AIBU to not want my parents to drive immediately after a 24-hour flight?

[DancingBeanz]

Name changed and going to be locationally vague, because I don't want to start a drama if this is outing.

We emigrated to another side of the world a couple of years ago, and my parents are coming to visit for the first time (although only seeing us for the first couple of days before essentially going on holiday to the rest of the country). They are in their 60s and have never flown this far before (it'll be over 24 hours of flying on the route they've picked), and I literally cannot get them to understand how tired they are going to be when they arrive. They seem to think that in the couple of days they'll see us, they'll be full of energy for full days out.

Obviously, we have done this journey, and we were exhausted for several days after arriving (let's not also get into the fact that we caught something on the plane, and my parents have gone vaccine-sceptic, that's a whole other thing). Even before the illness hit us, literally all we wanted to do on our first day was sleep.

The most worrying thing is that they've booked a car hire from the airport and are planning to drive to their accommodation near us the moment they get off the plane (we don't live super close to the airport, but are in the same city). They won't let us come and pick them up, and just won't believe us when we say they will be exhausted and not safe to drive.

Am I being unreasonable to labour this point with them? I'm terrified they'll fly here and immediately have a road accident because they're too bloody-minded to believe they will be tired!

I love how independent they are. Can we swap..?!

How old are they?
Do they have a history of car accidents or a flawless record?
Finally - what’s their travel health insurance like? It’s worth looking to see if they have any clauses against driving after a long haul flight & other irresponsible actions!

What on earth is narcissistic about that?

Lots of people don’t like emotional airport meetings - they just want to get their stuff and get out of there.

Leave them to it. You have told them your opinion and offered to collect them. You can’t do more than that.
If they’re in good enough health to go on holiday exploring another country they can hardly be decrepit.
Treat them like competent adults, you can’t force them to do what you want.
Maybe leave it as “well if you arrive and you don’t feel like driving give me a call and I will collect you”

They need a car for their trip, they’re flying into an airport - one of the main places you can rent a car from. It’s completely illogical for OP to collect them and then them be beholden to OP driving them back to the airport in order for them to rent a car.
Do you even understand what controlling means?? They’re making a decision about their own journey, that’s not controlling. OP trying to dictate what 2 other adults do is controlling.

It's perfectly normal to offer to pick someone up from the airport and it's perfectly normal for them to say no thanks we're hiring a car. What's not normal is to question their decision making because you feel excessively anxious. It's not normal to try to overrule their decision to travel by themselves because you think you know better and should be able to stop them doing what they want to do (as some posters have suggested).

Ah, I'm sorry. It's really disappointing to have a parent whose 'don't want to be a bother' really means 'could care less'! I have a parent like this and I have learned to manage my expectations. (Which translates as: no expectations!) Deep breaths. They aren't going to change so just let them get on with it.

The only thing I am grateful for is that it has taught me to be absolutely not that way with my kids. I'm visiting my DS this weekend (in another country). I speak the language, am perfectly capable of getting an Uber or hiring a car to his house - but he wants and expects to pick me up from the airport. I can't wait to see him! He has told me all the plans he has for us and I'm so excited to hang out with him and share some of his life there. And I say it. And it gives me pleasure to know that I am telling him what I would love to have heard from my own mum. So that is my comfort. That I am not repeating the pattern.

Yet another thread treating 60 year olds as if they're in their dotage! They're fine. They will be fine. If they're still doing it in their 90s then perhaps you will be justified in offering help and guidance.
I'm also a bit surprised that you're making so much fuss about this when you can only be bothered to speak to them 3 times a year. You're not exactly close.

I voted YABU - I’m in my 60s and think you are writing them off a bit early. Save your concern for when they need it.

Agree. My niece (the other week) drove 3 and a half hours back from the airport after an 11 hour flight, (she started out from the airport at 6pm,) and she said she nearly crashed the car twice. She was so drowsy. She did stop at a service station for an hour (half way back) and had a nap in the car, and was OK afterwards. But she said in hindsight, she should have booked a Travelodge and stayed overnight near the airport, then driven back the next day.

.

'other irresponsible actions'
As defined by who? We made many long haul flights, east and west and had the usual jet lags but when we flew to NZ with a 2 hour stop in Singapore we had no jet lag at all which really surprised us. We'd picked up a car at the airport, driven to our hotel then walked into and round the city, fully expecting to be wasted the next day but it didn't happen. People's bodies can react differently, they'll need to make their own decisions.

YANBU, tiredness impairs your reaction speeds as much as being over the alcohol limit. It's just as dangerous and irresponsible as driving home drunk from the pub, only difference is it's not illegal.

Lots of people think they're fine driving drunk as well, think they can take the risk and it doesn't affect them so badly. And lots of people will successfully complete a journey over the limit without being unlucky. Doesn't mean it isn't grossly irresponsible.

Renting a car is a gigantic waste of time and money if you can get a ride home for free. It makes virtually no sense unless you actively dislike your children and do not wish to see them at the airport.

As mentioned, I don't know of a single family across any culture or religion that would refuse a pickup by loved ones after an ultra long haul flight. There's something very weird with the dynamic here and the people normalising it.

And OP has a very valid point about tiredness. It sounds like a classic case of narcissistic family control where the parents do something deliberately risky to make their children worry and they refuse to compromise in the face of common sense. The subtext being if anything happens to them, it's still the children's fault.

My husband is ex raf and they were not permitted to drive if they spent more than 13 hours travelling, until they had 8 hours rest, for safety reasons. Still rhe same now hes MOD.
they're BU

I would be anxious on their behalf. It seems like I in the minority. I am your parents age. I live a three hour flight from UK. I hate driving the 90 minute journey after a red eye flight. Lack of sleep is not good for me. Google Maps makes things easier.

At the end of the day they are grown ups.

They’re visiting OP for two days and then travelling around - so of course it makes sense for them to rent a car!

Nah it's definitely not normal to decline a pick-up from a loved one whose home you'll be staying at.

It sounds like some sort of weaponised hyper independence to prove you don't want favours from anyone so they can't expect or demand anything from you in return. Incredibly toxic behaviour if it happens within the family.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Both situations are selfish, dangerous and irresponsible. There are other ways to get around than by putting yourself in control of a fast, heavy, metal machine. Yes it might be more inconvenient for you but I don't see why people think driving while exhausted is more acceptable than driving drunk or driving high or driving while texting. It could be someone else you kill, not just yourself.

This.

On landing you are in a buzz. You rarely can just settle and go to sleep because you have so many "ooo moments". In a way it's different to going home (I note you haven't considered the reverse when they return to the UK).

You tend to crash and burn a couple of hours later instead.

They aren't staying at the OPs home:

The most worrying thing is that they've booked a car hire from the airport and are planning to drive to their accommodation near us

They fly 24 hours to see their own children for 2 days? Well that all makes sense.

If you had read all OP's posts you would know that OP has a very distant relationship with her mum, which is totally her mum's choice, not OP's.

"Near us". They're still staying close by and presumably going to spend time with their own children. The level of hair splitting by people who have no experience of healthy family dynamics is incredible

But they’re not staying with the OP.

Insurance doesn’t prevent you from driving after long haul flight.