AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

I have been married for 30 years. And as you ask, yes I think the pair of you are shit friends.

I don’t see it as keeping a secret “from” ….it is keeping the confidence and privacy of another person. You can be an honest wife and a confident of another person without conflict.
unless the spouse asks you outright of xyz is true, but even then id say you need to discuss it with individual involved.
i dislike all this can’t keep secret milarky…it’s not a secret unless it directly involves their spouse and it’s about the keeper of the confidence or that keepers spouse. If it ain’t connected to either of them, and only with the person who wanted to share that confidence, it’s no one else’s business.
that is especially so if it is very personal matter…what if the poster told the person she’d been sexually abused or harressed? It is of no business of the dh and I would only think it was being shared as malicious gossip and a conversation piece between spouses.
there are very few incidents where telling dh would have any value at all to the relationship between the spouses …

OP, next time ask if someone will insist on telling spouse, parent, sibling, other friend before you confide in them…some people just can’t keep their mouths shut and want to share everything even when it’s not about them or their story to shae.

Do you tell him the size, colour and consistency of your every shit, as part of ‘sharing your day’, or are there some things you are capable of keeping to yourself?

Is this anything to do with this thread?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5571559-colleague-has-overshared-and-is-now-embarrassed?page=6&reply=

And of course I think it's ridiculous to tell your spouse/partner every little thing your friends tell you! It's a friend's secret, not yours.

I don’t tell my DH everything.

I don’t see it as keeping secrets from him: they’re not my secrets, there’s someone else’s.

If he asked me something outright, I wouldn’t lie… but a lot of the confidences I keep are things that he would never think to ask about.

There’s a secret a friend of mine told me nearly 30 years ago: I haven’t told a soul. I have had three long-term partners in that time and it never occurred to me to tell any of them. None of their business.

if it’s something that would affect your partner, I can see the problem. But if not: why would you tell?

I don't see spousal 'sharing everything' as a relationship strength, but rather as an individual character flaw.

There's a big difference between keeping something about yourself secret from your husband and keeping someone else's secret.

Yes. I think there is some insecurity in the marriage too. That it’s not strong enough to withstand one party keeping a confidence.

Why would you be a bad partner for respecting your friends' confidentiality?

In what possible way could it harm my DH if I do not tell him the personal matters that my friends choose to share with me in confidence? Other than him missing out on a bit of juicy gossip, maybe?

I believe that I owe it to my husband to be open and transparent about what's going on in my own life, and I expect the same from him. But I absolutely don't believe that I have a right to know stuff that is personal to his friends, and nor do I feel that I have the right to share stuff that is personal to my friends. It isn't our information to share.

We have been together for over 30 years, and very happily married for 26 of those. That doesn't get in the way of us being able to recognise appropriate boundaries. Indeed, we are secure enough in our relationship to know that we don't have to tell each other everything, and to respect the fact that we are individuals with our own separate relationships with the people that we care about.

If my best friend if 35 years told me something in confidence that was very important to her I would 100% not share it with my husband. Why does he need to know, it doesn’t relate to him or his family. That’s just gossip.

No need to say anything, it's all logged in our joint poo tracking spreadsheet.

We tell each other everything, as part of sharing our day

Do you tell each other every piece of confidential information from your workplaces?
Do you tell each other every piece of random chitchat you exchange with the cashier in Tesco?

If the answer is no, you don't, then you can equally not tell each other things your friends tell you.

How does it make sure a bad partner to not tell your husband something that has nothing to do with them or that has any impact on them at all? That’s just ridiculous!
I do not tell my DH anything that has been told me in by a friend if it not related to him or me. The only caveat would be if it was so heavy I needed emotional support or I was really worried about a friends safety.

My friend tells her partner everything, so I no longer confide in her.

I wouldn't tell my husband something I was told in confidence

I internally pride myself on being able to keep a secret.
Many can't.
I think it's a pity that some people have nobody to trust, in times of need

If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays that way. It'd be completely inappropriate for me to tell my husband. It's not my story/problem/secret/whatever to share.

if a friend of mine did that I wouldn't confide in them in future.

YANBU. I think most people are blabbers. Most espedially in the workplace.

No, absolutely wouldn't share anything personal a friend told me with my husband. I wouldn't even expect them them to say 'don't tell OH' - if it's something personal to them and they have shared it with me then i'm keeping it to myself

I know I could tell him, because he would half-listen and probably forget anyway! Perfect person for sharing things that I shouldn’t! LOL

Bloody hell I have enough sensitivity to know that some things are not for sharing with dh,
Mostly he really wouldn’t be arsed anyway.
Recently I went out for a dinner with 7 of my girl friends, he knows some of them quite well and some of them not at all. He asked how dinner was, I said yes great thanks, x has sold her house and is moving closer to her mum and y is sad because her ds is getting ready to move out to uni and she’s going to miss him. He knows both x and y. What I didn’t tell him is how one of them (who he knows) is struggling to make ends meet and one is seeing someone after her husband left her.
The things I did tell him are things that both women have said to him themselves had we bumped into each other in passing and the things I didn’t tell him i don’t think they would have told him.
I’m glad I have people I can trust in my
life to not blabber to their husbands.

I don't agree with the idea that it's keeping secrets if you don't tell your partner everything your friend has told you. I don't tell my husband every little thing my friends tell me about their lives. However, I would always say 'please don't tell anyone including your partner' if I tell my friends anything I would rather they didn't talk to their partner about and would be upset if they agreed then turned around and told their partner.
My judgement would be based on the type of secret to be honest, if it's something slightly embarrassing I'd be a little annoyed, if it's something big that you needed time to process I'd be very hurt

That's the thing. In theory, we probably would share every inane detail if we could. It's our instinct.

When we talk about our work day, we share relevant details we wouldn't disclose to anybody else, so the answer is yes. If it's been interesting, important, or otherwise been a key moment or part of our day, we would chat about it and know it's completely between us.

The boring Tesco chat probably wouldn't register in the mind, but we actually do chat about which Asda colleagues said hello to DD (2) or which random neighbours we passed.

Yep.

Because ‘sharing everything’ would require you to say what Dave had for lunch or what shoes Mary bought in her lunch hour. Because otherwise you aren’t being open.

What you are actually doing is just gossiping and using your friends secret as currency.

Well, honestly? If you were my friend and I discovered that you had been sharing my private information with your husband without my consent, then I would think you were a shit friend and I would no feel able to share anything with you. Trust is a big deal for some people, even if it isn't that important to you personally.