AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

Ahh, just seen your update about the marriage basically being dead anyways.

In that case, I wonder if it is better to start looking at building your own support network without him (i.e. move closer to family, if possible). I am sorry, that sounds like you are in a tough situation with no easy solutions.

Very much depends on the individual.
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I have never been a fan of Christmas.
I would be happy for my partner to go with kids

hmmm i think id let this one slide

i dont care about christmas partiularly - and don't see why you couldnt just do "christmas day" a different day tbh

what difference does it make really

it's a once off and his dads birthday so i think fair enough he goes - too expensive for everyone to go

I went abroad for sisters wedding alone and left husband with kids for a week cus it made more sense

But that's not the case here. The kids are not going on the holiday, they are being left with their mother who is unwell and who, depending on how she feels at the time, may be unable to do any Christmas preparation. She's got the worst of all worlds.

No way should he leave kids with you. They can go and give you a break (of sorts).

Neither DH or the IL's would be so crass if they knew I couldn't come and were aware of the financial situation.

Your DP needs to do the right thing by you.

I’m struggling to think of anything that means she could look after three kids alone for a week, but be too ill to go on a holiday.

I don't blame you, I'm so sorry. What is his reasoning for wanting to live his wife and three kids to go away for Christmas?

I think that fact that he is considering this tells you everything-

the old "when someone shows you who they are believe them"

I def don't think @Mrshermitt should be left behind if he takes the dc either.

Did I miss how old the DC are?

And why did IL's book over christmas? is it skiing??

Yes they know I haven’t seen them for 4 months because I don’t leave the house much due to the pain I’m in and to be honest I’ve struggled with accepting my condition and I’ve kind of isolated myself. Whenever MIL calls to check up on us she always asks about how I’m getting on so yes fully aware.

DH wouldn’t go away and leave me alone and unwell at Christmas. Or spend that much on a holiday without me.

And thankfully, his parents would never even consider asking him to.

No FIL birthday in december they are going to the Caribbean. Kids are 4, 7 & 9.

He wouldn't be going alone. The children can go with him. See how quickly he wants to go away then.

So absolutely prime christmas joy ages for DC.

are you able to be left for a week with all of the dc on your own?

Seems spectacularly shitty to even entertain it tbh

Me too. Given the OP knows in August they won't be able to travel in December then this must be quite a significant/long term problem - so the idea they could be left to look after 3 kids seems absolutely insane!

I guess the slight flip side to this (ignoring the kids for a minute) is that if this is a life-long condition then in theory it means the husband could never do this sort of holiday again. Which is obviously sad for him and his family if he can't celebrate any milestones etc with them. Obviously they don't need to book some expensive, lengthy trip etc, and it's just unfortunate for him and he needs to accept sometimes you can't have everything you want and his wife/kids absolutely should come first. But I can see how it would be difficult

My IL’s would be horrified if my DH was even consorting this!!

He has been grinding you down to force you to agree.
You absolutely should say no way, no chance. If you go, don't come back.
Missing Christmas with his own dc when you are ill is not acceptable.

I don't think your FIL (and/or whoever) should have planned this. Unless you've not been honest with them about your illness and financial situation, or you're not very close? You need to clearly explain your situation so they realise, and if you have, ask what they're playing at. Don't they believe you?
Why can't they all just travel to you, and help out with stuff if you're not up to doing it?

You think a 4, 7 & 9 year old will be content to push Christmas back because Daddy is in the Caribbean????

DH already told them it was out of our budget at the minute and that I wouldn’t be able to travel.

When you marry/form a partnership part of that commitment is that you put them first - isn't that what forsaking all others means?

I agree with @Ifeelold48 - now you have said just go, you have essentially given him your blessing and therefore need to allow him to go with good grace and no bad feeling unfortunately.

I agree with the majority of posters though - there is no way in hell DH would consider going under your circumstances.

BUT…...If in some parallel universe he DID want to go, I would give him all the reasons why he shouldn’t and express that I would be deeply unhappy and rethinking his commitment to me/family if he did indeed decide to go.

I would not have said ‘just go’ as you have - mixed messages. He will deliberately read it as you have said YES and so will not tolerate you giving him a hard time about going.

I’m so sorry you are in this position, sounds tough. If I were you, I would try to have a calm conversation very quickly now to say that you really don’t think he should be going and do not give your blessing.

I'm sorry for your illness. It sounds like this holiday is just the last straw and there's a back story leading up to it?

Was your husband ill at the time? Was it Christmas? Did your husband need you at home?

If you answer 'Yes' to any or all, you are as big an arshole as the OP's husband.

He wouldn’t leave me alone with the kids on Christmas even if I was peak physical fitness. Not spending Christmas with his children would really upset him tbh. Two years ago he had to sort something at his office (massive leak on Christmas Day) and he didn’t even like that.

I can’t imagine a situation other than life or death where he’d leave me, unwell, with three children on Christmas Day. Let alone for the run up as well. He’s proper taking the piss of you and your kids.