AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

Wanting to do something with your partner is fine... ditching your kids on the days you usually have them to do so is not fine.

When you tell your dh to blame you, is he letting his kids down, which is why his ex would "kick off" because, thats What's happening in the op scenario, and I think its acceptable for the ex (op in this case) to be annoyed

I would do this it’s perfect.

Her travel issues are irrelevant. You don't need to decide on whether their plans are justifiable or not. All that matters here is your ex is reneging on his commitment as a co parent, and expecting you to pick up the slack. You need to tell him that's not on, not be drawn into a discussion about what his wife can or can't do. That's not your remit.

So his wife's new job is affecting his time with his children and potentially your job (half term).
Not fair and this needs pointing out to him. I would also ask him to fund any holiday care you need.
How he had the cheek to inform you of this i don't know. He should be ashamed of himself.

No company I know of would pay for a spouse to accompany someone on business. I assume he is paying and staying in the accommodation without his name on the room.

The trouble is this could be an ongoing issue past this initial period of up to Christmas if her job involves travel on a regular basis. What is his plan for this? Also, what will she do when his annual leave runs out and he cannot accompany her on subsequent trips?

This isn't relevant to the OP's question.

Yes if it's half term, he can take the kids with him and they can do fun stuff while she's working. Say that to him. If he says it'll cost more to take them, point out that it'll also cost him for childcare if he doesn't have them as he was supposed to!

Can you ask him to swap the weekends so that he has them on a weekend when he isn't planning to be away? If he still says no, then you know that this isn't about what he says it is.

lol nah she’d probably say ‘put it on me, tell Debbie I can’t travel alone! Then we can have a weekend in Paris. Ideal!’

OP it’s not great, but tbh it doesn’t sound like too much change. Kids will be fine. Can you ask him to pay for their holiday club in Oct?

or could you ask if there’s an option for them to join him when he travels in October?

He needs to sort out the childcare during his contact time, whether it’s getting help from his parents or hiring a nanny. I travel a lot for work and cannot imagine taking an EmotionalSupportMan™️ with me. Especially someone who is self-employed, ie, not working/earning/being paid annual leave during that time.

There may we’ll be something there.

This

I would be getting the ick if I was him

What is that makes those 3 particular weekends poxy? Or are all weekends poxy? I had no idea.

Mine would, and does, as a reasonable adjustment for a disabled employee.

There are various possibilities here,

1. Her anxiety is much worse than you thought, in which case I might want to make some gentle enquiries about how that might affect my DC during dads contact time.
2. She does all the childcare and he is ducking out of parenting without her.
3. Her travel is to great places and he wants to accompany her.
4. He doesn’t trust her/she has form/he doesn’t want her travelling alone.
5. She has another disability you don’t know about which makes the solo travel difficult.

Regardless, you need to think about what you can do to accommodate and what is best for DC. I am assuming they would rather be home with you than in any childcare setting he arranged?

However, what if you had already booked a week away at half term? He is being really selfish. It’s interesting he can afford the loss of income and the additional maintenance burden.

There is something odd about it, I guess it will all come out eventually.

Ooh I like your style!

Op said her Ex is self employed so annual leave isn't an issue, what will be a problem is his income if he's paying to travel with her and not earning

This. My guess would be that she's cabin crew and ex is looking forward to some nice cheap trips... How selfish.

Nonsense posters such as @Justwalk should be removed.

As you get on well, can you do as pp suggested and have a proper chat about this? Your kids will miss him, presumably he will miss them, and it’s really odd. As well as letting all of you down at quite short notice.

I don't find it strange - I think he's taking the piss. His priority should be his children, this sounds like an excuse for a jolly. What happens if you're not available to step in while they bugger off? If he isn't available, he should be making alternative arrangements, not just telling you he won't be there and leaving you to figure it out. I hope he has at least had the guts to tell the children himself. Don't focus on his wife, he is the problem, not her.

It’s not fair on your children to miss out on their contact time with their father. It’s also not fair on you to have your agreed schedule messed about with no negotiations.

He needs to arrange alternative child care for any dates which impact your work. He also does need to adjust maintenance payments.

Someone too anxious to travel getting a job involving extensive travel does seem bizarre, and employers allowing a spouse to tag along seems very unusual. In 20-odd years of being married to someone who travels a lot for work, I’ve only flown to meet him once, as his birthday weekend fell in a period of work away.

PPs eg have suggested that he’s after child free mini breaks might be on to something, as well as the suggestions that she might do the actual child care.