AIBU to help our grown son financially and ignore criticism?

[Isthatallnowjoe]

Afternoon,
So my DH and I are in our mid 50s, our son is 27 and has 2 children who are 2 and 4, he is married, works etc.
My husband and I both work full time and have no wish to retire anytime soon, we are happy in our jobs they give us purpose, social life etc.

6 years ago my mother died, I am an only child. She was long clear of mortgage, debt etc. So between her house which was in a nice little village and her small life insurance plan we got a fair bit of inheritance. We passed most of this onto to our son who was due to get married to his childhood sweetheart. He and his now wife bought a fixer upper fairly cheap as her family knew those selling it, it had been their mothers and they mostly wanted rid of it as it wasn’t in a great state, needed a lot of work.
They spent months redoing everything, heating, electrics (my husband is an electrician so did much of this), insulation, re-rendering the property etc. It more or less dried up everything they had but we expected this to be the case it wasn’t a crazy amount where they would have been able to save much anyway.

Then my husbands parents died with 8 months of each other, we got a much more modest amount, kept some back for us and passed on 15k to our son, who used to to kit the garden out on his house.

In addition to this we pay for his car each month, he never asked us to, it’s not stupidly expensive and we see it as being for our grandchildren as they live in a village and my son needs to drive to work so a second car in the house lets our grandchildren be taken to hobbies or days out while my son works, they pay for his wife’s car themselves.
We also take them on holiday once a year and bought our granddaughters shoes for starting school.

My husband told his sister we did all this and she is outraged she thinks it’s ridiculous, stupid and spoiling him. That he will never know the value of money etc.

I disagree, they have to pay all their bills, all their kids clothes etc and they do so, they are debt free and I think it affords them a lovely quality of life.

AIBU to think it is 1. Not anyone else’s business and 2. We aren’t actually doing anything awful anyway?

We inherited from our parents, with our siblings, but not until we were nearly 70 so we passed on the inheritances, and added a bit more to get our one-and-only into the property market. We're also spending some of the money we have earned and saved before HMRC come for 40%.

Absolutely none of her business whatsoever! Do what you like! Better than giving it to the tax man in inheritance tax, that’s for sure.

We are the same OP, help our DDs a lot … they’re both lovely hard working ladies who appreciate the help.

I couldn’t sit on a load of money and see my kids struggle or rent.

If you're happy to do it and your son is happy, it's got nothing to do with anyone else.
Most people would like to help their children.

How lovely you can financially help your son and his family.

My mum has also helped me financially at times. I've never asked but have accepted gratefully and it's made a real difference to our day to day lives.

It's nothing to do with your husband's sister. She has no right to say what she has.

Passing wealth down to the next generation is a very normal thing to do and often part of inheritance tax planning.

Well, you are lovely! Lucky son!
But now you know not to tell anyone your business - people get jealous dont they xx

So I think putting money his way every month for a car etc is stupid. You’d be better off understanding how best to invest your money to support him and his family long term; paying for a car isn’t it.

My PILS still support SIL who is in her mid 50’s. She has worked part time for 20 years. They’re in their 80’s. They still pay for her car and give her cash every month, also paid off her mortgage on a house which is now worth about £800k. Some people just do this for their kids.

You sound lovely. Normally if I write that on here it’s dripping with sarcasm (!) but you genuinely do sound like a lovely family living happy lives. It’s none of your sister in law’s business. It’s natural for good parents to want to take care of their kids. Just because your son is married he doesn’t stop being your son and it’s wonderful that you are able to help give your grandchildren a good life.
Don’t change, you’re great.

I have been really lucky to have an early inheritance from my mum which has put us in a position of being one mortgage payment away being done. When/if we get inheritance from husbands parents we will use to help kids. We will have good pensions and will have been mortgage free for a few years so will want to help where it is needed more.

As long as it’s not lowering your living standard and you’re happy doing it - then carry on.

Of course it's your business if you want to fund your AC throughout their lives. Was he not aware that doing this attracts controversy - why did he share thsi info with his sister, imo unless you have a good reason, don't discuss family business if you can't handle a discussion on it.

I think your husband should have kept that information private.
I certainly would never tell anyone what we do for our kids financially.

My mum always said the same.
One set of grandparents was very much in a position to help but didn’t.

Both my mum and her sibling received a substantial amount of money when they passed away.

By which point, they really didn’t need it.

My mum has always given us a lot of help and I will gladly do the same for my DC.
They know that they will inherit a decent house although I don’t think I’ll have any savings.

They’ll get as much help as I can give them.

Nobody else's business, as long as you are happy to do this then it's up to you. We send our Dd £400 every month towards her rent, and help her financially elsewhere if she needs it. We have told her it's all part of her inherirance anyway, and what she gets now won't be there when we're gone

I think you are very kind wonderful parents.
You can afford to give your sons family a helping hand and I'm sure these gifts help them out massively.

My mum gives me £150 a month to help with bills and it is a massive help to me. She does it because she can. No doubt her friends (and mine) might think it's odd but it's not their business.

I hope your son and his wife show their gratitude. I'm.sure they do.

X

None of her business but the car thing is a bit unusual

Lesson learnt not to tell other people anything about your financial arrangements!

You've given your son an early inheritance, which is a lovely thing to do. He's not sitting around letting you support him, he's working hard and this money has made his life easier. As long as he understands that you're not an unending source of financial support, no problem.

good for you. tell the sister in law to shove it up her bum.

if you can't even help your own kids without other people sticking their big nose in, you wonder what the worlds coming to.

How generous of you to support your son like this @Isthatallnowjoe
How do you feel that if they split up, your daughter in law would be entitled to half?

YANBU. I would love to help my kids out this much

you would be absolutely fine about it like a normal person.

some people on here shitting themselves to doom over every single ha'penny.

mother of the grandkids, don't give her a farthing! mindbogglingly

We are okay with this, she is the mother to our grandchildren, we have known her since she was 11 years old and she’s been in and out of our house since she was 14.
Obviously we much hope they never split up and if they do it’s very amicable but overall we gifted it to our son and his family not just him, and while we may feel differently if the time comes as animosity and bitterness can do that, we know we made the choice in good faith.

I would do excatly the same if I was able to

You don’t need to struggle for money to understand the value or appreciating you are in a good position but still need to be sensible

I don’t want da to struggle with money it’s absolutely miserable what is the lesson in that

We are 55, just retiring and will be starting to spend and drip feed our monies away to young adult DC very soon. Watching PIL’s very many hundreds of thousands go on care home fees and IHT, after giving their four GC £25 for 21st birthdays etc, I would rather my DC made use of it and I’ll take my chances in older age.