AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

This

I wouldn’t tell my husband if you told me something deeply personal. Why would I? I think it’s a cop out to say we tell each other everything, that doesn’t mean you should be breaking people’s confidences imo.

I tell my DH everything. Always have. He tells me too. I don’t mind if people think that’s being a bad friend. Literally every single person I know tells their partner and I expect them to if I tell them something.

If you don’t I think you’re a bad partner

My friend does this. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t keep secrets from her husband. I think it’s fair enough for her not to keep her own secrets from him but she doesn’t get to share mine with him. As a result I don’t share things with her which inevitably has changed the closeness of our friendship.

You and your friends deserve each other.

She's not your friend. It's that simple.

I don't understand people's need to immediately vomit out personal information like this.

Why did the husband even need to know?

What goes through a person's head when they treat your private information in such a casual way?

Clearly she doesn't give a fuck about you. It's that simple.

💯

I'm married. I trust my husband, but my friends secrets are theirs, not mine to share, even with my husband.

I am still my own person even though I'm married, so if someone tells ME something, they are telling ME, and ME alone...

Bang on!

This is a TAAT and they weren't best friends, they were work colleagues.

I would tell my husband everything, if I thought that he would be interested. I would have complete confidence that he wouldn't repeat it.

Do any friends you have know this. I’d not confide in you if I knew you felt you had to tell your friends confidences to your husband,

I think if I even attempted that my husband would say to me, wasn’t that told to you in confidence.

how on earth anyone thinks it’s ok to gossip to your husband about a confidence someone trusted you with beats me, I just hope people know, or you simply don’t have any friends or friends who confide in you.m

So that’s the only barometer, you can break a confidence if he doesn’t tell??

If he has friends I bet he doesn't tell you everything. How would you know?

Maybe there are counter-examples, but I’d assume everything is shared between spouses.

Wow there are some shit women on here!

It should stay in confidence. A good friend told me about something very personal. My DH and I are friends with her and her DH. It's been 5 years and I've never told my husband. That would be a breach of the trust with my friend.

Surely the women who blab secrets to their husbands can't be trusted....even by them.

I think it’s terrible. I’ve been married nearly 30 years and can completely trust him, but I still wouldn’t. It’s not my secret to share. The only exception would be if it was something very concerning and I needed advice.

There's a difference between having secrets and telling your partner someone else's secret

I would only consider not telling my husband the personal secret if a) the friend specifically asked I not tell him and b) it seemed completely irrelevant to him and his decision making in future. I would probably still tell him I was told a secret I can’t share so he knows I’m being honest with him.

I agree with you OP.

Though, I have to admit, a friend once told me something , which I then told my husband, and she found out because I said well “Mr Zebra thinks you should do X”. She gave me a total bollocking for sharing what was personal information with DH , when it wasn’t necessary. Like there was no reason for me to impart this info about someone else except for the reason of having done so.

made me think much more carefully since about what people tell me in confidence , and whether it’s fine for DH to know. If you’re not sure, ask!

Nope - if you’re asked not to tell anyone you don’t, or you ask them not to tell you, or you ask them if it’s ok to tell your DP. My DP works in defence and there’s loads of stuff he doesn’t tell me, and I’m not sure I’d want to know.

This happened to me. I was gobsmacked to be honest. It was not to be shared with anyone.

I wouldnt share friends secrets with DH.

Same as I wouldnt tell him all the safeguarding infirmation about the children I work with. Or he would tell me classified information.

We are two people, not just a couple.

Decompress?

You can't keep your trap shut because you need to decompress.

Every day? OMFG

Is this a TAAT?

I'll say what I said on the other one -spouses who tell each other other people's confidence lack discretion and integrity -they're incontinent.