AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

I'm surprised all your husbands are interested in what your friends are up to.

I'd tell my husband in the following circumstances

• worried for friend's safety and want advice
• seriously affects me personally, e.g. if someone at work told me in confidence there might be redundancies in my team

Otherwise, no - wouldn't share for the sake of gossip.

I would also discipline an employee for sharing confidential work information with their spouse. It's incredibly unprofessional.

I really struggle to believe there are many people who have never told their spouse anything confidential about their working day. Good grief, what do you chat about at the end of a long day - the weather?

YANBU. I wouldn’t tell DH anything private about a friend. Why would he need to know? The only caveat is if it is something that is going to be stressful to me. He would need a bit of a heads up but again as general as possible.

It would depend on the thing and the friend for me.

Two friends have turned to me at different times, torn about whether to have a termination or not.

One of them is very open about these things, sees nothing wrong with openly discussing such things, advocates for women's rights vocally etc. Once she'd made her decision and the dust had settled I told my DH she'd had the procedure in the context of another thing she'd been going through re one of her DCs, something she'd sought advice from my DH on. I told her that I'd mentioned it and she was totally fine about it, wanted to know what he thought (he thought nothing, but he was sorry she'd had to go through it in the first place and it influenced the strength of his advice on the second thing).

Second one has a very different approach to terminations, finds the idea of a married woman with children having to have one shameful. She almost (but not quite!) finds it embarrassing in the sense that "then people will know I've had sex" (to each their own). I've never breathed a word to anyone and never would because I know she would feel diminished and embarrassed and because she told me about it in strict confidence. I'd never break her trust.

I didn't say that trust isn't important. We don't hide the fact we talk to each other; we're completely transparent about it and to be honest, we've always just kind of assumed it's normal. There's a clear consensus here that it's not, though.

When we talk about our work day, we share relevant details we wouldn't disclose to anybody else, so the answer is yes. If it's been interesting, important, or otherwise been a key moment or part of our day, we would chat about it and know it's completely between us.

I assume (I hope) you don't work in a role where you have safeguarding responsibilities, or any thing connected with the medical or legal professions.

It is not your information to share.

Unless the thing had direct relevance to his life and he had a right to know, then she absolutely shouldn't have told him. People's private business confided to a friend is for their ears only. No excuse whatsoever for passing it on as gossip, husband or not.
Unfortunately if your friend doesn't have these ethics then you'll not change her by asking her not to share your business in future. You'll just have to not disclose anything you're not happy to share with her husband too.

I do quite often share stuff about my working day, but never anything confidential. Both DH and I work with highly sensitive confidential information on a regular basis. It would be deeply inappropriate for us to share this.

But we have plenty of other things that we can talk about and we never feel the need to rely on gossip simply to keep the conversation flowing.

Of course, I might find the secrets of DH's friends interesting, in a casual soap opera sort of way. But I would lose all respect for him immediately if he breached their confidence by telling me stuff that they didn't want me to know. That would reflect a lack of integrity, a lack of respect for his friends and a general lack of trustworthiness that I would find very offputting.

But I guess gossip is useful for those who have nothing else to talk about.

Oh, I really hope you're not a clinician or medical admin and I hope you've not signed the official secrets act.

What you're trying to frame as "openness" (which is a very admirable quality) is actually loquaciousness gone berserk. It shows a very limited ability to prioritise information and keep confidence where appropriate.

That’s what I was thinking! My husband’s eyes would glaze over if I started wittering on about my friends troubles.

Well, that's good, I suppose. If you explicitly tell people that nothing will be kept confidential at the start of any friendship, they can at least decide whether or not they want to bother pursuing the friendship. I wouldn't personally, but some might not care.

Dh and I tell each other everything. But people that know us, know we would do that. In the same way there are some friends who I know dont have that type of relationship with their partner and some do. So I choose who to tell what to.
If someone wants to tell their partner everything then that’s their business. If you want something to be a secret then keep it to yourself

No … it’s about me and not related at all I hadn’t seen that thread , completely coincidental , although I do see that it’s similar

I 100% disagree. Husbands and wives are still independent people. When a friend tells me something in confidence, I never tell my husband.

Can I ask how your friends know that you tell each other everything, including other people's personal information? Do you announce it to everyone or something?

Confidential and sensitive aren't the same thing, though. I think it's legitimate to talk to your family about situations you've experienced without sticking to what is public domain information.

We do also have all sorts of conversations about politics, and what we're reading, and all sorts of subjects. I'd have those conversations with friends, too, though whereas the person I'm married to has quite a different status.

Gossipy types always dress it up as 'my darling and I have no secrets from one another'. Someone I knew used to love to tell everyone this. But the joke was on her in the end, as she found out her husband had been keeping a very big secret from her, he was shagging her sister.

So weird and interesting that people see themselves as an extension of each other. I share part of my life with dh, and he does with me. That’s the kids, finance, weekend, evenings bit. Work, friends, hobbies - we might chat about them but never anything that might be sensitive or that someone might not want shared.

My work is confidential. I talk to my partner about the bits that aren't. The funny thing a colleague said, what I did at lunch time, that my boss has a new car, that the IT guy was in a bad mood, that a celebrity was at a function i went to and seemed a nice guy etc. I might say I had a difficult case and it upset me, but it wouldn't cross my mind to give details.

This question comes up every now and again on MN, and it still shocks me how many people feel it is fine to share ANYTHING someone else has told you in confidence, with someone else. Whoever that someone might be.

How on earth do you people get on when you know facts about safeguarding situations - be that with your paid job or volunteering ? Aside of course from actually breaking the trust of friends that actually thought they could trust you.

It surprises me every time.

YANBU @Ifiwere

Of course the person you're married to has a different "status" but surely that doesn't entitle them to know about confidential situations relating to your work or your friends? If it isn't your information to share, then surely you can't share it?

And yes, confidential information may or may not also be classed as "sensitive" but it is always "confidential". So what makes you think it's ok to breach that confidentiality? I mean, fair enough if you're getting disciplined in work and need support or something like that. But simply gossiping about work stuff that should be kept confidential? Not on.

Yes.A very bad friend. Confidential is confidential.

I find it absolutely shocking how bad some people are as friends.