AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

If you're happy and your son's happy, that's what matters. I think it's much better that you've been able to support him financially at this stage in his life than if you'd just sat on that inheritance and watched him struggle from atop a pile of money. This way, he's more comfortable, his family are more secure. It sounds like they've used the money very sensibly. It's none of your SIL's business.

I thinks it's tricky. They are very young. What happens to your inheritance, passed on I assume by deed of variation, in the event that they split up and your dil is the guilty party?

Ours are a little older, DS is 31, DIL 30 and one tiny baby. DD 28, stb DH 29. Trusts and legal agreements.

We will probably contribute to their childcare costs because you can do that from income you don't personally need.

I'm interested to know why, if you and your DH have earned well and have plenty of money, why your DS is a low earner. Did you invest in his education? Does he have qualifications or a good trade? What will he do if the marriage breaks up and he's left with half?

PS: why did your DH share this info with his sister?

I think this is lovely. 20s with children and childcare costs is challenging, you're helping set up your son and grandchildren for the future. Why wouldn't you? As you say he's sensible with money and is spending it wisely.

I'm enormously grateful for the money I've received from relatives.

I suppose it’s not the same. We aren’t in an expensive area, DH and I purchased our home through right to buy so while we have savings etc. It’s relative to our area, lifestyle and careers.
My son has a trade job and aims to start his own business in the future but likes the reliability of salaried employment while his children are young.

We aren’t high earners either, we are very much a working class family in a working class area.

Sister is jealous because she’s not been given any/as much help and doesn’t like it so turns it round to being spoiled.

I think you sound like wonderful, loving parents. My parents have and still do help us out when they can. And I hope when DS is older that if we're in the position to help him out then we will do that too.

If anything involved is your money, then it's nothing to do with anyone, and doesn't need discussing with anyone else.

It’s nobody’s business and in this day and age adult children need any help they can get when raising a young family. Keep doing what you’re doing!

This, if I had the money I would do the same. I help out where I can, but had no inheritance. I have a occupational pension as well as the state pension. Cleared my mortgage.
I buy smaller things and treat them when we go out. Please don't let this nasty sil spoil it for you. Your son neither asks or expects so he sounds a nice sensible person who does not take things for granted.

Well she is rude to have an opinion. But then my opinion is that those who sit back and let their kids suffer just because when they could actually help are not very nice people.

Your money is yours to spend as you wish. It isn't anyone else's business.

What you are doing is lovely. I had two short spurts of unemployment over the last year and a half and every so often my mum and dad have put a few hundred pounds in my account - so I can do nice things, not so I can pay my bills. They are generous people anyway with time or money, whichever they have but it swings in roundabouts, I was earning well before and they were having a bit of a tough time and I made sure they had extra money each month just putting it in their account quietly, paying for their tickets home or when they finally got sorted and moved they commented on our hoover so I bought them one. We are a family and we just all help each other out, very plan to help our kids with whatever we have available when they need it to help them too. For context, I am 45.

My DM helped DS and her 4 DC a lot when they were young, growing and so did I. DM still helps them. She's helped them with rental deposits, mortgage deposits, buying cars, bought my nieces car outright for her fairly recently. Bought DS her first car. Gives them money if they need something & can't quite manage it fully...

It's your business alone. Don't concern yourself otherwise. So many people aren't so fortunate to have anyone to help them.

I would advise your DH not to discuss your financial arrangements in future with anyone, it’s no one else’s business and then they can’t comment/judge.
My children are able to do things they might not necessarily otherwise be able to do if their Grandparents didn’t help by contributing to things.
They don’t give me money for things for me but if there is a trip abroad that one of them wants to go on, they’ll help pay towards it, transport costs to the school that the other one chose to go to another grandparent pays for etc
Are you sure your DH doesnt’t begrudge the help you’re giving? It seems a little odd that he was going into so much detail with his sister rather then just say “we’ve passed on some of the inheritance already to Junior as we’ve no need for it”

The only unreasonable thing is discussing your financial affairs with extended family members. Keep these things private. Hopefully your DH has learned a lesson here.
It's lovely that you help your son and his family out so much.

If he is anything like my father it would have been more showing off than due to begrudging the money. It annoys me to this day that my father told people he helped me buy my first house. I got loads of snidney comments about it.

If you can (and you’re sorted yourself) why not. Beware of any inheritance tax implications but otherwise crack on.
As ever, where you (ETA: your husband) have gone wrong is mentioning this to the sister - it’s a private (immediate) family matter.

I’d love to be in the position to do that when my children are older. Sounds ideal.

I think the early inheritance is good. Helping with school shoes and the odd holiday - lovely. Subsidizing a car I think is dodgy territory

My family have a long history of "paying it forward".

I see a lot of snark about inherited wealth and support on MN and elsewhere, but I've never had a satisfactory example of what is wrong with the following (figures changing across generations for inflation, but you get the gist):

Grandparents have assets of about 1m.
Support their children with five figure sums occasionally.
Children all work, all in relatively lower-paid but essential jobs - university, teachers, agriculture, charities.
Children support the grandchildren with nice but not extravagant home, upbringing and education opportunities.
Children inherit low-mid six figure sums, and through investment returns, are then in the grandparent position.
Cycle repeats.

People talk about inherited wealth like you're Elon Musk, but the inherited prosperity in my family is what everybody should be able to do. work, save, live well and pass enough on so the next generation can do the same.

Taxing the middling-prosperous like this out of existence isn't going to make anyone's life significantly better.

It's no ones else's business. You have the means and want to so he's a very lucky man. It's much more useful to him now than when he's older and paid his own mortgage off. I've never had a dickky bird off my parents but they aren't in the same position. Totally different if he was asking and you couldn't afford it.

Why wouldn't you help if you can? I think it's a lovely thing to do for your children. Why make life hard? For context, myself and siblings have had no help from our parents, who have plenty of money. We do not do the same with our own dc.

Your son and his partner are at peak difficult time - small children, doing up a first property. That's a tiring, stressful time.

Why wouldn't you help them if you can? Whether that is financially, doing the electrics, helping with a baby or making them a cup of tea and having a chat. You help as you can.

It's not anyone's business anyway - even if he was frittering it away, it's your choice. And he isn't.

You are mortgage free, with solid pensions and sounds like a sensible approach to life so why not help out a bit?

you hopefully have 30 years left so if you keep it all to you for, your son will have got through the hardest times financially without help and get it when he needs it least. So why not help a bit now?

It no one's business but your own, however, I do think the level of financial support you give ur son is excessive.

If everyone (that counts) is happy with this arrangement then it’s ok. It’s yours and husbands money and you are happy you are gifting to your son/family, then all done. Nobody is lees business