AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

Of course it’s a lot, they wouldn’t have spent that otherwise. We gave them the ability to do so and it’s saved money elsewhere in that they have a fantastic garden the children love. It wasn’t an essential purchase and of course a patch of grass would be perfectly fine but the inheritance gave them something nicer. They are frugal in that they buy almost all toys and clothes second hand, hardly eat out, prioritise spending on experiences over items. But a nice garden has paid them back over and over and will continue to do so as they designed it around growing children (it was also a massive space and very overgrown so needed a lot of work to get to even usable).

YANBU. Nice thing to do if you can afford it.

We are both retired, long been mortgage-free and we have decent pensions and quite a comfortable amount of savings.

Adult DD lived with us until 4.years ago then moved out when she had saved up enough for a deposit on her own place. She has a decent salary but I don't think she is a massively high earner. Fortunately she is very good at budgeting and is fairly frugal.

A few months ago FIL died leaving rather more than we expected to be shared between DH and his sibling. We discussed this and decided we didn't really need this inheritance, we have enough to live comfortably, so we passed it on to DD. She has paid her mortgage off with it. I have no doubt FIL would have approved of this.

I think you do what you want.
Everyone is going to have an opinion.

I would keep your private buisness private though and not discuss your financial matters with others. It causes resentment, jealousy or ridicule.

And this is the key for me. He’s not a spendthrift, he works hard and is not frittering away what you give him or using it to doss around. You are just making his life easier at a very expensive time. I think that’s lovely.

Its absolutely diddly squat to do with anyone else - I'd see this as you being able to watch your son and his family enjoy some of their inheritance now which is a lovely thing to be able to do.
Would your SIL rather watch them struggle? Did she have to struggle and thinks everyone else should?

Can you adopt me please?!

I think I can see both sides

Whilst it isn’t anyone’s business and giving stuff away now will stop it from being part of a tax bill
But I also see sils worry.

I can also see a problem with how the money has been given if DS and dil divorce.

I do know a few people who have had the sort of help you give your DS and on the face of it they are perfectly nice people but the undercurrent is definitely there that they are all sorted in life

The people who get the help do seem to stick together with other people who have family who give the same type of help.

It’s almost like they justify the help as normal because all their friends have the same help.

I do know one couple who get help with everything including their income/work

The way they speak about other people verges on patronising
They and their friends have no concept of actually getting by on what they earn

There are so many threads on here talking about parents going on multiple cruises whilst their children live frugal lives. That is so foreign to me. When the lavish lifestyle is funded through inheritance that will not travel down through the generations, i think it's awful.

Having said that I think 15K on a garden, unless you are an avid gardner is extravagant.

My parents gave me some shares 40 years ago, They got an opportunity to purchase them at value through DDad's work at the time. They cost about 10K. All my siblings got the same. They were my rainy day fund, a type of insurance. Since I never had a 'rainy day' - by which I mean poor health prevented me from working. - I kept them. Today they are worth 6 figures, I think - I don't often look. But I feel they are my parents gift to my children. My dad was gone before my DC were born so they never met, but I know he would have loved them. I love that DP passed that down to my children,
As I write this, my DSib cashed theirs in a number of years back, maybe 20, and spent it on home & garden improvements.

I have no doubt that your son, his wife and grandchildren are very grateful. How lucky they are to have family who are able to help in ways many could only dream of. What you do is up to you, no one else.

I would love to be able to offer that kind of help to my son when he is an adult.

None of their business. Its great that you can see him putting it to good use for his family. I agree with you. Make sure you spoil yourselves too
X

YANBU. Life is more expensive for this generation than for ours.

I bought a flat in Twickenham on my own in the early 1990s. It was £90k and 3 x my salary. The same flat is now £650k. If we didn’t have equity, DH and I would struggle to buy it now. Without any help, it is hard for our DC’s generation to get onto the property ladder.

I think it is lovely that you have helped your son, I would do the same in your position. However if he ever tries to pretend its all been down to 'working hard' , I would probably give him a slap !

I think it’s lovely OP. My parents help us and I hope to do the same for mine.

it’s no there business. All legal and perfectly fine! Maybe avoid sharing too much in the future.

My only concern is that you haven’t responded to posters who have asked if DS is an only child and whether his siblings are treated the same if he has any…

This is our dilemma too. We are older than you and both retired. We have been very fortunate that we had good jobs and didn’t spend much. We still don’t. Our only child is buying a house with his gf. We have given him a large lump sum. We can afford to buy the house outright for them but won’t as we feel that he needs to value his own contribution to their joint property. We will, if they decide to have children, make a sizeable contribution to their running costs to help them out. This is likely to be by paying a couple of their bills each month. This will also help to mitigate inheritance tax. It is our business what we spend our money on and we have not discussed it with anyone other than in a general sense rather than specifically stating that this is what we are doing.

@Pushmepullu just make sure his large lump sum is protected in case they split up.

My mum and dad have always helped me. Brought me a good car, give me £1000 every now and then, took my son on holiday to the USA once a year all through school and gave me a substantial early inheritance.

I appreciate it and it's very helpful.

Yes. We hate to raise this with them as we really like his gf, but we’re hoping they will see the reasoning behind why this should be a legal requirement.

There is so much love in your posts.and your gestures. You son and his family are very lucky they choose you for their parents / in laws / grandparents.

It is no one else’s business. We help out our adult children and my mum who has a large pension passes money on to me and my siblings. The only thing I would say is that we treat our daughters the same even though they have different circumstances but we also help out with grandchildren’s costs. If your son is an only child it makes sense to help him if you can afford it.

As long as you have enough money set aside for yourself in case something happens, then of course! It’s none of her business.
My dad fully supported me until I was 25, which a lot of people criticised. He paid a crazy amount for my Master’s at a business school in London, as well as my accommodation and everyday expenses. I’m incredibly grateful that because of his support, I was able to start my career at 26 with no debt.
I’m now in my late 30s, have a high-paying job, and plan to do exactly the same for my own kids. To me, that’s what family is for! Being there to support each other when you can.

I think you sound lovely and supportive and it’s nobody else’s business what you do with your money.
guessing what is yours would all be your sons at some point anyway so why not have it at a time he needs it?

I help my grown DC. I think it’s a normal thing to want to do.
if they were spaffing it away on drugs or other such nonsense, I would not do so

Apologies if I have missed it in the thread but please keep records of money given. HMRC is increasingly using technology to
trsck money in many ways and if no records, it will be a nightmare for the executors.

How utterly appalling that your husband blabbed about your son's personal finances. Humiliating for him and his wife. Now, regardless of what he does for his family everyone will assume daddy and mummy paid for it. Just awful.

His aunt should never, ever, ever have known any of this and will have blabbed to absolutely everyone.

I guess your husband couldn't bear for people not to know what a big, generous man he is.

Your son is now the subject of gossip and derision, many people will look down on him for accepting such generous handouts and not being able to look after his family, and some will be jealous and say spiteful things.

Nobody should ever have known about any of this, unless he chose to tell them himself.

Anyway, as to the money, it's good you helped him buy a house since the housing market is now completely dire and unreachable for so many - but it definitely doesn't come without strings does it? I wonder how many times he has had to thank you and his dad and how much input and say you both have on his choices now. He'll never be able to move out of your reach will he?

And as for the rest - well, it certainly disincentives him to ever get a better paid job. He can just paddle around in the shallow end of the pool forever.

Unless you think he's only capable of a low paid job and has no ambitions, in which case, carry on.

OP, your posts are lovely and full of warmth and it is very obvious that there is no expectation from your son, just that you love not only him and the little family he has gone on to build. Please ignore any negative comments it is just projection. In most cultures and historically extended families help each other as needed, not necessarily financially.

I have just dropped my amazing daughter off at a festival and I hope she has the best time. She lost her dad at 8, and ignoring the emotional stuff, austerity was in full flow so no widows pension anymore and my professional job (public sector-not mega bucks) meant whilst my household income halved, there was absolutely no support to pay for the extra childcare needed. We survived, and I realise that I am a long way getting to the point I am making. Our young people have it really hard and older generations need to recognise that.

There are few jobs, the cost of renting is crazy (DH pays £1000 a month for student accommodation, does not get a full loan based on my single income as a bloody social worker and works really hard in a retail job). Older generations need to accept the reality of the world our young people have inherited from us- we need to fund our NHS, Social care and pensions.