AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

I can confirm that I have not signed the official secrets act.

I'm also not involved in medicine. However, I'm sure doctors will chat to each other and say "I had a patient who did x funny thing", or teachers will chat to each other and say "I once had a pupil who said y profound comment". They're acceptable, anonymised anecdotes and some details may be confidential.

In fact, we have a friend who is a teacher who often talks about challenging pupils, some that make her life really, really hard. It affects her and while confidential details about their diagnoses or home lives can be relevant, they're anonymised.

Are all of those unacceptable to you? Or only if it's the person you're married to that you're talking to?

I guess people trust their spouses different amounts. Like some cheat/aren't bothered if their marriage breaks up, and some have given them access to accounts which they've then misused. Others are in completely trusting/sound marriages, and some people have religious/spiritual beliefs that they become one when they marry.
Some people are good at keeping secrets, some aren't, and if someone tells their spouse who can be trusted to keep confidence, then no one would know.

I wouldn't share a confidence with DH if a friend asks me to keep it to myself. It's none of his business.

I wouldn’t share a secret with my husband if my best friend explicitly told me not to. But if she was just keeping it a secret in general, then I’d tell him but that’s because I know he would keep it.

I do think anyone’s naive to think people keep secrets from their partners. Most people are blabbermouths

If you don’t want the husband knowing, I really think you need to make that clear. For some couples it’s important to tell each other everything and they will assume that’s okay.

It has nothing to do with trusting my spouse. I do trust him absolutely. But it isn't a question of whether or not I would ever be "found out" for breaking a confidence, it is about respecting my friends and their right to privacy. Even if they never knew that I had breached their confidence, I would know. And my DH would know. And we would both feel that it was a bad thing to have betrayed someone's trust in that way.

No. For me it's not about trusting one's spouse, it's about respecting a friend's privacy.

Genuine question. Why would it be "important" to share a confidential bit of information about my friend with my husband? Assuming that the information wouldn't affect him in any way?

I think there was a post on here earlier from the friend who told her husband.

I’d never share anything been told in confidence nether would my wife share it with me
think it’s a shit thing to do

That's just nonsense. If you're trusted with a friend's secret, you have no right to tell your husband. There's no way she would have confided in him.

Not telling your DH another persons secrets isn’t lying to him! I don’t understand this idea that you must tell the person absolutely everything or it’s not being honest with them. Do you tell DH every time you find someone attractive on the street? Do you tell them about the wonderful sex you had with an ex? It’s fine for spouses not to have a constant tap into the other persons every thought.

i generally tell DH what’s going on with my friends as in “how they’re doing” but if they tell me not to tell anyone I assume that includes DH and I don’t. I honestly don’t even know why he’d care. We have different friendship groups and he’s not particularly bothered about gossip.

i also find it amusing that it’s usually women who feel the need to tell their DH everything but I really don’t think many men come home from an evening with their friends and gossip about everything that was said and who is doing what. Most men are terrible at gossiping and telling stories in detail (hence the trope where the wife says “tell me exactly what they said and exactly what you said!”).

I also think it’s a good reason to have separate friendship groups. I can’t see any reason me or DH would feel offended about not being told something about someone we aren’t that close to and that makes no difference to our lives.

Confidence should mean exactly that.

I was often told things by my late DH's Mother, & his Daughter. It was "don't tell my son/father", so of course I didn't.
It invariably came out, MIL & DSD then told DH that I knew & there was a furious row - "you should have told me".

Bollocks, I was the only one with any sense of privacy in the entire dysfunctional family.

Me and my DH are close but there are things I dont tell him. Usually because they are not my stories to share.

I have a friend going through an illness which she has chosen for people not to know.

I have another currently struggling with mental health.

Another is going through financial difficulties

None of the above would I dream of sharing. Why should my DH know ? They are my friends and want their information kept private.

That is completely stupid, sorry. It's not a 'secret' from your husband to be party to information about someone else which doesn't affect him and he doesn't know. I'm a lawyer, should I tell my husband about my clients' affairs? Otherwise it's a secret from him, by your logic!

OP your friend was being a dick and you should tell her so.

Of course she told him, where it went wrong is that he gave the game away!! Are you telling me you’ve never told a partner something you shouldn’t have??

I’d love to know for what reason you’d need to tell your husband a friends secret, surely that’s just gossiping.

My BF is like this but she's told me that anything I tell her, she'll tell her husband - so I moderate what I tell her. I don't tell my OH everything because he's a terrible gossip and can't keep anything to himself. Lots of men I know are like that, actually..

So I have a lot of secrets and keep some stuff to myself, I guess!

Are you really saying that if a friend - who also knew your husband - confided in you something really personal and serious, e.g. she'd been raped, she'd been given an STD from a one night stand, that she needed to have an abortion, etc, that you would tell your husband about it?

I think married people who spill the beans on a friend's secret are very immature. I would go so far to say they are too immature to be married.

I am in my 50s and married. I certainly don't tell dh about my friend's medical issues, work problems etc. I only tell him things that he is going to find out anyway e.g. moving house.

Here's some examples:

Someone I've worked with for a few years got sacked last week (rightly so). I mentioned that, and what had happened, because this person that I've occasionally mentioned has now ceased to be there but the reason for his dismissal is, technically, confidential.

My work also involves a lot of change management and some details are confidential at least at that point in time. But in sharing my successes and failures, what I'm proud of or frustrated by, I share the details with the one person I'm closest to in the world.

It's the same for both of us, and I personally don't see how you can meaningfully share your life without going beyond what you'd tell the bus driver.

I actually cannot tell my dh confidential information about my work. I am in a government department, albeit at a relatively low level. We often know things which are announced on the news. I simply cannot tell dh about work issues in advance.

For us, we genuinely care about each other's friends because we care about the people who we're each close to.

If you care about your friend then you won't pass on private and personal information to someone else, will you?

I never have. I have a senior position in my organisation and as a result know a lot of info about individuals at the company, company strategy and so on. None of which I have any business sharing with anyone!