AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

When a friend tells me something that is very clearly personal information, of course I don't share it with my DH. It's a despicable thing to do. And I don't need to be told to explicitly - 99.9% it's fucking obvious that someone would really rather not be the subject of conjugal chit chat.

Why on earth do husbands and wives get a free pass with betraying the confidence of their friends? Utterly bizarre.

You don't care about them enough to resist gossiping about them though.

If your friend wanted your partner to know and was such good friends with him, they would have told him too.

There is no reason to be talking about someone else's private business to your husband - everyone here pretending it's anything other than gossip is lying to themselves.

I don't buy that at all. If you genuinely cared about each other's friends, then you would respect their right to privacy. It's just gossip dressed up as concern.

Fair enough, you care about your ability to gossip with your husband more than you care about the privacy of your friends. As long as your friends are made aware of this, then they can choose what they share with you accordingly.

I actually find that "husbands and wives shouldn't have secrets" a bit creepy tbh. Its got more than a whiff of control about it. Nothing you ever do, hear or are party to is for you alone, I get to know everything because I married you.

I’ve been married for 20 years. Not once have I told my husband anything that a friend has told me in confidence. We’re not a joint entity, we’re able to co-exist perfectly well without breaking the confidence of our friends for no other reason than to gossip about them, which is what it is. You’re not sharing your secrets, you’re gossiping.

Surely it depends on the husband? If you've married a loud mouth who can't keep a secret or someone who likes to one-up others by showing they know things then obviously no. If I was married I would hope it would be to a man who had some courtesy and emotional awareness that he wouldn't show off information that could make anyone feel awkward.
Edit - don't know how I quoted you, sorry!

For me,, it depends on the conversation, the friendship and the secret.

So I'd tell my husband most things, but wouldn't if I was asked not to, it was very clear (even if not explicit) that I shouldn't discuss it with him, or if it was sensitive to the extent it would be plain wrong to. So if it concerned sensitive medical issues, sex problems etc, then I'd use my common sense

Also, if it was the wife with mutual friends with the secret, then I'd be far more cautious about talking to my husband if he was friends with the husband.

But in the main we do chat about things. We'd never let on that we knew though.

I totally disagree with this. My husband is not an extension of me. If told a secret by a friend, it stays that way.

Totally agree. But I also find it quite chilling when people say that they think of themselves and their spouses as single entities. Who on earth would ever choose to get married if they thought it meant losing their identity as an individual human being with their own thoughts and their own relationships that are independent of anyone else.

Years ago I had a friend who told her partner something I had said in confidence. Obviously when it found out I never confided anything to her again
If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays with me .

Yes! I think I have perhaps watched too many Netflix documentaries about couples like this…

What a gossip

In the case of the friend I mentioned earlier in the thread there was a whiff of sanctimony. ‘Oh H and I have no secrets from each other because we wouldn’t want to lose our amazing connection based on truth and honesty. Aw don’t you have that with your H? You’re not that close, then?’
Aargh, grow up and go and look for your individuality. You might find it down the back of the sofa

I have no secrets of mine that i keep from my husband.

I don't tell him other people's secrets.

I understand you have a different view, but your characterisation is mean-spirited. We both have friends who will on occasion refer back to things they've told us and ask what the other thinks. Or, we'll mention a great tip the other one suggsted next time we see them. Their permission is implicit and, we've always assumed, what most people would.expect.

I would not thank someone who tried to place me in the position of keeping secrets from my husband

Then don’t have friends.

It is odd to hear the word gossip when describing wives talking to husbands though? I think women might fall into the trap of imagining the man won't remember, say anything or act on anything because. well, often they don't have many friends, listen or do much. I always assume my friend's partners know things about me that I share with them, but then I would probably also say things in front of their husband.

I rarely confide in friends as it it - I generally prefer to internalise and stew on stuff until it all gets a bit much and then I may end up wanting to talk to a friend. That takes a lot for me to do - and the thought that they may report back to their partners is just gross.

luckily, I do know that my two closest friends would never do that because they are decent people who respect others' privacy

Do your friends know you do this and are they happy with it?
I would t confide anything sensitive to you on this basis

So do I. I don’t think you can call yourself a good friend if you can’t refrain from passing on things told to you in confidence. Being married or having a long term partner doesn’t stop you from being two separate people, I think sharing confidences with a partner when asked not to is unforgivable.

Yes. It's giving "Give me your phone Darling and turn out your pockets...you know husbands and wives shouldn't have secrets..."

I think you're feeling called out hearing that your behaviour makes you a shit friend so feel the need to suggest that being a trustworthy person to others makes you a bad partner 🤔

I’m not saying I necessarily do this but for some people it is how they choose to express their relationship. That’s allowed, but it means we should always clarify the limit of confidences made and kept.

As usual, the main lesson from is thread is not to make assumptions. If something matters, say it out loud.