AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

None of her business . I am doing similar , help my adult son 22 who has a job in any way I can . I’m paying his student debt for example ,just because I can and want to.

It’s wonderful that you help them, please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. As long as your son is grateful, and you aren’t depriving yourselves unduly, I think it’s a loving thing to do - ultimately it’s a way of giving your grandchildren a better quality of life and allowing them to have nice experiences and make happy memories whilst growing up. Little gifts help so much in the moment and take stress away from the parents. They’re lucky to have you :)

As long as you only have one child it’s great.

@DemonsandMosquitoes They must be friends with my PIL, they're exactly the same! When DD (21) had her 18th, our neighbours gave her a more generous gift than my PIL, it's bizarre. They're definitely comfortable, just v. tight!

Spend your money on things that make you happy - it sounds like you are doing this, which is great!

My only suggestion (and you may already be doing this) is perhaps expressing to your son that you would like him and his wife to continue the tradition and support their own two children to have a good quality of life too? Therefore you've passed on a good chunk of your inheritance from your parents, so you hope they will plan ahead to be in a position to do the same when they inherit from you and from her parents. This would hopefully stop him from assuming that, say, the inheritance they may receive is all to fund their own retirement or to b3 spent extravagantly.

I say this because I pointed this out to my own parents, who have been incredibly generous to me and my sibling (contributions to uni living costs, house deposit, wedding cost and to various home improvements as well as some lovely family holidays over the years) and I know my parents were very touched that I had acknowledged that the biggest thank you I could give them was to continue to work hard so DH and I could pass the same benefits on to the next generation of our family. I think this approach might bring you great joy too?

Good for you! You’re sister is being ridiculous.

You sound absolutely lovely ❤️

As long as you have enough for yourselves and if anything happens can retire without an issue it’s fine.

Brilliant that you are able and wanting to support as you are!

I’m rarely against this, I’d love to help out DD a lot more than I do, and I still hope to one day as soon as I’m financially better off.

The only circumstances I’d disagree with is if there’s so much help that it goes against their growth. My uncles help their children - grown adults in their late 40s - to the extent that they have no idea what it’s like to live on their actual income. Plus, in order to do this they have no savings and my uncle is still working at almost 80. It’s insane to watch.

Agree with others, as long as you have enough ignore the criticism. The government would only take it to give to random strangers.

You sound wonderful. DS1 is 31 and married to his childhood sweetheart too. They have a year old DD. Childcare is expensive and due to ill health (I have a life limiting condition) I can't to be relied upon as I regularly spend long periods in hospital.

What I do do is take DGC out on a day DH is at home so as not to let them down. I buy regular big ticket items for DGD including car seats, her latest stroller, highchair, wooden garden play equipment, and landscaping/childproofing their back garden. I also batch cook DGD meals, buy shoes and clothes and have Prime subscriptions for her toiletries and waterwipes. This saves them a lot over a year.

I also know DIL's parents pay for all their car costs, holidays and childcare. I don't understand parents who don't want to support their adult DC. DS and DIL are not spoiled, work hard and are amazing parents. They never expect or ask for anything.

We help our children out. We are in the fortunate position that we will never spend the money we have saved - should we sit on our money whilst they struggle? We love to see them happy.

I should add that they both work incredibly hard - I wouldn’t fund them not to work. They never ask for anything and are always incredibly grateful. Well done OP and ignore the comments.

If you can afford it I think fine. Saves inheritance tax later down the line!

It’s none of their business - but simply don’t tell anyone. I do think £15,000 on a garden is a lot though when they’re not high earners. Again, it’s no one’s business but I think your comment that they’re frugal might not be as true as you think. I don’t know anyone who needs their car to be paid for to spend that amount on a garden. As long as you’re happy I don’t see why even that matters really but I feel a bit sorry for you, I hope your son and his wife aren’t taking the piss.

No one else’s business. My parents have always helped me & my kids out. You want to help & can afford it so why not. Sounds like your sister in law is jealous she can’t do the same for her own

I'd do they same of I had the opportunity and in your circumstances.

Good for you supporting your son and his family. Hopefully they wont split up but even if they did its not a reason to hold back. I would much rather help my child when I was alive and could see them benefiting from the help than them inherit it when I am gone. I do think though that there is nothing to be gained from telling others about finances. It often doesn't end well!

None of her business wtf

Even if you were giving it to him for something awful like literally so he can burn it for fun because you want to, again, none of her damn business

you need to tell your husband not to tell anyone your private business because people then feel comfortable commenting

I think it’s all fine so long as DS is an only child. Otherwise it might cause friction between him and any siblings.

Life is expensive.
Its not your SIL’s money and therefore it’s none of her business.

It is none of her business at all! You sound like wonderful parents and I hope I can follow your example one day and give my daughter that kind of brilliant head start in living her young life.
We all hear "it takes a village" but then as soon as someone has a village people are eager to tear them down and say they're not doing things the proper way. To me it always reeks of jealousy and certainly when I was really struggling in my early twenties and felt snotty about friends who didn't have to struggle, it was because I was green with envy. Your DHs sister should know better!

It’s your money to do as you please with. I wouldn’t care what anyone else had to say.

That is lovely of you both, so nice to be able to be in a position to be able to do that. We paid the initial deposits on our children's houses rather than letting them continue to live in expensive rentals, which were dead money. The main thing is that they appreciate and value what they have been freely given. Not for anyone else to make a judgment on. You may need their help in your later years.

Then I think they are both very lucky to have your support.. and lovely that you can do this in your lifetime and see the pleasure it’s bringing.

Your money, your decision!!