AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

Its none of her business really, as long as you're happy with the arrangement

No one else’s business ! I’m a grown woman and my parents help me, I really appreciate it. I’ve a couple of pals whose parents also help with things like holidays or grandchildren’s school fees etc. I’ll do the same for my own children.

Mind blowing that you’re the age to have grandkids and you need approval from strangers op. I mean surely you need to not let the opinion of someone cause you to feel the need to explain your life here trying to justify your decisions. You are both adults, grown ups. I’m more puzzled by that

It’s absolutely nothing to do with his sister. I take it the relationship you have with your son, DIL and GC is all good, happy, amicable and they appreciate you and your husband and your financial support?

I say this as someone who has largely had sod all in terms of financial help or help
with childcare from either my parents or IL’s.

YANBU at all though this is MN and you'll find a lot of people who never got help from family resent those who do.
We help our DC. They don't need it, don't expect it or ask for it and are very appreciative and it gives us pleasure.
I mentioned it to my sister who said she'd love to do the same but her DH wouldn't agree.

It's none of her business. She is probably just jealous she can't do the same for her children.

None of SIL's business and what you do with your money is up to you!

I think it's lovely that you can help him out. I've never had any help and it sucks, but if I'm in a position to help my DCs when they're older then I absolutely will do.

Assume his sister has also inherited from H’s parents?

Did H not know his sister would react how she did?
That was the fuck up telling her!

Lovely thing to support him as long as he is the kind of person who understands his responsibility to pay that support forward to the next generation. If he isn't, I would make sure my will gave a substantial amount to the grandchildren as your son has already inherited.

I'm concerned about your own finances if something happened which meant you could no longer work.

If you've helped your son out so much then why does he need additional help with a car? Is he wasting money?

You now know his sister is a mean minded and jealous woman who resents a young family having a little help.

Good for you, I would be doing the same.

It's no-one else's business.

Nobody else's business but yours. Seems the only mistake your DH made was telling his sister.

Apart of the car, you have only given them two financial gifts. Basically, an early inheritance. I think it’s different if you’re subbing them day-to-day. You’ve just enabled them to get on the property ladder sooner, and as you say, they still have their monthly and day-to-day expenses.

I’m always so grateful with my mum helps me, I’m 37.
it’s no one’s business, as long as your happy and can afford to.
my mum always says I’d rather help you whilst I’m here

They aren’t high earners.

We have plenty of money, we have been mortgage free for 15 years now and have public sector pensions and savings etc.

He doesn’t waste any money at all, they are very frugal, just constrained by their earnings and his wife working part time so someone is around for the children often.

YANBU it’s none of her business but I’d stop discussing your financial arrangements with other family members . My husband is a twin and although he doesn’t know our exact financial position his twin gets really worked up about the fact that my husband won’t take his financial advice . Your son is fortunate and I’m sure he knows it and is grateful .

I suspect this is just the politics of envy. Ignore it. Be happy and enjoy helping your son and your grandkids.

If this was say Italy with their approach to family it wouldn’t even be a topic.
You are contributing to essentials not buying them speedboats or Cartier jewellery
So if you don’t feel exploited or milked and believe they are being responsible tell the sister to butt out and carry on with life

We are in a similar situation and are planning to pass on as much money as we can to our DS, who is the same age as yours.

They need te help now, you can help and frankly with the recent changes in various taxes you’d be mad not to. Who cares what SIL thinks

No-one else's business, and he's spending it on good stuff.

It’s no one else’s business.

We help our children out. They would get it when we are dead anyway so what is the point in waiting. We much prefer them to use it when we are still here to see it and when they will need it more than when they’re older. They’re both responsible with money but we are family and want to make their lives easier because we love them.

Some people think life has to be a struggle to learn lessons. I don’t agree.

I think what you are doing is wonderful, If you were to pass tomorrow your son would receive all the money anyway, but what you are doing is allowing them to breath a little easier, spend quality time with them and your grandchildren, and know that you are helping.

Keep doing what you are doing, it is not a debate that anyone else has a say in

Thinking about it again, while his sister is being mean, why is he discussing it in the first place? I don't think that is very nice of him tbh. He has made your son look less competent and your SIl will probably tell other people. I remember my own father telling his father he was giving me money to buy a house. He actually lent it and I gave it back with interest but that isn't what my grandfather told people.