Am I being unfair to my son by leaving my jewellery to my DIL?

[mairedelpilar]

I'm in my 70s and currently writing/updating my will, and I'm struggling with something I’d really appreciate some perspective on.

I have one son, who is in his mid 40s, and no other children. I always wanted a daughter, but never had one. In a strange way, I feel like I got that daughter through my DIL.

My son and DIL have been together since they were teenagers, so I've known her for most of her life. Before they were married, she would come over on weekends, cook in my kitchen, go shopping with me, and we would do all sorts of “girl things” together. I absolutely adored having her around. My son was always a lovely boy and I love him very much, but having her in my life felt like finally having the daughter I never had.

They have now been married for many years and have three children a 16 year old boy, a 14 year old girl and an 8 year-l old boy. They are wonderful grandchildren and I’m very close to all of them.

The issue is my jewellery

I have quite a lot of valuable jewellery that originally belonged to my mother. Some of it is very sentimental to me, and I would like to leave the jewellery directly to my DIL rather than to my son.

My thinking is that I want her to eventually pass the jewellery down to my granddaughter. I feel strongly about that because these pieces came from my mother, and I would love for them to continue through the women in the family. I don't really want my son to inherit them and then decide what happens to them.

There are also some properties/villas that I own, and my current thought is to leave those jointly to my son and DIL.

This is where I'm wondering whether I'm being unfair to my son.

When my DIL's own parents died, she inherited their estate in her name alone. My son wasn't put on any of it, and he never complained or seemed to think there was anything wrong with that. I completely understood that it was her parents' money and their decision.

So part of me thinks I should be equally entitled to make my own decision about what I leave behind.

My son is financially very successful and so is my DIL. They have a very good marriage, both have high-paying careers, and neither of them needs my money to be financially secure. Whatever I leave them probably won't make a major difference to their lives.

But this isn't really about money for me.

My DIL is the person who checks on me medically, makes sure I'm doing okay, visits me roughly once a week, helps with things and generally keeps an eye on me. My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.

I love my son, but I also genuinely see my DIL as my daughter.

Would it be wrong or hurtful to leave the jewellery directly to her while leaving the properties jointly to both of them?

I don't want to punish my son or make some statement that I love him less. I simply want to leave certain things to the people I feel they belong with emotionally.

I'd really appreciate some honest perspective, especially from people who have been through wills/inheritance issues in their own families.

Exactly this,then the jewellery will not be in the family.

I think jewellery to your DIL is a lovely idea. You could include a line saying you hope it becomes granddaughter’s one day.

leave the rest to your son, especially if your DIL inherited solely from her own parents. Functionally it may become family money anyway if they stay together forever.

by leaving it to your son it has a better chance of being inherited by your grandchildren. It doesn’t sound like they will split up, but just in case they do, inheritance isn’t usually treated as community property unless it’s been intermingled with family finances. In a theoretical world, whatever you leave to her could end up being inherited by her future husband instead of your grandchildren.

Alternatively, if you want to absolutely make sure the jewellery goes to your granddaughter, you could leave it directly to her, and maybe just a few special meaningful pieces to your DIL.

I think it would be a lovely thing to leave the jewellery to your DIL, though I would probably pick one or two pieces to go direct to your granddaughter.

I don't. I think she should talk to her son and DIL.

umm looks like I can't quote people.

If you leave your main residence to someone who is not a direct descendant then you lose £175,000 of the inheritance tax nil-rate band, so the nil-rate will only be £325,000 instead of £500,000.

You may feel like you’re being very thoughtful in including your DIL but inheritance tax doesn’t see it that way.

I don't see an issue with leaving the jewellery to DIL in the situation you describe - it doesn't sound like divorce is likely for them, and even if they did her children are your grandchildren to whom you would like the jewellery to go to eventually.

I do think a conversation about this as part of writing your will would be sensible.

I would leave the properties either

• directly to your son. He can always transfer some to DIL or put in joint names using the spousal CGT rules.

or

• considering leaving to the grandchildren directly (or in trust), thereby skipping a generation and avoiding double inheritance tax issues when your son eventually dies. This should be a consideration as it doesn't sound like your son & DIL need the funds.

Again, it would be sensible to talk this through with your son as part of writing your will.

I think this is a lovely thing to do

However, if you have enough pieces, it would be lovely to leave a little something to each of your grandchildren with the majority to DIL. Not necessarily anything of enormous value, just something meaningful that your granddaughter could wear and your grandsons could gift a significant other later in life

You can do exactly as you wish. Id leave the property to son and jewellery to DIL. Why dont you have a conversation with them.

The obvious solution would be jewellery for your lovely DIL property for your son.

I have already given some of my good inherited jewellery away to close people, I want to see them enjoying the pieces.
I gave my own engagement ring to my grandson when he got engaged to his fiance last year....it didn't fit me anyway, and I didn't want to resize it.

I just didn't see the point of waiting till I was dead before they got pleasure from the things I have loved.

You mentioned properties so plural? Maybe leave one to your son alone, jewellery to DIL and remaining property to both?

How many properties? Could you do jewellery to DIL, one property joint to DIL/son and then the remaining properties split between grandchildren ?

It doesn't sound like your son doesn't do alot with/for you so definitely leave the jewellery to DIL.

Agree with pp re jewelry to DIL and everything else to SIL, but more than anything else and whatever you do, communicate with your son and DIL. You’ll feel less alone in this decision, and your motivations will be clear to them both. This is your best insurance against (1) hurt feelings or confusion after you’ve gone (2) should anything happen between your DIL and your son, your DIL will know that the jewelry is to stay in your family and more importantly, so will your son. Your DIL would feel morally obligated to leave the jewelry to her DD in her will (she may currently have a mirror will leaving everything to your son, so that if something untimely occurs to her, he gets everything and so might a second wife.) Only your own hubris would stop you from considering these possibilities.

I do wonder why you would leave everything to them both plus extra to your SIL. That’s quite a strong statement. Your entire OP sounds like your son was never enough for you, you always wanted a daughter anyway and once DIL appeared she fulfilled your hopes and life’s dreams like he never could. Your plans to leave everything to the DIL with some jointly owned by your son reflect this. They go beyond appreciation of and love for your DIL. They pretty much exclude your son as your actual child, they treat him as though he’s the add-on and not her. Do you know this? Do you want this? Love is infinite. You don’t have to take some from him to give to her. Your plans treat your DIL as the main heir. She basically gets everything, with a nod to him fora half share of the properties. I think that in expressing your thoughts about your demise and assessing the people you’d be leaving behind, you would risk causing tremendous harm for everyone including your DIL in her marriage.

This is ringing a vague bell, actually. Have you posted about this before?

I think leaving your jewellery to her is lovely, but I’d leave the properties to your son in trust to grandkids

You do seem to damn your son with faint praise. You sound pretty grudging about him when you say

'My son does plenty for me too, and I don't want to diminish that, but if I'm being completely honest, my DIL is the one who has been more involved in my day to day wellbeing.'

Leaving her your jewellery is a lovely thing to do. I think you should leave her your jewellery and leave your son your properties as your DIL has already inherited from her parents. Otherwise, I think your son will be very hurt. Not about the money, but that even though he is your only child, he still comes in second place after your DIL. It could even cause problems between him and his wife.

I'd give the properties to your son. For your dil I would give her set prices of jewellery you would like her to have now and then the rest I would leave directly to your grandaughter.

I have my MIL’s jewellery although she didn’t leave it to me specifically, but she always made it clear that it would be mine one day. DH is absolutely fine about it, in fact I think he would like me to wear it a lot more than I do.

What would your DS do if not give it to DIL in any case?

Maybe have a chat about it sometime if the opportunity arises, or put it in an expression of wishes attaching to the will.

Why are people always weird about Wills. Just talk to your son and dil and see what they think.

Find out yhe legal implications of what you suggesting re inheritance tax etc would it be better to liquidate some assets.

My sibling was weird too but wasn't around when it was being drafted. I offered suggestions and let my mum decide for herself as ultimately it was her choice. The only surprise to me was my siblings reaction, the entitlement displayed was off the scale.

Agree with very first poster

Properties to your DS, jewellery directly to your granddaughter. A token beautiful meaningful piece of jewellery to your DIL.

Talk to them

if you leave it to your son he will give it to her anyway But it will lose the loving gesture

maybe as a solicitor to ensure it gies to grandchildren in case if divorce

My MIL has specified some items will go to specific people (I am in line for some jewellery I do not want) with the main body of her estate split equally between her sons.

You could do something similar but you also could just talk to them both about it and see what they feel about things and if they agree with the sentiment of passing things down the family line.

Personally I’d leave the jewellery to your Granddaughter directly and an equivalent value of money/items to the two Grandsons, and everything else to your Son.

As he was happy with his wife’s inheritance setup, that would indicate to me that is the ‘norm’ to him xx

You sound like a lovely mum and MIL. Wish I had the same but have neither.

I would split the jewellery between your DIL and granddaughter. Money to your grandsons.

Property to your son alone.

The jewellery is completely understandable. The properties are not. They should go to your son as blood relative, for him to pass to his children. Had my mother left her estate to me and my ExH jointly, I would be financially fukked. His own parents left their estate solely to him. We divorced after 28 years. Please don't be under the illusion that every long term marriage will last. Your current decision would mean your DIL is considerably more financially secure than your son.