AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

What a useless bastard. A terrible husband and terrible father. Can you afford to get rid?

There’s more to this. Nice drip feed that you were nearly separated.

Horrible man. Who leaves their young kids over Christmas to go running after his daddy. There’s no coming back.

The problem is that when you are chronically ill, and already it is possible you may already feel terribly guilty that you are a burden and a pain - which you most certainly are not, and it really taps into feeling like you are a strain everyone else has to manage. But anyone can become ill or disabled at any time, it can happen to any of us. Your loved ones should want to be there for you, and to fully support you. Especially given you have children, that are still young, your dh is really out of line to even ask this of you.

OP said that in-laws booked their holiday and her husband has added himself on. Note she says himself . He sees his life as just himself to consider.

In-laws have complete autonomy to holiday when they please. Very unfair for posters to blame in-laws for the Christmas booking. However they can be blamed for encouraging their son to go. He wasn't included in the original booking so that's to the in-laws credit.

Goodness knows what the husband has told his parents to justify going. It's a tale that they clearly believe.

OP has a family an hour away IMO that's not far at all for them to support her through a divorce.

I would be absolutely gutted to miss out on a trip to the Caribbean but I wouldn’t be able to afford to go - so I’d just have to suck it up and move on.

He can’t afford the trip.

When was the last time he took the DCs on holiday?

I could not spend £1.5k on a holiday without my kids.
I’d use that money to book a family holiday instead.

You'd be better starting a thread in the divorce section and planning your future.

Things like will the house need to be sold, will the loser be parenting his kids 50/50, where will you live?

Not only would my dh not go, my PIL would never arrange a holiday like that at Christmas knowing I’m too ill to cope.

Last year I was very unwell in the summer - literally housebound and couldn’t walk for three months - and my dh cancelled our summer holiday with PiL in Cornwall even though I said he could take the kids and go without me. He said “No Way - I won’t leave you here suffering and I would be worried about you the entire time.” His parents were totally lovely about it too.

im so sorry op

Ultimatum time, but that fact he wants to go, knowing how bad things are for you, is surely enough to understand this relationship has run its course. Let alone selfishly wanting to spend $1.5k so he could holiday, when you simply can't afford it.

You need to start making plans. If you there's finances enough for you to move closer to your own family once you separate/divorce from him? And if he does go, reach out to your own family for December - either for them to visit or you go there.

Would you go if the situation was reversed OP? I suspect the answer would be no? I also would not go. You ABU for telling him he should go, but frankly he should know he should not go at Xmas and given ur health. Just hold in your mind is this a relationship of mutual support or is it actually one way?

OP it appears that neither DH nor any of his family have any respect for you or empathy for your debilitating illness.

I mean FGS whatever about celebrating a milestone birthday abroad, but to go at Christmas, leaving you and kids alone at that time is the height of disrespect and selfishness. You must feel so unloved and abandoned at every turn.

Separate now or as soon as you are able, and preferably before this so called holiday. I know it's very hard, and it might feel easier to just put up with all the shit, but for the sake of your health, wellbeing, self respect and your children, the time is now. I see you have considered separating before, and it can take a few tries to actually leave and get things sorted.

Find an ally somewhere and talk it through with them, get fired up and say "Nope, I'm not putting up with this shit anymore" and you might find that you feel empowered and better in yourself and can cope better with the illness.

Best of luck, and get going on the separation. Today.

How did your seriously unwell husband cope with the children you left with him? Perhaps he could give the OP some pointers and advice. This would be so helpful for her.

Are you mad? Leaving the OP on her own, when she is obviously very unwell, with three kids at Christmas is the height of selfishness. And then there's the money aspect too. Partners and children should always come first under these circumstances.

He should have taken the kids so you could have used the 7 days to rest without the hassels of family life

Of course your husband should simply say, "look Dad we'd love to but Mrshermitt isn't able to come and we're not going without her and besides we can't really afford it". It sounds like he is set on it though - maybe suggest he gets a second job to fund it?

£6000 is a steep price to pay for a week off parenting for OP.

I'm so sorry you are so unwell with endo -my sister suffered awfully with it before menopause.

I think my family is probably unusual in as much as we keep very loose reins on each other, are quite light touch about holidays such as Christmas and thus probably wouldn't think twice about one of us taking time out to travel in your DP's case. In 2½ decades, DP and I have often holidayed separately abroad and in the UK, with and without the DC. To us, this is what love and care also looks like -giving each other the space to have time to ourselves, apart.

We also recognise the value and importance of each other's 'first families' and give time and energy to maintaining relationships with siblings and parents.

Our DC don't think it's odd if one of us is away, and they wouldn't think it was especially odd even if it was Christmas.

If one of us was unwell (this has happened), capacity to access pain-management and support would be front and centre of decision making about the trip though, eg could you manage if all shopping was brought in, meals prepared for the week, someone came to check on you daily to help with chores and tasks, mobility needs covered, pets' needs managed through cattery / dog-walker etc.

I hope you are able to get help for the pain, I know it's terrible and overwhelming.

You don't know what to do about this holiday? Your wife n kids need you. Your dad and brother want you to go on a lovely trip. Ask yourself what a decent man would do, then decide who you want to be.

When I was a teen one of my aunts/uncles got married somewhere abroad and fancy. My parents couldn't afford for all of us to go so none of us went, they wished them a happy wedding and we went to their BBQ at their house after they returned.

I've had mates with hen dos I couldn't afford to go on abroad so I've just done the home hen bit with a local night out.

It's OK to say no.

But all that aside, you are unwell and we all know that Christmas gets busy and overwhelming with kids - concerts, parties, trying to please everyone, decorate, stay jolly even if you're finding it challenging. I think that's where it feels really unfair in your particular circumstances.

My DH would never because his Dad was absent from his life and his mum hates travelling. My Dad wanted all the family on a trip abroad for his big birthday a year ago and the price would've made it impossible for me and one of my siblings to take our whole families. My Dad paid for the travel and accommodation to ensure that we could all be there. We paid for meals out, arranged surprises and treats on the holiday but he financed us all being able to be there.

He won’t look after his unwell wife over Xmas?
He is happy to be away from his young kids at this time?
He has selfish parents who don’t think about their kids’ finances or family health when planning a big event?

OP I am sorry. He sounds awful x

No the big 60 🙄

I get what he is doing isn't right, having said that you're also in the marriage because of the help and support he gives you so how are you planning to live alone if you leave?

You might as well manage your expectations, you're only with him for the support he give you with your condition. It sounds like a transactional relationship so accept it for what it is.

My DH wouldn’t even consider going

OP fight if you have the energy, for better care for your endometriosis (not because of this trip). Women deserve better and there are traitements out there, even a hysterectomy if needed. You shouldn’t have to suffer so much.

Yes! It sounds like heaven to me.