AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

I have endometriosis and I think it’s just one of those conditions that no one understands anyway until it’s them. But I’ve never experienced pain like this in my life only when I’ve had kids and been in labour. He sees me struggle everyday and his brother and his dad are calling him asking him what he’s doing about the holiday and I’m just sitting here like what the hell is going on. It’s made me not want any of them in my life anymore that’s how I know I need to walk away.

"It’s made me not want any of them in my life anymore that’s how I know I need to walk away."

I cannot blame you for saying that OP. I was about to write that if I was the FIL in this situation and that my son was going to leave his wife and children behind that I would be having a serious word with him about his priorities (at any time let alone Christmas). That the FIL and DH's sibling are pressuring DH for a decision tells me they are worthless pieces of crap too.

Sorry OP it's shit. My daughter has endo too.

He seems to be fully aware you won’t be able to properly care for the children alone due to your illness.
He seems to have been wearing you down into saying he should go and you have done.
He’s a disgrace. As are your in laws for even suggesting it knowing you can’t travel. What a horrible bunch.

He's a shit husband and dad to want to do this. He has young children, but he'd rather spend Christmas day away from them - when their mum is really unwell.

DH wouldn't go - he'd want Xmas with me and the kids. But I would encourage him to go with the kids if we could possibly afford it. I personally don't mind Xmas on my own (it's certainly more peaceful!) But you aren't going crazy - it's a lot of money if you don't have it.

I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it.

I think you've muddied the waters a bit here. You should have just been honest and had a proper conversation about how he thinks you would feel about it all.

He can say that he doesn't understand why it's a problem for you and then you can tell him, or he can say he does understand but he doesn't care and then you can decide what you want to do about that.

The way it's gone now is that he's happy he's going and you're fuming about it. That's not a great outcome for you.

I’ve got a selfish husband.
No way would he have missed a Christmas with DD.
One year I was released from hospital on 23rd December-still very ill.
DH cooked - pizza, hummus, gammon, salad, garlic bread etc. .DD says it was her favourite ever Christmas!
@Mrshermitt This is much more than just a holiday and you know it.
Look at getting moved closer to your parents. Ypu will be better near them and leaving your very selfish husband and his horribly selfish family behind.

He’s been going on about it repeatedly because he wanted to wear you down so he could go.

Are you able to travel to your family for the Christmas period?

If you were to separate, could you claim any allowances which would enable you to have carers?

I would not be spending so much on a holiday when a few weeks earlier or later I could stay twice as long for less money.

And someone going on about the same thing is tedious whatever it is.

I have a chronic pain condition so you have my sympathy OP.

My DH would absolutely not do this.

I do think though that it's not unreasonable for your FIL to plan it and go at Christmas time, as your FIL's birthday is in December. I don't know if it's a big birthday, but I have a December birthday and have been away to celebrate, including being away for Christmas, my DH and DC enjoyed being away for Christmas somewhere sunny, it was a present for them too.

Your FIL would BU to expect you all to go, but that doesn't really seem the case as they booked regardless.

As your pain has been months, your FIL's probably think it's likely to get better or ease off by Christmas time, and I don't think that's unreasonable of them.

I’m so sorry, he is treating you incredibly badly. He knows it is wrong, that is why he wants you to say he can go.

Truly, don’t do it. Say that on this occasion, he absolutely has to put you and the children ahead of his brother/parents. Say it clearly so that he can absolutely not put it back on you with a feeble ‘but you didn’t SAY you didn’t want me to go’ bullshit.

If you are feeling kind, you could acknowledge his sadness and disappointment at missing out on a holiday. But counter that with how lovely it will be for you to be together at Christmas, AS A FAMILY. The children are at the age where Christmas is just about the most exciting thing there is, and when you are a parent he should be revelling in their joy and excitement.

Your in laws have behaved appalling as well. What on earth were they thinking?? Why not go after or before Christmas week if they absolutely had to? And still I don’t think your husband should go.

Best of luck, keep the courage!

You need to contact the local council and report yourself as a vulnerable adult. Tell them your dh is moving out soon...
I am a cleaner but very much help manage all areas at home. Some of my customers need extra support..
Some of them have my hours paid for by ss or local authority..

A couple of things, firstly you need to address the pain issue. I use a TENs machine which is a incredibly helpful. Mine is 2 channel Medifit one from Amazon. That means 4 pads so 2 at the front where your pain is and back at the base of the spine. This also helps with leg pain if you are experiencing that.

Also your GP can prescribe you pain meds. You have a chronic medical condition and although some pain meds are under the controlled substance category clearly you need something to help you function.

I had to give up my job because of endometriosis and there is no way Dh would have left me to go on a jolly leaving me, in pain, in charge of the children. It is incredibly selfish of your husband to do this.

He's angling for you to give him permission because he knows it's totally unreasonable to miss Christmas day with his children and wife. He will harp on till.you do as you've done and say go then and then he'll act like it's all OK, or if you chang your mind he'll b angry.

He knows it's not right to go. Finances don't allow it and nor for your health, its not like its a holiday just after Christmas, he's missing Christmas day. So no it's not reasonable tbh, and you shouldn't make it easy for him tbh, I'd just say "once and for all, w can't afford us all to go and I can't go and don't want to be apart as a family on Christmas day, so I'm saying g now I would rather you didn't go. I'm not going to otherwise. And being resentful isn't going to change things and is very unfair"

My DH absolutely would not go. You are not unreasonable OP! I am cross on your behalf

'I felt coerced and forced into agreeing for you to go away for Christmas, you have been grinding me down day after day .The truth is I can not even imagine how I will cope with the children on my own for a week or how they will feel on Christmas morning without you. I am shocked you have even asked me, you know what our financial position is - and yet you have still put me in this position. If you decide to go ahead with this, then I will be reconsidering our marriage and future. More than ever I need someone that has my and dc backs'

He is looking for your permission to go, so he doesn't look or feel bad. Do not give it to him op. Tell him and everyone else the truth.

It is disgusting.

This!

And send this to your in laws as well, and anyone else that is involved.
I have no doubt they have said to dh he needs a break, he looks tired, he is a carer etc. Which might be acceptable if you didn't have young children and it wasn't Christmas!

The marriage is dead - get your ducks in a row and leave before christmas. What a fucking loser he is.

i mean it's just a made up day - can receive presnets any time!
what real difference does it make

I would hope not.

I think you are being contrary for the sake of it. Of course primary school aged children care when Christmas Day is.

@Mrshermitt You are damned if you agree and you are damned if you don't, and keep him away from this bloody holiday by asking him explicitly and unreservedly not to go. He's putting the decision making on you - rather than just taking it and owning his own decision and how it looks from the outside - because he's a weak and selfish piece of shit who is putting himself in front of his poorly wife and family, but no doubt paints himself as the devoted husband and father. I hope things get better for you in the future.

Selfish selfish selfish man.

unless

it is his father's 100th birthday ?