Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Leave the jewellery to your daughter in law. It will signify to her what she meant to you. You could perhaps stipulate that the jewellery is to remain in the family, eventually being passed onto your granddaughter.

If you tried to sell it you probably wouldn't get anything like that for it, unfortunately. Not that you are, but buying v selling jewellery is a very odd business.

Inheriting jewellery comes with its own challenges,especially if the pieces are not your style. You also inherit emotional tugs, and guilt if you want to sell it. Or you have items which never see the light of day so what's the point?

But it all needs to be properly valued (which isn't cheap) and insured.

You are not being unreasonable go to leave the jewellery to the daughter in law, at all. It sounds as though you have a loving relationship with her.
But as you say you eventually want it to pass down through the family why don't you leave it directly to your grand daughter?

I think its lovely to give to your DIL - but if there is something you particularly want your grand daughter to have give it straight to her.
You sound like you have significant assets, I would take advice while consulting your DS/DIL as it makes sense to give at least part of your estate straight to grandchildren - you never know what the future holds. I also know of a sudden death/second marriage where the step children have inherited all the original families money/houses/sentimental stuff - its unlikely but can happen!

At the moment your son has a good marriage. You are only in your 70s and could potentially live for another 20+ years. How would you feel if your DS and DiL split up and you couldn’t change your will (eg dementia) and your DiL inherited your jewellery? It becomes hers to do want she wants with it including not passing it on to your GD.

My pil left everything jointly to us both but I see it as my husband’s inheritance.

This

Your son is your son is your son. Leave the properties, his and your grandchildren's, longterm future security (hopefully).

Your DIL is amazing and has been a real plus in your lives. Leaving her your jewellery which is not just valuable but actually means something to you will mean a lot to her.

I would do this too. Presumably if they stay together all parties benefit from inheritance and if they don't your son is not unfairly impaired.

My MIL is still v much alive but has given me and her DD bits of inherited jewellery which is very kind of her. She lets her DD choose first, she could easily give it all to her.

Haven't read whole thread, and I am by no means a wills expert, but couldn't you leave the jewellery to your GD, with the added clause that your DIL has the use of it for her lifetime?

Leave the jewellery to your daughter in law to stay in the female line of the family.

but the rest of the estate needs to go to your son otherwise it will come across as a snub. It sounds like your relationship with him is fine and their marriage fine so they will both benefit but on paper it should be him you leave it to or else he may worry you don’t appreciate him or he’s not enough.

forget the jewellery: you’re being unfair to your son by not leaving to him alone the valuable property. His wife shouldn’t inherit real property from her mother in law.

So would I because you never know what the future brings, divorce, death whatever. If your son dies and your DIL remarries, maybe having more children of her own, then your jewellry could pass out of your family line. Is it possible to leave it to her with caveats in place about what happens to it in future? Even if it's left to your son his wife could still enjoy wearing it. Maybe leave her a token gesture and the remainder to your son.

I may be out on a limb here and it’s not really answering OPs question about who she should leave her jewellery to, but if I were her daughter in law whilst I’d be honoured that she wanted to leave it to me I’m not sure I’d want it unless they were pieces I really loved and would wear.
What does anyone do with jewellery handed down the generations if it’s not something that will ever be worn? The odd piece may end up being remodelled which is lovely although it comes at a cost but I suspect that the majority of it just ends up in a drawer or a safe until someone further down the line decides there is simply no point keeping it any longer and it’s sold off.

Honestly OP you might be overthinking this. You have one child and are leaving everything to him and his family. I think leaving the jewellery to your DIL is a lovely gesture. I'd speak to your son about the properties and do some proper estate planning with him. He might prefer everything to be held in trust for the grandchildren etc. But I think I'd just speak to them and find out what they'd like. Gift some of the jewellery to your DIL and older granddaughter now, let the younger one pick out something she'd like for when she's older, I used to love going through my grandma's treasures and have been wearing one of her rings since I was 16. She didn't pass away until I was 30 so had 14 years of seeing it worn and enjoyed, same with my other female cousins.

My DF in your position left my mother's jewellery to his granddaughter. Sons and daughters in law were skipped entirely.

It's lovely that you have such a strong relationship with your DIL. I feel that my MIL is my "second mother" and I have told her that. I'm sure the feeling is reciprocated even though she has a daughter of her own.

My granny had a small amount of jewellery that was, while not particularly valuable in the grand scheme of things, of great sentimental value to her. She left them to me rather than to her sons (my dad and uncle who inherited everything else between them) as I was her only female descendent. It caused a terrible family rift as my uncle felt that he should have inherited them because he had given her one of the necklaces. I imagine he planned to sell them but I don't know. I don't wear them often as they're very much out of my style but I do treasure them. I only have sons myself so I will be in exactly the same boat as you and my granny. I recommend having a candid conversation with your DIL to tell her that you are leaving your jewellery to her in the hope that she will pass it on to her daughter.

If they don't need the money I'd leave it to the grandchildren.
I think its lovely to leave the jewellery to your DIL as an appreciation for her support to you.

My MIL left both her DIL jewellery ie I got a ring, but the majority of went to her only grand daughter my DD. She also left us both of us some money.
All the grandchildren also got a percentage.of her will, the grandsons also got some paintings.

Do what your heart tells you. But talk to your son.

You sound lovely, If you can, write similar in will, expressing your appreciation of daughter in law, and all she has done, she's obviously doing it cause she loves you too. It's your will, give to whoever you fancy. Maybe speak with son, just incase there is something you don't know about. inheritance is given, your DIL had no imput to how hers was given either

I agree with most people jewellery to DIL and everything else to DS - if they stay together which I’m sure is what everyone wants then it will be family money anyway

Definitely leave the jewellery to your daughter in law, you could always say with the proviso it eventually gets handed down to your granddaughter.

I don’t intend to sell any of the pieces of jewellery that I have bought. My DC2 wants them. And will get them.

I have inherited items from my mum and I love most of them. Some more than others.
I would consider selling items that I don’t particularly like and I know that I’d not get anything like the original cost.

I’d still rather have something than have it sitting in a jewellery box unworn.

I’ve sold a lot of my own jewellery on Vinted and eBay recently and I actually got more for a ring and earrings than i paid for them at the time!

I’ve had very decent prices for a few things on vinted.

you can stipulate all you like. It means nothing. Additionally no one can predict the future. The family may seriously need the value of the jewellery at some point in the future and feel that they can't sell it.

agree with the majority, jewellery to dil, everything else solely to son. I can't imagine he'd care about the jewellery but can see he might feel a bit confused or overlooked if as your only child he effectively got less than half of your estate.

OTOH it is your money and you can leave it to whoever you want.

I would say though that instead of asking random strangers on MN why not have these conversations WITH the relevant people. Telling your DIL you love her like a daughter will mean a huge deal to her. Same with telling her and your granddaughter the stories behind the jewellery. Write them down as well in a letter to go with the will. I also agree with the suggestions that you ask if there's anything they'd like to have now.

Obviously hopefully you'll live for years yet, but if you died next week then her mum passing on jewellery that isn't her taste several years later, when she's in her twenties or whatever won't mean much to her, and she might sell or just chuck it in a drawer. Whereas if she has a memory of being told the story behind it it will mean more.

It was just a suggestion to give the op an idea. I personally think she should just pass the jewellery down the female line as per tradition