AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

It does seem a bit strange that she’d take a job involving lots of travel if she’s too anxious to travel alone. His excuse doesn’t really add up. It seems more likely that he’s insecure about her job and all the travelling, and is insisting on going with her. To me, the more believable explanation is that he’s either being controlling or doesn’t trust her.

They are his responsibility during those periods and he needs to find suitable child care, if he needs to negoiate with you, I'd probably OK the weekends but not half term, so he needs to change travel dates or send her alone.

He has form for cheating and she doesn’t trust him to stay home alone. At a guess.

Agree. It's a crappy thing to do. Which is why I am questioning his motives and the 'rationale' behind them.

I would absolutely ensure that he is the one to sit them down to explain, face to face why he won't be seeing them.

That's 3 poxy weekends the OP had reason to assume she would be childfree. She may have booked to go away, see a band, meet up with friends. She may have booked in overtime for work. She could be doing loads of stuff that is non refundable and which is not suitable for children.

Expecting your co parent to be flexible and manage emergencies or swaps with good notice is reasonable. Not offering a swap, not acknowledging it might be inconvenient, not offering to pay for childcare or other out of pocket expenses is not.

This is why coparenting breaks down - the expectation that the other parent will always step in. In an emergency, not a problem. But what should have happened here is that he came up with an alternative and then asked the OP if she wanted to take over herself or accept the alternative.

Well, he cares more about his neurotic unreasonable flaky wife than his DC. Good lord, what adult takes a job which involves travel and won't travel alone?

He will reap what he sows - his DC will realise in the next few years that they are not his priority and will eventually respond accordingly.

Sounds like he’s going to have some lovely cheap weekends / mini breaks.
So priorities are:
Wife
Work
Children

Don’t think it’s as catchy as Live, Love, Laugh but loads of blokes seem to live by it.

Edited because I can’t write sentences that make sense this morning

Maybe he just wants to go with her and that’s an excuse. What does it matter?

The new wife sounds like a wet blanket. I wouldn’t have this.

It matters because you can’t just walk away from parenting because it suits!

if he had said “we have this problem can you help by swapping any of the dates” that’s one thing. To say “I can’t look after my children when I should be” is another.

I would say ‘Noted. I hope you realise the dc will know this is a choice, make sure you explain it to them. I won’t be doing your dirty work for you.’

Show willing maybe if your on good terms, cover first weekend to allow time for them to sort rest of dates, he's properly just handing back parental responsibility to someone who already does their share!
If she's working and he's going to support her, he's got 8hrs a day perfect time to do something with kids they can easily take with them, if he's going?

Well if she can’t travel alone she shouldn’t have taken the job

It matters because he is letting his children down

Him and his new partner have plenty of child free days a month in which they can go on a trip that don't affect his time with his children

Why on earth did she take the job then? FFS, it’s one things for her to inconvenience herself, but this is impacting both the children and you. I would agree to sort things this time but be clear you can’t all be expected to continue changing your life plans continuously because of her job and insecurities. She’s caused this issue so she needs to resolve it in the long-term.

Why hasn't HE told his wife that his children come first? It has nothing to do with the new wife and everything to do with the children's father.
HE is responsible for childcare during this time. Not his current wife, not his ex-wife. It is up to him to sort out and it sounds very much like an excuse to get out of childcare.

Can you take extra time off to accommodate his travels?
If not, he needs to be sourcing some alternative childcare.

"Gosh, that sounds tricky. Who is going to have the kids on those days? Hope you manage to work it out!"

I would suggest he takes them with him for half term. He can pay for their flights etc. They can go out during the hours she is working.
What is he going to do while she is working anyway?

Are you taking his word for it that that's the reason he's going? Perhaps he wants to go she gets free travel for him he will enjoy it perhaps he doesn't trust her but she's pregnant and needs a bit of hope whatever it shouldn't affect on you and I think you should definitely apply relevant maintenance changes. Presumably you're going to have to pat for at least some childcare. This is an arrangement that affects you and should affect him financially even if morally he's managed to square it with himself. Christmas is off the table if he can't fulfill his obligations during the hard weeks he sure as shit wouldn't get the good days. Boxing Day and overnight that day but no more Christmas Eve or Christmas days if he's arbitrarily changing school holiday cover. What a wanker

Surely, he can take the kids with him. If I needed Dh to travel with me for work (and I don’t), Dh would surely be doing nothing all day, so while she is working, so he can have the children.

Realistically, taking a job that involves a lot of travel when you are afraid to travel 🙄 seems a bit stupid. They must be spending a significant amount of her additional earnings on him travelling with her, which defeats the point. Sounds to me like she probably does all the hard work with the kids and he doesn’t want to be left actually parenting while she is away.

YANBU if it's his time he needs to sort childcare not you. 'Oh sorry changing dates doesn't work for me except for the first weekend, hope you can get the childcare sorted ok, if not maybe DW can speak to her employer about not travelling in her role?'

I have literally no idea why some people are so pathetic that they have to drag their partner everywhere with them and can't travel alone (obviously NOT meaning people who have disabilities etc but more those who just refuse to stand on their own two feet). As you say, no problem at all if you are too anxious to travel but then don't take a job requiring loads of travel.

If that is the court approved agreement (and even if it isn’t) I would be telling him he will have to arrange childcare in his days. Why do men think they can pick up and down when it suits them?

Yes it’s shitty and really crap on the kids. I hope he’s planning on explaining why he is prioritising his wife to them and not leaving it to you!
I bet it’s nothing to do with not travelling alone. She’ll be staying in nice hotels, he gets a jolly out of it too and is picking and choosing when to work.
Not sure there’s a whole lot you can do other than talk to him and tell him you think the kids will be disappointed, he’s leaving the childcare arrangements to you over the October break (that’s the part that would piss me off the most) and he should be prioritising the children.
Is this court ordered contact?
He probably won’t take heed of what you say. At least it’s only temporary- hopefully!

If i were you, I would thank him for letting you know, but state that this impacts on the children and that it isnt fair to them, who were looking forwrad to spending half term with him, just because she has changed jobs, the children shouldn't suffer as a result, which they are. Could they go with him, if he is travelling with her? And if not, why not?