AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

not Really your business as to his and his partners relationship but I would say that either you readjust the arrangement as clearly his wife is more important than his kids or tell him he needs to find alternative childcare in his weekends etc. Don’t need to be personal about it but he doesn’t get to tell you what he can do and not do and expect you to be fine with it and do as you are told

Put your foot down. This is setting a precedent.

Unless she is starting a new job in January this is going to become the norm.

This is clearly not a suitable job for her if she needs someone to hold her hand to attend it.

Are you her ex-husband?! What a weird response.

Whats this got to do with you? If they’re his weeks/weekends then it’s his problem to solve. If he is asking if you can help him then I guess you can decide if that’s possible or not.

I call bullshit.

No one in their right mind takes on a new job involving lots of travel when they have significant anxiety about travelling. It would be like me taking a job involving a dentists!

Something else is going on here.

I would push back with a “I appreciate that there is a lot of change going on with the new job. But, this does not need to impact the children to this great extent. We can review the odd weekend if needed. The children are with you for October half term. Will you be needing their passports?”

I have a very strong feeling that if you pushback, more info will come to light. I’d put good money on a pregnancy or they are heading for the rocks and she doesn’t trust him to be at home while she is away.

Oh and he is not cancelling childcare. He is cancelling his parenting duties.

This. Thank him for letting you know and ask has he told the children what arrangements he's put in place.

So as she’s away he doesn’t want to look after them ?

possibly. Is he usually an attentive dad @wontTravelbyherself

Would you honestly encourage your husband to let his children down becaue you fancy doing something 'together'?

What's frightening about this thread is the number of people who immediately jumped to money and/childcare as their first response. The most important issue here is neither of things, it's the children. Imagine, as a child, learning that your own father is prioritising a fully grown woman over you. Adjusting to post-divorce life is difficult enough for kids but to then have their routine thrown out again is potentially very damaging for them. Sod the money and the childcare, I would be going into this discussion leading with the impact on his kids first.

Nice to be able to opt out of being a parent when it's inconvenient.

I'd imagine he's lying about her not being able to travel alone.
If that was the case she wouldn't do a job that required lots of travel.

He's just bullshitting you to get out of his responsibilities. And blaming it on his wife.

“I’m supporting my wife, she can’t travel alone” is spinning it in a way that he likely thinks sounds noble, and will be better received over “I’m joining my wife on a childfree mini break”.

It’s also throwing her right under the bus by redirecting your ire towards her.

why are you sorting it, though? he needs to sort it.

I've only read the first two pages but I'm AMAZED at the number of posters saying it's normal/understandable to expect your DH to come on all work trips.

I can only assume they've not had jobs with overnights because taken at face value, it really is very weird, especially as he's not working to facilitate it.

Anyway, yeah, tell him it's his issue to sort, not yours. He's supposed to be parenting, it's not not optional childcare. Also weird that he apparently hasn't realised that.

Is he the jealous type? Is he the one who wants to go with her, but he's telling you she needs him to go with her?

It's very odd for a person to ditch their job and children for days at a time, repeatedly, so be another adult's human support animal.

Tell him that you are also going travelling with a new partner, so unfortunately won’t be available to do his share of the parenting on those dates. You pre-booked your travels for when it’s his time with the children.

Did you even read her post?

Sounds odd - I wondered if it might be IVF related?

Sorry I should have read what I had written before I posted. I had intended to write a post that reflects what you have just said. I clearly failed. Am so angry on behalf of these children.

Pretty mean to accept a job that you're going to need help with from a dad who has overlapping childcare responsibilities with the mum.
Particularly mean that no-one consulted the mum in THIS situation BEFORE the job was accepted.
Mum being treated as the default parent as is usually the case.

So sorry op your ex has thrown a surprise curve ball. Hopefully your shock turns into anger and you confront him. He thinks you're a mug and its okay to lie. Have you noticed how he's presented it as a done deal with NO compromise. I mean his wife supposedly professional but can't do her job without being hand held (poor wee thing) and just happens to be the weekends and the half term holiday he's meant to have your DC. What an amazing coincidence! Kick his butt op. The least he can do is tell the truth and step up to being the best dad to his DC

Can they not all travel together in the half term? Then he'd still be able to see them.
A 10 day business trip is a lot, especially for someone who doesn't want to travel alone. Sounds like a very odd set up to travel for entire weekends too.
Or is he just trying to avoid parenting solo if she's not there. He definitely needs to cover childcare costs for the school holidays.

Well he’s getting free accommodation when they travel for her work commitments.

@wontTravelbyherself
I'd say that his wife doesn't want your/his children having anything to do with him anymore and ties are being severed........