AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

[wontTravelbyherself]

I have 2 dc with my ex (8 and 10) he usually has them 3 days a week and every half term, 2 weeks of the summer holidays and we alternate Xmas. Works well.

His wife has recently got a new job and initially it involves a lot of travel apparently. She won’t travel alone.
He has now informed me that there are 3 weekends he can’t do between now and Xmas plus he can’t have the dc during October half term and there are a couple of other days too that he can’t do, no option to move days as he has to work and is self employed so when he’s travelling with her he’s just not working.

AIBU to think this is strange ? Why can’t she travel alone , apparently she doesn’t feel safe and he wants to support her but she isn’t going to any dangerous countries !!!

If the situation is indeed temporary - that travel is just an initial thing and won't happen again - then I can see why the wife might have taken the job. Overall it's a good thing to slightly push your boundaries and if she suffers anxiety generally and the support of DH is what she needs to get this presumably better job, then, without the complicating factor of childcare, I'm sure most of MN would think it's a good thing.

Obviously childcare is the complicating factor. If OP you are able to look after the DCs and it is time limited as indicated the this would undoubtedly be best for the DC. I'd do the calculations and get the extra maintenance though. And get a guarantee (as much as these things can be guaranteed) that it's a one-off and if you need the favour returned at any point, it will be.

Surely childcare in his time with the kids is his problem to solve?

It’s vanishingly unlikely that her employer would be paying for him to go - my dh travels extensively for work and that is just not a thing! I could go but the only I’d not have to pay for would be accommodation. And I think they’d be a bit 🙄 if I did it too often because he’s actually supposed to be working!

You need to put this back on to him and point out how upset his children would be...he shouldn't need telling that he should prioritise his children, but his behaviour shows he isn't and he needs a reality check

If he's a good dad, he will accept this and tell his partner he needs to be around for his kids

This. If she can’t travel on her own she can take her Mum or a mate for half term week.

She won’t travel alone.

I'd call bullshit on that.

He’ll have to find childcare for half term then or take them with him?! Don’t put up with this crap.

He cant just say my wife is seriously weird and needs me to come with her - and is more needy than children who are not adults and actually can’t be left alone!

That is my ex. He's always prioritised himself and the OW and subsequent partners / new wife.

They are now 20 and 18. Ex is having to rebuild his relationship with the 20 year old.

Neither like their stepmum.

Doesn't help when they got married, their "D"F couldn't be bothered to ensure his DC were there as guests of honour.

He's a selfish so and so.

This is what i think too!

but he should make up the time elsewhere.

Make sure he is the one to tell the children. It shouldn’t be you - might make you look complicit in their eyes.

Your ex's wife is being ridiculous to accept a job with regular travel when she is unable to travel alone. Is the travel overseas or just in the UK?

He is letting his children down and I'd be very unhappy about that.

I would take the can't travel alone excuse with a pinch of salt.
If she really is incapable of travelling alone she surely is not competent to do the job.
I would assume he is either jumping at the opportunity to travel himself or else he is insecure about her doing work trips and wants to keep tabs on her.
Whatever the explanation the fact he is opting out of his own parenting responsibilities in order to babysit his wife is showing you, and them, his priorities and it isn't his children.
Definitely make sure you get maintenance payments sorted out to reflect his lack of parenting.

I'd assume ex and wife are taking advantage of being able to tag some time onto her work trips to have a holiday? If it's going to affect half term, why isn't your ex taking the kids away too?

I think you could ask some more questions to really understand long term impact.
Otherwise, it's worth deciding whether or not you want to take a stand about it or whether you are happy with extra time with the kids, but then make sure he's paying e.g. costs of holiday club for half terms plus the extra maintenance.

I think I would say to him that it should have been discussed with you before she ever accepted the job. It sounds like they knew this was going to happen but have only told you once the dates were confirmed? What would have happened if you'd already had business travel planned yourself, or even if you'd made a decision to change jobs and assume they could swap dates about at short notice too? You'd all be in a real mess. He needs to understand that he can't unilaterally change things and expect you to suck it up, its disrespectful to you and to his children - he was a father before he was new woman's wife!

This is what I was wondering @wontTravelbyherself she might be getting the blame here but there could be more to it

I disagree this is whats best for the children. They need their dad to prioritise them and stick to his commitments, not drop them, no matter how short term it ise.

His partner needs to find a way to manage her anxiety around the work trips without needing him to hold her hand, and if she can't do that and needs her partner to let his kids down, then this situation isn't right for them.

A different view here, I have severe travel anxiety myself and a pretty big job. If I had to do a trip, I’d probably want a family member or partner to support me and come with me. Pretty mean to critisise those who do when you have no clue why.

He’s explained he can’t have the kids so you can only say to him to sort out an alternative or you can just handle it. It’s really not for you to judge why she feels like that. If you need him to have them half term, insist he makes alternative arrangements ie she goes with someone else.

I think you need to be a bit firm here and say your not available because it is all planned so he needs to ensure suitable plans are made.

if you give in on this one then he will always expect you to drop everything to cover his times

But the kids need their dad..op says they will be upset at the changes. Why are they not their dads priority?

I understand his partner having anxiety and feeling unable to travel alone...what he should be doing is explaining that he can't be the one to support her on these occasions as he already has his commitment to his children. And she should understand that, not expect him to drop his kids to go with her

Id be telling himthat his responsibility to his childten doesnt disappear if he decides they are inconvenient.
And ask what alternative arrangements he has made.

@wontTravelbyherself it’s not really your concern why she would take this job. Maybe they want to travel to get her and they have decided to say she doesn’t want to travel alone. I have lost count the at the amount of times I have said blame me to my DH so his ex doesn’t kick off when we want to do something together.

@Whaleandsnail6 so yes she should be asking someone else but I’d also think he’d be making it up to his kids those times by seeing them more in the week or taking them longer other times. If it’s a straightforward ‘I’m not having them’, then that’s wrong, but if he’s offering alternatives, then that’s fine imo

Totally bizarre behaviour. I wonder if her employer knows. Who is paying for him to accompany her?

She's already said he's not offering alternate days due to work.
It seems his young children are a last priority.
He is going to see very little of his children between now and Christmas, and OP will be dealing with the emotional effects of that.

I'd be really annoyed at this. He's making the children your problem because his wife is acting like a child.

Tell him to sort childcare for the time he'll be away you dont have the annual leave to cover it.

Can’t he take his children with them? I’m sure they’d love a mini break too and they can do fun stuff while she is working.

Why on earth would any employer pay for travel and accommodation for someone to escort their employee? I can't see that happening.