AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

THis

Or hand him the link to this thread

No my husband wouldn’t do this to me and I also wouldn’t do it to him. I don’t blame you for feeling like you’re done up, extremely selfish and hurtful.

I think it's unfair in a way that everyone is saying how selfish it is, it's his dads big birthday, it's his son, he wants to be with his dad and the dad clearly would like HIS child there.

Potentially ask your husband if he will go for less time, 4 days celebrate the birthday and come back on Christmas eve?

Why an eye roll? Husband gets to go albeit with the children, the children get an alternative Christmas and the OP gets a break and minimal Christmas stress.

They'll all be back on Boxing Day and can have still have some Christmas time as a family.

If he is your full time carer you could be entitled to assistance from at home carers whilst he takes his break, it's not unheard of and completely normal, or ask a family member to come stay with you for a couple of days

Over Christmas? When they have young children? I don't think that would be normal.

I apologie because my previous comment did say maybe he could go for less time, come back christmas eve - so the carers / family member would be staying before christmas, not during. I just wrote them b2b when I should have done an edit.

I also don't think it's that unheard of if she really requires his daily assistance then things should be put in place anyway because life happens and it's hard work being there 24/7 for someone else. Admittedly I do not know her condition

60 isn't a big birthday! 🙄This obsession with every birthday with a 0 in it is incomprehensible to me. It's just an age and certainly not a reason for a husband to leave his very unwell wife and 3 young children over Christmas to help his still-young father celebrate his birthday.

Sorry? he's going on holiday, at his parents encouragement, over Christmas, and leaving his three kids at home, under the care of their very ill mother.

He's just choosing to completely miss Christmas with his children? What the fuck are his parents doing even suggesting or encouraging that. And what an absolute scumbag of a father.

That would be the absolute end for me.

Can't believe his family would organise this at Christmas time. So asking their son to leave his sick wife and their grandkids alone at Christmas. Selfish twats . No way would most families do this . WTF is wrong with them .

60 is not old, but you don't know the level of health. I know I lost every single grandparent I had plus a spare one between the ages of 40-69. I'm 35 and they are all gone. My parents are in their mid-late 50s and not in great health themselves tbh. If they wanted a big family trip somewhere I'd try my hardest to be there too, of course I would.

Doesn't matter that I have children of my own, they are my parents and I am their child. If I couldn't for reasons of sickness then ofc I'd be gutted, but I wouldn't stop others around me going.

I'm huge on birthdays in all honesty. Everyone gets one day a year, and the big birthdays do matter, and actually as you get older, the decade birthdays absolutely do count!

I personally wouldn't want to be away from my DC at Christmas. I also wouldn't mind if DH wanted to go away with his parents instead of spend it at home with us.

Unfair?? He is sixty not six!

Who leaves their sick wife and three young children at Christmas just for an adult birthday trip they can do at any time? What kind of grandparents are they to encourage this in the first place, it is disgraceful.

I hope op can find the strength to assert her own needs, and advocate for her children whom are likely to feel confused and abandoned on Christmas Day. I hope she can hold her own line in the sand here, and that she has some real life support.

My XH would have gone - one of the many reasons he is now an X.

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree in terms of selfishness. Who arranges a birthday that requires attendees to spend thousands of pounds ? Totally self indulgent. Is it even a big birthday? My aunt turned 100 and she just threw an evening party all paid for by her and told people not to bring presents .

Absolutely no way would my DH do something like this.

You would leave your sick dh in charge of your 3 children knowing he could not manage at Christmas just to pander to your parents?

OP - They’ve already booked it! DH is adding himself on. But I am done this is the end for me.

Will people please realise that the in-laws did not invite the husband.

Personally I would go to him now and say you have been thinking

you are amazed that he thinks it’s acceptable he should even consider going g bearing in mind you can’t afford for even him to go on his own and that he would leave his children over Christmas and leave you to manage everything bearing in mind your illness

so he has a choice he tells them he is not going as he wants to be with his family over Christmas and he can’t afford to come (and no sulking when they all go) or he goes and in the meantime you will
look at separation and he can go and live with his parents whilst a divorce is sorted

he should not have even had to consider going

£1.5k pp sounds really cheap for the Caribbean over Christmas

Can you go to your families for Christmas?
do you ever take your kids away with your illness. I think I’d let my husband and kids go this once. I have endo myself but only stage 1 but my friend has stage 4 and basically never does anything. With her kids due to being jn agony etc and won’t let her partner do bits with the kids either. If this is similar to you then let them go and have fun . One Christmas won’t hurt anyone. Ask your kids what they want.

I was 80 earlier this year and only celebrated it because my children insisted and arranged something in lieu of a present as I really don't need more things at my age. I genuinely can't understand this obsession with birthdays, particularly if celebrating it at other people's expense in far-flung places. OP is unwell, in pain, cannot work and rarely even leaves the house. Her PiL know this, yet they've arrange a birthday celebration an ocean away at Christmas. I know who I think is in the wrong and it isn't the OP.

My husband can't travel due to poor health at the moment but I know if I had a chance to go away he would be encouraging me to go as he knows how hard caring responsibilities are and he hates the thought that I am missing out because of him. On the flip side there isnt a chance I would go without the kids or leave him alone over Christmas. So I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. You for not recognising he might need a holiday and him for not recognising this is a crap time of year to be on your own. Perhaps a little more care of each other would be the answer.

I’d have said go but you have to take the kids.

Why is it pandering? She said he desperately wants to go?

I love that, 80 is a great age. Not everyone is a birthday person and that's ok. Personally I love a birthday, I love celebrating life, I love all the good things about it. It's an extra year they've got to love and celebrate you and after you are gone it's going to be your funeral, and then mourning you every year isn't it. I'd wanna celebrate the milestones too.