anxious to travel alone. The conversation should’ve been well I can’t take the job because I don’t want to travel alone and you’ve got the children.

The children should come first

I have no idea why you are focused on your ex's wife and why she won't travel alone. It's none of your business and who cares? Try to deal with the problem at hand which is your ex and his flakiness around child care. You can't make him have the children so you will probably need to get used to the new normal. What you will need to do though is adjust finances to reflect the new normal. He needs to pay more to cover your increased costs.

I would hazard a guess that he's going for the free mini-break and it isn't actually to do with her fears of travelling alone.

Can you not swap weekends?
Also get him to sort and pay for at holiday camp for the October half-term.

It's shit, but you can't force someone to take their kids.

That’s crap of both of them

Why take a job that involves travel if it gives you anxiety… but to then insist your partner/ husband misses seeing his kids is plain selfish.

He is clearly choosing his wife … his kids might not see it now that they were second choice but they may do one day!!!

And tough on you as I’m guessing you don’t have as much down time during holidays now

How is that relevant?

That’s really crap. Why is his adult wife’s rather unusual need for travel support - in a job she chose to take!! - more important than his kids’ need to see their father?

It isn’t just a childcare issue - as you say, they will miss him. I would be adding up how much he actually will see them between Sep and Christmas- assume not a lot? - and would be laying on the guilt thickly. There isn’t a lot else you can do unfortunately.

Very disappointing from him.

It’s ridiculous that he’s decided that’s a solution.

If he is needed for the travel then his responsibilities to his children should have been a consideration in taking the job.

It says it all that he thinks it’s ok to just let you know that he can’t do those dates. Shit parenting on his part.

No

It's ridiculous. Who takes a job that they can't do unless accompanied by their husband. What parent stops half their time with their DC to help their spouse travel to work. Very strange. A mother wouldn't get away with it.

I wonder if the actual issue is that she normally does a lot of/all of the grunt work when he has the kids?

You mention she has anxiety and maybe she’s trying to get over it and he’s being supportive.

It’s plenty of notice. Sounds like you have a good relationship, can you just agree alternative days so the kids don’t miss out?

they will miss him. I would be adding up how much he actually will see them between Sep and Christmas- assume not a lot? - and would be laying on the guilt thickly.

That. And I'd make it clear that you're highly disappointed that he's putting them last and prioritising what seems entirely unnecessary trips.

I wouldn’t just accept this. You have to push back. I would say…

Are you serious? So you can’t have them for the whole of half term? So all of those 10 days? The kids will be so upset at this. Is Sophie ok? I hope she’s not unwell? What do you mean she can’t travel alone? I don’t really understand what’s happening here. Sophie gets a new job and that is impacting your job, my job, and our children. Sounds like my life is going to be quite different from now on and will have a lot more childcare to sort. I can’t believe I’m suggesting this for a woman of aged 35, but can’t she take her Mum on a couple of the trips? Why can’t she go alone? Sorry Mike, but this is all really odd. Can we discuss this properly face to face, I feel I’m being done over here.

Seems very odd that she takes a job that requires a lot of travel but she doesn't travel alone. I wonder if she told them that before she took the job. She must be shit hot at what she does if the company are prepared to pay for a chaperone for her.

Can you ask your ex to sort childcare for when he is meant to have them? Or are you happy to have them?
It doesn't seem right that he can unilaterally say he can't have them without offering an alternative.

That is terrible. He should work this out around his existing responsibilities to his children.

Not the point, but will your DH be forking out for his own travel on these trips or will her company be paying for flights for them both?? Either way it’s a big old cost.

Dh used to go to conferences and a lot of the people in his work payed for partners to go. We had young kids so I decided not to but it’s not unusual and I wouldn’t say she’s insecure just would like him either her because travelling can be a faff. Don’t overthink it just figure out what you can or can do

This isn't much notice at all. At my workplace all the holiday for October half term was booked off months ago!

If this is true she is a big old wet lettuce but he's an enabler. I am inclined to think he wants some free holiday accomms though. I have done this pre-kids - paid for flights to LA for example and stayed with DH in his room.

I’d say you could cover the weekends but half term is not on. That the children want to see him and are losing out here. Make it his problem: don’t enable her.