AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

But yeah, it is indeed nobody's business but your son's what he pays for. So your husband should not have blabbed.

Yanbu to help him. But she’s right, he’s not really learnt to live so tbh in his means. He just spends everything he has. Does he save any money?

I guess coming from a family and all my siblings work as do I and dh hard with kids, no debts,pay for own cars x 2 as big family..save for house repairs,holidays, no inheritances not even my parents know what one is as grandparents houses were all sold to pay for there care till they passed find it hard to understand how someone your sons and mine to age can't stand on his own two feet a bit more. However I also on the other hand think it's absolutely great to be able help as much as you can which is loving to. My parents haven't got the finances but more than make it up helping practically when needed..All ways of love

It’s not your SILs business - let her be outraged, so what.

FWIW, my husband and I are very open about the fact that we plan to help our kids with whatever we can when they’re older, too. We teach them the value of money and the importance of working hard, but if we have money then we plan to make sure that we can do whatever we can for them.

I think your son sounds like someone who isn’t scared of a bit of hard work, doesn’t expect things to come on a plate to him (hence buying a fixer upper and putting the graft into it!) and doesn’t come to you with open hands asking for more.

You’re good parents who want to make life easier for your child, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think you sound absolutely lovely, to be honest.

By plenty of money, do you have the 4 to 6k a month you may need in the future to pay for your care should you have a stroke/dementia/lose your husband? Or are you ok with, if that happens, ending up in a pretty shitty, basic care home?

I don’t think a lot of people plan for their care needs - as long as they don’t have to pay - they seem happy to take their chances. The state offerings are a bit of a lottery and if you are unfortunate in that lottery, it can put considerable pressure on your loved ones - that’s if you are lucky enough to have loved ones who will supplement your care - the impact on them will be considerable though. It’s easy to hand over your cash at a time when you don’t need it, fingers crossed it was a good bet!

YANBU. My parents have helped us and I absolutely appreciate all their help... especially as I struggled with CFS for many years and couldn't work whilst our children were small (my DH did). My parents have worked hard and have been frugal all their life which enabled them to save so that they could help all their children get on the property ladder. l've had this role modelled to me and I am similarly frugal myself...and I absolutely appreciate the value of money.... your sis in law is talking nonsense.

Most people's money would run out very quickly if that was the case so you'd end up in a shitty home regardless after a few years....if you continued to languish in that state. At least I would have the pleasure of knowing I helped my child/ren have an easier life for decades.

No ones business but yours. If you can help your son now, why not? Why wait until you leave it as an inheritance? Let him benefit now while hes young with a family and needs help. Also saves letting the government give it away via inheritance tax.

Spend it all now on her son and get free care later on in life

I assume you’ll be supporting your parents when they are frail and in need of support?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with helping out your kids if you can

I often help my son and his partner out
my son had a big deposit for their house from my late parents ( rather than me which i was happy with )

i often give them a few hundred in cash if they are going away for the weekend

I pay for my sons car insurance
I just bought them a shark Robo vac and a handheld vacuum for upstairs which was probably about 600 in total

I also give my son 250 a month in cash because I can

if his car needs something fixing or a Mot
I will give him money towards it
if say his MOT is 500 I will give him 350 towards it

I invited them both on holiday with me and dh and I paid for them to come for a week

Im contributing to their wedding by paying for photographer videographer and venue decorator / stylist

l don’t see the point in having money and not giving him some help

Op many parents give and do so much more and many choose to do far less.

It sounds wonderful to me and unless my DC end up very well off I would try and do the same

My in laws do similar for us. They say that it would all be swallowed by inheritance tax anyway if they didn’t.

Good for you OP! We’re doing similar for our DD who lost her job recently due to developing fibromyalgia and is slowly working up to more hours. We’ve paid for specific things like hypno, car loan and now her (low) mortgage.
DS is in the process of buying a house and we’re anticipating helping him out too.
Both DCs are great with money and never assume or even ask for help. I’m delighted we can help them, we’re not wealthy but we’ve paid off our mortgage and both work full time.
we never tell anyone though, specifically not DPs as they’d see it as “spoiling” the DC!

I think if he’s grateful and sensible with it using it I. The manner intended then it’s lovely you help him. My exes mum bails him out his shitty decisions and even paid lawyer fees to help him wriggle out of abuse charges, totally different and not doing him any actual favours. Keep doing what you’re doing you sound lovely and your son sounds a good guy and dad

It is none of the sisters business. I will provide an unpopular opinion in that when you helped your son with the house, that was a massive bit of help. The paying his car, taking the family on holiday I think is not helping his independence. I say this from knowing a family member who has helped their child for over 15years to the tune of £150000+ and the child married with a family has never been fully independent without the help. I am a believer in that you can help, however for it not to fund their lifestyle including paying for regular things such as cars, clothing, holidays etc.

@HazeyMid I agree that paying for the car should perhaps be ended at some point. Personally, I'd prefer to give my children an early inheritance or a lump sum gift rather than pay ongoing bills. I'd help in an emergency, of course.