AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

Husbands and wives shouldn’t have secrets. Depends what it is as to whether it’s weird it came up with, or she brought it up with him, or not.

I’d keep a secret from my husband for a friend. And I don’t agree with rhe first poster, they should not have secrets about themselves, but they should be able to carry a confidence from a friend. It’s basic decency

To be honest, I would usually assume it was ok to tell my husband something even if a friend told me in confidence. Unless the friend said "don't even tell MrPinkspeakers". I would tell him it was in confidence and I would trust him not to tell anyone.

I don’t think it’s fine but equally I think you’re naive to think people don’t tell their partners everything, whether they tell you they won’t or otherwise. But I’m sorry you’ve had your trust breached, your friend should have apologised rather than minimised or been dismissive. I suppose there are degrees to this depending on how personal it is and whether you’ve expressly asked them to keep it to themselves.

We tell each other everything, as part of sharing our day and also to decompress. In the same way, anything we tell our friends in confidence, we assume they'll tell their partners (or, at least, we dont assume that they won't).

I'm sure your friend doesn't believe they were gossipping or breaking your confidence, for what it's worth.

Are you married OP? I'm curious if your perspective is different for that reason, or if we are just really bad friends and don't know it!

Really, you rush back to tell your husband everything your friends say even in confidence, I find that bizzare.

I think most people tell their partner most things tbh even if not an on purpose spilling the beans more in a general chat and something similar or that person comes up and it is like

I bumped into Op yesterday bless her she isn’t having a great time of it. Oh no if she ok?
Well not really don’t tell anyone else but her bf cheated. What a dick!

I wouldn’t be all omg omg dh you’ll never guess what. Op has crabs!!

If a friend tells you something in confidence, it should stay that way.

It’s not their secret, it’s someone else’s! The only exception I think is if someone at risk and she wanted advice or if she was distressed and needed to offload.

Not telling your partner your friends information is not keeping secrets!

Can’t speak for the OP but I’m married and I think you’re bad friends.

@HavingABlether Would you really? That genuinely surprises me. Do you have close friends, if you don't mind me asking? Not trying to sound judgemental, but to me having close, trusting relationships kind of requires some things staying just between the two of you, otherwise what's the actual difference between a close friend and just a regular acquaintance you like?
And yes, I am married. My wife might get told things in a vague sense, like "oh she (friend ) told me something pretty intense ", but anything actually personal, details, specifics, the kind of thing that was clearly said in confidence, no, that stays with me. She wouldn't expect to hear it and I wouldn't expect to tell her. I think that's just kind of the baseline of trust with a friend for me, regardless of whether I'm married or not.

Depends if you're someone who can be trusted or not. If you tell your husband then you can't be trusted, no matter how you justify it to yourself.

I remember I was going for a termination when I was younger. I told one person, my closest friend, and told her she was the only person I was sharing with as I didn't want my abusive ex to find out.

She told her now DH, and he mentioned it in passing. I remember confronting her about it and her saying ' oh, i just didnt realise it was a secret'.

She did apologise a few years later when she confided in me and I asked her to clarify whether I could my partner or not.

I don't believe all married people but behave this way, because i can't see how they would ever have lasting friendships.

I would never tell DP something a friend told me in confidence and if I thought a friend was going to gossip about something I’d said I’d never tell them anything private again!

Agree. There is another thread on this at the moment.

I find it embarrassing that these people can’t keep their friends’ secrets and rush home to share in a gossipy way with their husband. It’s not their secret to share and they are not a good friend.

I always keep my friends’ confidences and that’s why they tell me stuff they probably can’t share with their other less trustworthy friends. My husband and I respect each other for keeping our friends’ secrets. Because we are decent people and secure in our marriage.

Agree.

I think its a shitty thing your friend did. When a friend confides in me I don't tell my husband. Its nothing to do with him. Id be upset if I was you.

Crikey! From a lot of what these posters are saying it appears as though women suddenly cease to be autonomous beings once they legally attach themselves to a man. To roll out the old "because I'm married I have to tell my husband everything/married people tell each other everything" crap really is just an excuse for not being able to hold their wheesht.

Quite obviously what someone tells you in confidence or personal information told to you by a valued friend doesn't fall within that category. Your friend isn't part of the marriage so her information should be exempt from your get out of jail clause for being a gossipy, bad friend.

And to all those women that believe their husband's tell them everything, I struggle to believe that women can be so naive. Men, even the best of them, do not tell their wives everything.

For the OP, you are most certainly not being unreasonable. Your best friend sounds pretty terrible to me.

Yes.

I tell my husband most things, not everything. He would never let on that he knows though, because he's not a dumbass!

Maybe it's not right but depending on the type of issue I would have discussed it with my husband.

Don't have that issue now and the cat keeps all secrets!

In most cases, I woild probably tell dh but probably not in detail and there is the odd time I woild not. But, he would never say or act in a way as if he knew, ever. Amd same for me. His bff's wife had an emotional affair. He was devastated and so was dh frankly. He told me. But in the 4 years or so since then, I have never let on I know to either of them and absolutely never ever would.

We both have really close friendships, but I guess we sort of view ourselves as a 'joint entity'. And if, for example, we're concerned about our friends or want to be there for them, we would just naturally be open with each other. As pp said, it's never to gossip.

It's as surprising to us (because we've obviously discussed this thread too 😂) that other married people don't share everything. It's really interesting to hear these perspectives and at time of writing the vote is evenly split.

I was half-joking about being bad friends but I suppose we are extremely close and probably quite co-dependent.

I'm sorry you've been hurt though. I'm sure your friend would never have intended to, or like us, even considered that you might be. Feeling betrayed is awful.

I’m an individual not a half person just because I’m married.

I don’t tell my husband anything that I shouldn’t. Think it’s appalling that so many people think otherwise

I agree with you OP. I find it a bit childish and naive when women tell their partners everything including their friends private business. Men don't usually do the same time.

No of course I don't tell my husband things my friends have told me in confidence. I don't share every single thing in my life with him.