AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

He's lying- he just wants to go on paid mini breaks with her. I would def tell him that I don't believe for a second that his wife would apply for a job she's too anxious to perform on her own. Ask him how He's planning to make up the time with the children and that he needs to pay for holiday camp in October and extra maintenance for the week-ends.

It’s rubbish. His wife’s work issues shouldn’t become your childcare issues. And he shouldn’t be ‘telling you’, this should be part of a discussion.

The 3 weekends should be swapped with other weekends if possible, so the children still get to see their Dad. And he needs to sort out a half term holiday club if he can’t have them at at half term.

Definitely ask him to swap weekends that he sees them so the children are not missing their weekends with him and if he doesn't want to take the children with him for October half term then he needs to cough up for holiday club or arrange someone to look after them.

What I guess has gone on here:

Ex has the weekends off that he has DC. Wife's work comes with travel. DH only needs to pay for his own flights and food and will be able to stop in wife's room for free (work usually book a room and almost every hotel only has doubles as their standard room offer). I'm guessing these weekends are to some nice city destinations that would make for a nice weekend away. Wife has asked ex if he wants to come along and he has said yes.

Half term I'm guessing again is to somewhere that works as a holiday destination, possibly there for the whole half term but not working every single day but it's cheaper or less work for the company to fly them out as a group, get a group rate on rooms at the hotel and fly them all back. For longer trips especially over weekends some employers turn a blind eye to partners tagging along and stopping in the same room as long as partner buys own flights and buys their own food, I.e. doesn't cost the company any money.

She's probably said you are off anyway so not losing money, ask/tell that I can't travel by myself to lessen the chance of kicking off. Or ex has invented that reason himself so he can go.

I do wonder about her taking a job with travel if she can't genuinely travel by herself and knowing her DP has children. I wonder if the wife is doing a lot of the grunt work/ running around caring for ex's children when he has them over the weekends/ holidays and has taken this new job knowing there is weekend/ holiday travel as a way to get out of caring responsibilities for the children. Leaving ex with possibly having to actually be the lead parent with his children and he's decided he is going with wife, especially if she's mentioned that partners can go with and he's gone ah I'm off that weekend she's travelling to Paris and I'll tag along and tell @wontTravelbyherself I can't have the kids.

It’s very strange that someone who doesn’t like to travel takes a job involving … travel.

The telling you the times he can’t do that would wind me up. They are his children, so he has responsibility for them. He should have explained the situation to you and asked you if you could care for them for extra weekends and holidays while he supports his wife.

If I were you I’d find out just how temporary this is or whether it will be ongoing thing where he just informs you of the times he can’t have his own children and expects you to make arrangements around him. If it is - then be clear he needs to ask you before he books anything and put it on him to work out how he will ensure he is still seeing his children regularly. Then think if there’s anything else you’d like from him in return.

Nothing strange about this at all.

Its quite simply either:

A) She has a new job that involves travelling to some nice places, her expenses ie flights and hotel room are covered and they can make a weekend of it he covers his flights

B) She’s away so will not be around to help with childcare.

It will be one of those.

I understand that his wife wants to do it - travelling with partner is more fun, and if it helps her to overcome her anxieties, good for her. Maybe a a few months of support will enable her to continue on her own.

The issue is that he is willing to de-prioritise his time with children so much.
Is he capable and willing to take care of them himself without her support, or is he running away from having them solo (under the pretence of supporting her)?

And see it as a bonus that you have the kids with you more!

I would be telling him that’s not my problem I might be kind enough to do a couple of the weekends but I would be telling him he has to find a school club for October half term pay for it and find someone to take the kids to it as it’s his time and he’s choosing his pathetic partner rather than his kids

Duplicated post

OP, is this travel within the UK or overseas? Surely for half term he could take the kids with them. Her employer picks up the bill for her travel expenses and your ex tops that up for the bigger room.

As her employer I would be concerned that she is having the need to take her partner away every business trip.

His children are not his priority - he left them.

YANBU. His partner clearly has a major issue AND, for whatever reason, chose the wrong job for her capabilities. (Maybe she's had trouble getting a job and needed to accept this one for financial reasons?)

Realistically, I don't think there's anything you can do. Make him be the one to tell the children he's choosing not to spend time with them anymore. If you need to use a holiday club to enable you to work, ask him to pay for the additional costs.

Yeah, unless she is being forced to go to Afghanistan or similar, I just don’t get it. And obviously, if you were being forced to go to such places, you just wouldn’t take the job 🤷‍♀️.

This is just the beginning.

Never mind anyone's reasons.

You're not available. Full stop. No explanation required from you. It's not about the childcare for a few hours during October break, it's the full 24 hour period.

All plans revert to original version. You're not facilitating whatever is going on here.

My money is on the wife doing a lot of the grunt work with caring and she's purposely found a job with travel.

I know of quite a few "great father's who happily do their share of contact time and happily pay maintenance" who farm a lot of that contact time out to other female relatives - their mum/ sister/ partner and when said female relatives pulls back her caring suddenly the ex can't have the children as much.

You have a choice. You can pick up the days he can’t do or you can insist he sorts out alternative arrangements. If your relationship is otherwise good I’d be agreeing to what he asks but requesting that he has the DC at other times to make up.
You are not going to have any influence on his wife’s working schedule so I’d stop trying. Yes it is very weird but for him to deal with. You are on a hiding to nothing if you even comment.

Isn't the answer here to say it's his responsibility to have his children on those dates and his wife's job is of no concern to you. How he covers his childcare weekends and weeks is no concern of yours and either his wife moves her travel to not affect his availability, or he doesn't go. The answer is not that you have the children the answer is he finds a way to not make his wife's job your problem.

It isn’t childcare it’s being a parent. He can’t just pick and choose when he is a parent because his wife is too pathetic to travel alone. His poor kids. They should be priority. If she can’t cope with her job without her husband’s help she shouldn’t be doing it.

You need to push back on this OP.

Is it a short term thing? You said a lot of travel initially so is it going to settle down and then she wont have to travel much at all? If this is the case, he doesnt sound like the worst, so id be inclined to accommodate them withput much fuss as long as it's time limited.

Since you say your relationship with him is generally good, I’d want to have a conversation about this in person. It comes down to what’s best for the kids and him screwing up your arrangement (that seems to be working for them) for a partners job isn’t ok.
I think your existing set up is worth fighting for and he might just need reminding that the stability of routine really matters to the children - and him making changes has a real knock on effect.

So many men put new partners before their existing DC and it is so hurtful.

In my opinion if you have children then they need to come first. Much as I empathise with her anxiety, if she can’t travel without the children’s dad and him travelling with her means he misses his time with his children then she finds another job? I wonder if she really can’t travel alone or they just prefer making a bit of a trip away of it? Either way she and the dads children are in my opinion wrong her to ask and him to agree.

I do think this is a situation where you can calmly highlight how the children love spending time with him and will be so disappointed. Is there no alternative to ensure they still get their time with you? I too think he’s in it for the jollies … well don’t allow that without making him face the fact this is negatively affecting his children or it will just become more and more frequent.

how awful OP. Agree with others — he fancies some cheap mini breaks with his wife — and the children’s time with him is disposable. Poor kids. Definitely point out how disappointed they will be and how much they’ll miss out. He’s a dick

^This

How does his wife get on with the children? Is this an excuse to get him to spend less time with them?